I feel so confused right now. On Friday I started having panic attacks and the demon showed up and started screaming in my face that I was worthless and should slit my wrists. I took something for the panic attacks and the demon calmed down. He was still standing behind me, but was calm. How can me taking a pill effect a demonic entity?
This week someone has been messing with me. On Tuesday I took my boyfriend to the ER, he really didn’t need to go he’s fine, and they put us in the same room they put me in to be evaluated before I went to the hospital. It wasn’t a room sectioned off by curtains like every other room, but a room with walls and a door. They did that to mess with me and because there were hidden cameras in the machines watching me. When I got home that night the TV was on. I was thinking about something and the next commercial said exactly what I was thinking. The next day cars were following me and ever since then I can’t listen to my music because every song is either something I’m thinking about or conversations I’ve had. Why is someone messing with me? When I got home Wednesday my mom was on the phone. She went in her bedroom to talk, and from what I heard her say she was talking about me. At first I thought she was talking to my therapist or doctor, but I think she was talking to them. Later she claimed she was talking to a patient. Today there was a noise coming from the window, but when I looked out there was nothing that would be making that noise. They’re doing it to mess with me and let me know they’re watching me.
My therapist and doctor said they are really worried about me. My therapist said she’s never seen my psychosis decline this much only four weeks after getting ECT. So I’m getting a treatment this Friday. I feel so confused. Everyone is telling me it’s my illness and I will think clearer once I get a treatment, but it’s so real. There’s a small part of my brain that says this is my illness, but why would things keep happening that confirm they’re messing with me. I’m anxious and scared, but other than that I’m fine. I don’t understand how what I’m telling people would warrant so much concern. Even when it was bad on Friday the demon was only telling me to hurt myself not my mom. Talking to my therapist on Wednesday really shocked me, because she was really concerned. She said if I don’t get clearer by next Wednesday when I see her again she will recommend that I go into Adult Partial Care instead of Intensive Outpatient. I really don’t want to go to Partial. It’s for people who have trouble functioning. I drive my own car and am in school full time, but she said she can’t have someone in her group that is not in touch with reality. Right now people are telling me they’re delusions and hallucinations, but I’m having trouble believing that. I told my boyfriend what has been going on and he either ignores what I say or tries to relate with his own experience that is nothing close to what I’m going through. I appreciate him trying to relate to me but it frustrates me more. I just feel like people don’t understand what I’m going through. I don’t know what I want people to say, but I don’t like when they try to relate with things that aren’t even close to what I’m talking about. Both my PCP and my pdoc are aware of what I’m experiencing. Hopefully they’re right about the ECT. When I talked to the nurse where I go for ECT she said I may need treatments either weekly or biweekly. I was doubting if I should go for a treatment this week. So for her to say that I’m really confused. My therapist said the concern is that I will start to believe my symptoms 100%. I feel so alone. That’s why I’m writing on here because I think you guys will understand what I’m going through. Thanks for reading. 
I know it seems otherwise, but your doctors’ concerns are accurate. The illness throws off your perceptions and makes you believe things that aren’t true. The demon responded to the medication because its a part of the illness as well. Its important to get help while you have your wits about you.
I am so sorry you being eaten up like this.
I know all these things feel like they are stacking one on top of the other and are adding up and I’m sure it feels horrid and confusing and frustrating. I’m glad your still trusting your doc.
As far as the illness… what you are describing does sound like what I used to go through when I thought the world was out to sabotage my progress. It just seemed like every single little detail was tampered with. But my doc stood firm calling it ideas of reference.
You have said that ECT has helped keep you in school and helped keep your mind ready of learning. I’m sure it’s hard to concentrate with all this other confusing going on. I’m glad your fighting and trying to reach out.
The fact that there is an entity telling you to hurt yourself makes me sad. I do hope you manage to keep fighting and not hurt yourself.
Your Mom loves you and I’m glad you still have her to talk to. I know your guy is frustrating you right now, but I’m glad you see that he’s trying the best he can to comfort and let you know he’s still on your side. Many times our loved ones mean well, they just don’t quiet know how to help us.
