I usually don’t let myself dwell on these sorts of feelings, but I feel like a failure, honestly. Haven’t been active on here because I moved. The house is big, we still haven’t unpacked, and I haven’t learned the house yet. My spelling and reading is getting worse, making me feel like an idiot, but I can’t help it. My mom will make fun of my speech problem which I laugh along with because we always joke at each other, but it hurts because that’s a thing people will tease me about. I can’t help it.
She keeps asking me to find things and I can’t, and then she sighs and talks to me like I’m an idiot. I feel like such a failure, I’m so clumsy and I’m no longer very aware of what’s around me, which is weird because I’m incredibly observant. I still am, but my concentration seems broken, like I’m not aware of my body. My balance is getting worse slowly. I’m getting more and more depressed since my new school has started, It’s confusing and I don’t get much help. I have no friends (I don’t really expect to get any, since I’m annoying and unusual), and I’m trans. My parents told the school I am born male, so they have no idea i’m trans (ftm). It’s so hard, it’s like being born into the world, and one slip the entire school will hate you and you will be bullied to the brink of suicide/running away again. Makes me think about last year when I was harassed by teachers, on the street, in the bathroom, everywhere. It was awful, and I’m scared putting this here because being trans is something I want to shove deep down.
Why am I such a failure? I’m smart, but my thoughts are jumbled and slow, I can’t think right or act right, I feel like I’m reverting back to when I was a child (I will have phases like this, going in and out of disconnecting from reality, thinking I’m 12, and then becoming hostile). Someone help, because I can’t get any.
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I’m sorry you’re feeling this way @SupercoolTM. You’re not a failure, not at all, so you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. Also, moving and going to a new school are pretty stressful events so it’s probably not unusual that you’re not feeling well.
I also wanted to say that you should be proud of who you are. We are all unique on this earth and that’s what makes life worthwhile IMO. It makes me sad though, that you feel you have to hide the fact that you’re trans.
I would say try not to dwell on feeling this way. Perhaps you have had a few hard problems lately and they will get better. The thought that you are a failure is probably a depressive thought and I doubt that it is true.
I encourage you to look on the bright side. You are in school and there are loads of opportunities. You can focus on school and not worry about friends, you can join a gym or read at the library, you can join a sport or club and meet new people. Life doesn’t really get better if you wait around, especially when you’re young. Try to find things or places or people or activities that make you happy and are productive. Keep trying and one day something will surely go your way. Trust me I’ve had many difficulties since high school and things actually got better for me after my illness. You will find people to talk to eventually and you will make something of your life. Tell yourself that.
The problem here isn’t you it’s the lack of support and understanding you’re receiving. My mom always called me lazy and antisocial and it would make me feel terrible. In reality I was really struggling with mental illness & a sleep disorder. She still says these things to me today but now I know she’s wrong and I refuse to feel ashamed for struggling through something anyone and everyone would struggle through. Don’t let other people who don’t know what you’re going through make you feel ashamed.
Sometimes a change of environment can really help, like getting to college. Many colleges are much more liberal/accepting and you may find you will be more accepted there. For example my college even had a special dorm for people who were LGBT that wanted to live together! (You didn’t have to live there if you were LGBT it was just to provide a community for anyone who wanted one) and we also had gender neutral bathrooms everywhere.
I’ve just had such bad experiences with people finding out. My last school, the staff didn’t like trans people (my family didn’t know) and they leaked it to the whole school. The front office lady wouldn’t let me use the safe bathrooms, and when I used the males’ I would get sent down to the office or harassed. I had only one teacher who stood up for me, and even then she didn’t actually stick up for me. I was harassed constantly in class to the point I blurted out I planning to kill myself and cried. I have a video of it but it’s disturbing because the whole class gangs up on me. They were my friends, that’s why it hurts. And this one kid who I wanted to be friends with yelled at me in the street “see you transgender bitch!” I am scared of guys. And I desperately want to make friends with them. That is why no one can know. I want to make real friends.
I do have trouble breathing (we think it’s because of my binder though, which resricts air flow), I think I will get this checked out. Thank you for the concern
I agree. My mom supports me but honestly it’s my fault. I don’t tell her enough. My first reaction to negativity is to pretend that it never happened and shove it down. My brain eventually warps it until it barely exists and it feels like a hallucination, and then it builds up until it resurfaces as passive aggressiveness.
I was also this was, and I learned that you can only feel good about yourself is you admit your imperfect and can accomplish only what you set your mind upon. Then do as such with the faith you have in your heart soul and mind to accomplish what ever it is to show to yourself that you can be and do what you wish to as long as you set yourself into a mode that can do as such.
I do the same. That was a big part of my mom’s misunderstanding too. She really didn’t take me seriously until she stumbled across my old journals which were unfiltered basically brain vomit filled pages of suffering and then she realized her mistakes. She still has a lot denial though so sometimes with parents it’s just hard.
It can be really hard to start opening up when you’re so used to hiding. But until you do nothing will change, and it only hurts you. Over the years I slowly opened up more and more. It changed my life in a hugely positive way. Keeping in feelings and experiences like that is like if you took a bite of something right out of the oven and instead of spitting it out force yourself to hold it in your mouth & swallow. What could have been a second of pain and then being fine turns into you getting blisters and burns all over your insides. And if you keep repeating this you’ll be a hot mess of pain before long.
