The awful thing about ptsd is just when you think you have recovered from it and you don’t think about any of the bad stuff anymore all it takes is one small thing and suddenly it roars back to life.
Basically some of the messed up nightmares I was having combined with Plague arguing with me set it off. I was in so much pain yesterday I was genuinely scared of harming myself so I’m glad I was out in public and could not do so. It was overwhelming. I went to go see wonderwoman instead. The movie made me very sad because it reminded me of how I used to be in dreams. I was a very powerful warrior because of my lucidity and wasn’t afraid of anything, I always had a good time. Now I am so scared in my dreams I am too frightened to fight back at all. I am so overwhelmed by fear. I feel pathetic. There was one character in wonderwoman, this either Irish or Scottish guy and I felt the same way he did. He was supposedly one of the best marksmen around but his ptsd prevented him from actually fighting all he could do was cower in fear and that’s what I’ve become. (And that just allows even more bad things to happen to me!!) In this attempt to desensitize myself to any form of fear so the demons couldn’t use it against me I’ve become so hypervigilant about it I basically have meltdowns.
I’m at this point where I really don’t know what to do about my ptsd. I have worked so hard on it for so many years. I made so much progress but then things like this happens and it feels like it was all for nothing.
I can’t shake horrible thoughts out of my head and the nightmares won’t stop.
