I feel like a broken version of what I used to be

The awful thing about ptsd is just when you think you have recovered from it and you don’t think about any of the bad stuff anymore all it takes is one small thing and suddenly it roars back to life.

Basically some of the messed up nightmares I was having combined with Plague arguing with me set it off. I was in so much pain yesterday I was genuinely scared of harming myself so I’m glad I was out in public and could not do so. It was overwhelming. I went to go see wonderwoman instead. The movie made me very sad because it reminded me of how I used to be in dreams. I was a very powerful warrior because of my lucidity and wasn’t afraid of anything, I always had a good time. Now I am so scared in my dreams I am too frightened to fight back at all. I am so overwhelmed by fear. I feel pathetic. There was one character in wonderwoman, this either Irish or Scottish guy and I felt the same way he did. He was supposedly one of the best marksmen around but his ptsd prevented him from actually fighting all he could do was cower in fear and that’s what I’ve become. (And that just allows even more bad things to happen to me!!) In this attempt to desensitize myself to any form of fear so the demons couldn’t use it against me I’ve become so hypervigilant about it I basically have meltdowns.

I’m at this point where I really don’t know what to do about my ptsd. I have worked so hard on it for so many years. I made so much progress but then things like this happens and it feels like it was all for nothing.

I can’t shake horrible thoughts out of my head and the nightmares won’t stop.


How is geodon working for you?

It’s working ok. I know it’s working because usually when I get poor or no sleep my psychosis spikes and it was doing so earlier this summer but now on geodon it was not spiking despite my sleep being messed up. However so far it has not made my symptoms go away, just kept them average. Plague, one of my voices, was harassing me for like 3 days straight which is partially why I had a little meltdown.

I’m sorry. PTSD is horrible like that. Some days, I think I’m totally cured. Then, my husband touches me in just the wrong way and suddenly I can’t touch him for a month straight. Are you seeing anyone who specializes in ptsd yet? You can call the RAINN network and get your free six sessions and referral. Talking to a counselor who specialized in ptsd was a lifesaver for me, and so was a bit of exposure therapy.


I’ve never seen a specialist before. I will look into it when I move!

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I was born broken. Which makes the fact that I own beachfront property even more amazing.


Excellent, enjoy the surf :sunglasses::sunglasses:

Someone broken from birth DESERVES beachfront property lol