This post might sound stupid, but i’m going to write it anyway. I remember reading a topic once talking about feeling like the first 18 years of life someone felt like it all was a naive dream, I believe it was pansdisease (wherever that guy went… kinda miss his topics). But what it talked about was feeling like he was in a naive mind-state and once his first psychosis hit, he felt like he saw the world for the ugly truth it was in an instant. I remember the same had happened to me and that’s when I became schizophrenic, and everything just went dark… and I fell into the depression i’m in. Lately I’ve had a lot of time to myself, which I have been using on drawing. It really has help me see how important art is to me, and how empty I felt without it. Meds also have been a big help, but I think what i’m saying is I found something that’s really important to me and that fills that emptiness that I’ve been carrying around for the past months. This might sound arrogant, but I feel like if I take art seriously, that I can be one of the greatest… I know i’m talented but to be honest with myself I don’t put the time or effort that I really need to be putting in. Now I feel like if I really want to make my art noticable, and memorable, that i’m going to have to put in the effort needed, and constantly be working on my craft and trying to improve it.
It’s a relaxed and perfectly productive way to escape for a few hours…
I’m glad you found something nourishes your internal being and brings you not only contentment and pride and enjoyment… but that feeling of WANT.
It’s important to find something that makes you WANT… want to get better, want to stay motivated, want to keep working on beating this illness.
I think that feeling of want is very motivating when it comes to fighting this. Good luck and I’m rooting for you…
I’ve been waking up after a very long, very deep stint of wax build-up. Negative symptoms took almost two years from me. I was just sinking into no emotions, no want, no feelings, no words, no will. I was becoming a piece of furniture.
I am so grateful that my meds got switched up and something in my head finally started coming back to lucid town. I also feel like I’m waking up.
I have a sense of WANT… and because of that want… I stay on my meds, keep going to therapy, keep talking to my doc, and keep striving to get better.
That’s true, when i’m drawing(zoned) that’s the only time when nothing matters, and voices, paranoia, anxiety, it all goes away.
That sinking into no emotions, no want, no feelings, no words, no will. One of the best lines i’ve ever read… you should copyright that quote. I know that feeling and that “emptiness”, the worst pain in the world.