I feel like I am paying my sins now šŸ˜„

OK, 20 years of madness for meā€¦
For realā€¦
Itā€™s been too long, not as for many of youā€¦
I was rottening at my home calmly beforeā€¦ wanting to live, but I didnā€™t know how. So I lived madly. I ended up by pissing everyoneā€¦ :pensive:
The meds came later, not a big help. I guess I fight since my diagnosis, but I am pouring in negativity and pain still. I even canā€™t socialize ā€œhumanlyā€, am a freakā€¦
One friend told me, that I sound like a dying personā€¦
And itā€™s true. Can you love a person, who was isolated by herself for 20 years and couldnā€™t even have a bit of fun outside, freer from pain for once???
I was a psychopath I think, for realā€¦ OK, I had a terrible family story with lots of violence and terror, but my sister managed to be happy and healthyā€¦
I also knew some sinsā€¦ maybe my suffering now is because of them, I know that I had some sinsā€¦
Idk if Iā€™ll die soon :sweat: to never have felt a healthy love? This is hardā€¦
I just donā€™t know another person, who was a prisoner by himself for 20 yearsā€¦ idk how Iā€™ll pardon this to myself nowā€¦ plus I suffer about my past actions now , it wasnā€™t nice :sweat:ā€¦
Even one person commented here once, that I seem to have roughly the devil in my butt nowā€¦
I try to pinky winky my illness, but I was toughā€¦

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What about signing up for one of those virtual worlds like Second Life?

I know a lot of people with disabilities like it because they can socialize and have experiences they wouldnā€™t otherwise have. You can even get married and have families in world.

Plus you can have virtual sex.

Right now, I just realize how long Iā€™ve been sick, getting on the nerves of everyoneā€¦ I wasnā€™t loveable probably and I suffered from thatā€¦well, in the same time, everyone gave up fastly on me, but I wasnā€™t able even to talk lolā€¦
OK, Iā€™ll see what I do here with my past yearsā€¦
But itā€™s been too long, gameraā€¦ I have troubles swallowing 20 years of sickness and madness :cry:
Plus my online bf sees me as dying now, thatā€™s how my sz sounds, not a funny manic thing, but always the pain sheeshā€¦
Iā€™ll check that second life OK. My negatives are strong though, I get tired from too much info often :smirk:
Yeah, I need to pardon myself but itā€™s been a lotā€¦

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Itā€™s hard to talk about sins, right?
Did you go through a phase of guilt when recovering? Maybe itā€™s my time nowā€¦ but I wish, that this eases too soonā€¦
My father was a commie in fact. He worked in a high post in that party in factā€¦ I think, that God wasnā€™t allowed at our homeā€¦
I was desperate too since a kid, with no faith, no hope, no love, no dreamsā€¦

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How about going out to a cafee and see some people? Nature walk?

Yes, I asked for forgiveness and all my sins where taken away. And repeated no more.
I was having the guilt of so many things.

Virtual worlds are no good. Schizophrenics, more than other people, need to cling to the real one.

Escapism doesnā€™t help.

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Thatā€™s a good point @vangoghs. I hadnā€™t thought of that. It might not be for everyone.

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I just think you are trying to ā€œthink yourselfā€ out of schizophrenia. Like if you think hard enough, you will solve all your problems. Which I would say we all do to a certain degree. But in order to do that you need to bounce your ideas off people. You do an admirable job of that here. But you need the interaction of bouncing ideas off people irl. You need that contact.

I always say, if youā€™re going to get better you need action. Taking real steps towards recovery and having a better life.

I think you do more than you let on, but sitting alone ruminating day after day is is bad for you. You donā€™t have to pay for every mistake or bad thing youā€™ve done in your life. Everybody does bad things. If they were not too bad you just have to accept you were rotten to another person or whatever you did thatā€™s making you feel guilty or something.

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Sometimes, I think having schizophrenia is like being stuck in a very difficult mind maze; theoretically, there is an exit, but, sometimes, it is hard to believe that you will ever find the way out.

It would be one thing, if it were just my mental junk that I have to deal with, but some of it seems like it belongs to other people. How can you deal with other peopleā€™s mental waste?

Well without trying to get religious apparently someone already paid for em. So you all good :+1:

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Why are you asking me?

Sorry about that.

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