Okay, first of all- I love my brother with all of my heart.
But I just feel extremely paranoid around my brother. It’s not like I don’t like him, I love him as my one and only brother.
So, something happened back in January, when I had a huge fight with my brother because of how sick I was all the time, and how I was moaning in pain all the time.
My dog unknowingly stepped on my stomach, and I’m really sensitive to pain. So I started to moan in pain, because the pain was so severe.
However, my brother got so angry at me, stood up, and said to me: “I can’t handle your ■■■■ anymore! How long do I have to hear your moans? Do you not respect me? How can you do this to our family?”
He later angrily walked up to his door, slammed it shut, and didn’t talk to me for 2+ hours.
After that, I was crying because I felt like a burden to everyone. I felt like a huge pain to everyone. I wanted to die because I felt like I was affecting my brother and everyone in a bad way. I wanted to go somewhere really, really far away, hide in the mountains or something.
Later, my father had enough and called everyone in the living room. My father said how I need to “grow up” as a sister to my brother and start acting “normally”. My brother went on yelling at me about how much he had through my sickness, but he is enduring it because he cannot deny that I am his sister. (i.e. I will probably have abandoned you if you were not my blood sister) He also said that I should stop moaning at night because of my pain, and he also commented that I am not trying enough make myself feel better. I spent the whole night apologizing to my family- my mother said I don’t need to apologize, but I’m sure she feels pretty burdened, too.
After that, I cannot trust my brother. I cannot feel comfortable around my brother. I feel that he just doesn’t like me, doesn’t love me as a sister, and he’s just there because I’m his full-blooded sister.
I know he secretly hates me inside, and I know he’s frustrated because I’m sick a lot.
I’m sure he’s pretty ashamed of me.
I’m just constantly feeling paranoid around him, and I feel like a huge burden to me. I feel like he’s going to lash out at me if I said something wrong, or he’s going to say hurtful things to me if I moaned in pain or said “I am not feeling well”. I feel that he is not going to recognize me as a sister when he gets older because I’m disabled. I don’t know, I just feel so so paranoid around him and I’m not comfortable around him at all.
I guess I should be ashamed of myself because I have a physical disability.
So I just plan to hide my illness from my brother, forever. He’s not going to take it well if I told him anyways.
I hate myself.