I attempted suicide on Wednesday, I was in a dissociated state so don’t really remember doing it, I had a major flashback which revealed a close friend was involved in my downfall and gang rape, he got me to go there so we could walk and I could show him my route and then I was ambushed. It was the last shadow in my memory, what my mind was hiding from me because it is devastating, what the hell did I do to him to deserve that?
A man saved my life, if he hadn’t acted so quickly I would have bled out, I was in public when this happened, I had lost time for an hour so don’t know how I was behaving but I ended up half an hour away from where I remember being when I bumped into someone which triggered me.
I wish he hasn’t saved me, I was stitched up at hospital without a psych evaluation, I hadn’t self harmed in four years, this severely in seven, why didn’t they care, this was major, I have been in a state of recovery for about two years, and then this, I’m fighting my psychosis, it’s hard for me to stay awake because the voices are yelling most of the time, I don’t want to crash. I feel ashamed because this happened, Im going to have an obvious self inflicted scar which im going to lie about and not be believed when I go to acupuncture training next month I was meant to be there this weekend but I said I had flu rather than the truth that I nearly died and feel like I have been hit by a truck physically and mentally.
I don’t want to face this, I can’t sleep without a light on because I keep hearing them, I thought someone had broken in last night there was so much noise.
I’m hoping for some advice, I don’t know how to keep this at bay, I want to pick myself up and carry on but I want to give in at the same time, I’m trying to decide how to react to this revelation. My life has been ruined by that event and the harassment and blackmail afterwards. I’m so relieved I fought back though, I thought I was complacent but I didn’t go down without a fight and that has given me some hope for the future.
I am sorry if this upsets anyone, I needed the toxicity out, it’s so painful and I wish I didn’t have to live with this but I have no option,
I hope you understand I feel so alone.