I really hope you feel better soon. I’ll be worried about you, I wish the best for you.
Hey Sungirl!!!
Havent seen you for awhile. I am sorry you are dealing with this stuff. Im also glad it hasnt gotten too far yet. Im guessing the people you are working with know you pretty well.
Take care of yourself!!
I know you’re going through a tough time with this right now. I hope your ECT works better with more treatments. You are in my prayers.
I am so sorry you are going through this , sungirl. It seems your medication got a glitch. I remember you are on Gordon. Usually Gordon has this kind of glitches. I had this experience in Gordon years ago. Maybe an increase of med is necessary. Or maybe a switch to other meds is in order. Hope your pdoc can solve this problem.
Yeah, your perceptions are off. It’s been happening to me lately too. I’ll get arguments for this but the demons are not real. There were no cameras in the machines. With my own problems I realized that I was wrong. I realized that everybody telling me that my neighbors are not messing with me couldn’t be wrong. I was having delusions. In my own experience I think that every delusion has a grain of truth in it. You guys made sense when you told me I was having delusions. I was wrong about what I thought. But this isn’t about me.
You must be stressed and your symptoms are acting up. I can see clearly that the demon is not real. Nobody has ever proved that demons, or Martians, or Bigfoot, or mind-reading is real. They don’t stand up to scientific examination.Maybe you need to lighten your school load and drop a class or two until you feel stable and then take them at a later date. Just an idea. No one is messing with you. Your brain is misfiring or whatever happens under stress when we have schizophrenia and tricking you.I don’t know what else to say.Your perceptions are off and your delusions are textbook. Other people have the exact same symptoms as you. Can you see this? Just like the flu has textbook symptoms like a sore throat and a fever, so does schizophrenia. If you can see this it is a first step to knowing your delusions aren’t real.They are symptoms of a terrible disease. Symptoms, not reality. Symptoms can be treated. It’s hard to treat irrationality but if you can hang on get help then you will get relief. I wish you good luck.
hunni, no one is messing with u. u sound really ill. please get the help u need asap. ur usually an active and functioning member of this forum but i’m really worried about u. sending much love and hugs. jayne xxx
I was frightened to, the first time I had to go into the hospital. I was a teenager and at the time I was utterly confused, I thought I was being put up for adoption and thought that people were trying to sexually assault me when they weren’t. (One person wasn’t even a real person…I made him up in my delusional state of mind). I used to think when I’d turn on the radio I’d hear a song that would sound just like the situation I was going through…and not just once or twice like, wow that was odd, but more like every time I turned on the radio.
I never trusted being in any of the rooms at the hospital and still from time to time I think places I go to have hidden cameras every where like in mirrors, or up in the lamps. (I know places have small cameras hidden in those black circles on the ceilings but I’m not talking about those…) I used to constantly feel like I was being monitored any time I went out of the house.
Now on my medication I’m seeing things a bit more clearly. I’m still paranoid but I take little steps like closing my eyes and silently county 1, 2, 3… then look around to see if what I was thinking was really going on or if it was all in my head. 99% of the time it’s in my head. To avoid feeling like people are looking at me, I tend to not look up at someone, I tend to look down towards the ground and keep walking unless I’m feeling to anxious and I have to look at them to make sure they see that I see them. But then once that happens I can kind of go about my business and forget about them. It’s only bad when I’m in tight confined places like elevators. I try to push my way to the back corner if no one is there, then that way at least I only have my front and one side to worry about and not all around me.
I know this paranoid delusion still. I never said I was healed, but I’m better managed since my first time in the hospital and I’ve been able to avoid going for in patient treatment. I went to an outpatient program like you mentioned before but the hospital closed it down due to lack of funding. I was offered to go other places but I wasn’t really getting anything out of the activities so I decided against it. I know this is a very confusing time for you, but I can assure it, with treatment it will get better.