I feel ashamed *mentions assault*

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I attempted suicide on Wednesday, I was in a dissociated state so don’t really remember doing it, I had a major flashback which revealed a close friend was involved in my downfall and gang rape, he got me to go there so we could walk and I could show him my route and then I was ambushed. It was the last shadow in my memory, what my mind was hiding from me because it is devastating, what the hell did I do to him to deserve that?

A man saved my life, if he hadn’t acted so quickly I would have bled out, I was in public when this happened, I had lost time for an hour so don’t know how I was behaving but I ended up half an hour away from where I remember being when I bumped into someone which triggered me.

I wish he hasn’t saved me, I was stitched up at hospital without a psych evaluation, I hadn’t self harmed in four years, this severely in seven, why didn’t they care, this was major, I have been in a state of recovery for about two years, and then this, I’m fighting my psychosis, it’s hard for me to stay awake because the voices are yelling most of the time, I don’t want to crash. I feel ashamed because this happened, Im going to have an obvious self inflicted scar which im going to lie about and not be believed when I go to acupuncture training next month I was meant to be there this weekend but I said I had flu rather than the truth that I nearly died and feel like I have been hit by a truck physically and mentally.

I don’t want to face this, I can’t sleep without a light on because I keep hearing them, I thought someone had broken in last night there was so much noise.

I’m hoping for some advice, I don’t know how to keep this at bay, I want to pick myself up and carry on but I want to give in at the same time, I’m trying to decide how to react to this revelation. My life has been ruined by that event and the harassment and blackmail afterwards. I’m so relieved I fought back though, I thought I was complacent but I didn’t go down without a fight and that has given me some hope for the future.

I am sorry if this upsets anyone, I needed the toxicity out, it’s so painful and I wish I didn’t have to live with this but I have no option,
I hope you understand I feel so alone.

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The shame is not yours.

It, the shame, belongs to your attackers.

I know you are talking of the suicide attempt , but it does not matter as it is implied the attack is the cause.

All of the shame belongs to those who did this. both what started it and the fall out too.

Make what polite excuses are needed to protect your own privacy and emotional vulnerabilities.

I am hoping you belong to a support group that meets in person.

That you are carrying on with your life shows you are not giving up. I think you need more emotional support.

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This event is not your fault. They attacked you and they are disgusting people for it. You can’t change the past but you can always work on making the future better.

I’m so sorry you had to go through this. And I know how hard it is to survive sometimes. But I know you can make it through this (hugs)

I’m a trauma survivor too and dissociation is scary especially when you do something to hurt yourself. It’s unsettling. Do you have any grounding techniques that you use that help?

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Thank you, your reply made me well up, I’m not kind to the young me but I try to be and im improving that.

I have never been able to talk about it wholly, I wasn’t believed after the immediate event, because I was delusional, the truth got confused. But I shut myself up it only got me in trouble. I supressed my memory, the memories have gradually returned in flashbacks and nightmares for a year. Now it’s all out, I remember everything, but I can’t talk about it in the nhs they have let me down or shut me up time and time again. I’m looking at private EMDR to desensitise myself to the memories. That may stir things up but I don’t know what other support I can get, our local therapy service refuses anyone with psychosis because they are psychodynamic, and I don’t know if I want to nit pick at it, I just want to talk to an uninvolved person the once be heard and let it out and then leave knowing someone has heard my story. It’s toxic I feel it in my chest and I just need to get it out, I try drawing, painting, writung but I won’t let myself get it out. I don’t know why maybe after all the services that wouldn’t let me ive built up a habit. I just don’t know. I wish I had more support too. But I don’t know where to go, I’ll look into it.

I really appreciate you replying and the kindness in your words, it means the world right now.

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Thank you, I try to believe that and I am working so hard to believe that, I am sorry you are a trauma survivor too, there are some awful people out there but equally good too, just can’t guarantee who we meet in life, which sucks so much. I used to have techniques but the last time it happened this badly I was 17 and I’m 24 now, I cant remember ever receiving techniques. I did try to fight it but I lost time completely, if there is anything that has helped you particularly I’d like to know, I’ll ask my cpn too but nothing like the experience of someone who knows what it’s like, but there is no pressure.

Thank you for replying and for the hug, it really does mean a lot.

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I’m sorry that this happened to you @Dante13.
Get the help that you need.
And please don’t hurt yourself.

Take care of yourself.
Hugs))))

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It takes time. But I just want you to know it’s the truth. It’s not your fault ok (hugs)

At least we arent alone in our pain. It’s true there are terrible people out there. But we have to try to focus on the good people cause they are the ones who deserve our time.

What techniques did you have? I have a lot of different ones but some work better than others for me so if some dont work for you feel free to ask me for more.

Ok so an important thing is to focus on your breathing cause if you can keep your breathing calm and even it helps tremendously breathe in through the nose for 5 and out through your mouth for 7.

But as far as grounding the objective is to stay focused on your surroundings so a lot of times I try to count things for example count all the trees I can see or things that are blue.

Also I find keeping something I can feel like a keychain or a stone or a stim toy in my pocket and just focusing on the texture of it

And another one is just kind of narrating what your doing (in your head or out loud either way is fine) for example: “ok I’m walking down the street and there’s a tree to my right and to my left is a donut store its cold outside the sidewalk is gray theres some clouds in the sky.” Now with this one it’s important to stick to facts only so like with the “it’s cold” try not to be like “its cold i hate the cold”

Also it’s good to tell yourself facts. like “my name is (name) I’m 24 it’s the year 2018 it’s January and I’m in (insert city here) I am safe”

These are the ones I use the most i hope some of them can help You! And I have No problem with helping you out if you ever need anything or want to talk about anything or just to vent or anything feel free to talk to me.

You’ll be ok I know you can make it through this :slight_smile: (hugs)

Also I just want to check are you healing ok? I know you said you attempted so I just want to make sure you are as well as you can be. You don’t have to answer if it’s too far. but please try to take care of yourself.

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I feel very bad that you go through feeling like getting the courage to talk, then no one wants to listen.

I go through the same, but a with a different past. I am at a loss for words that someones shares that part of the path with me. I thought I was alone in that.

You are a good and decent person. You deserve a good life too. We need to make sure we get that. Keep searching for support groups or treatment programs. I will too.

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Thank you wave, I don’t think I’ll hurt myself now, it scared me I had no control, I’m seeing my nurse tomorrow, will be honest with him as much as I can. I don’t want any more scars, that’s my issue, I wish that it won’t be so obvious but it’s going to be and it sucks, feeling a bit more human today, I made soup for me and my mum, very pleased i did that. Thank you for the hugs, hope you are coping too?

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Thank you Noise, I really appreciate you sharing your words and techninques, I have not tried those, most of my techniques were based around mindfulness rather than grounding like this, I think that may help. Will definitely try.

I am thankful for this site because I know someone will help or understand to an extent,
Hope your day is or has gone okay.

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I also thought I was alone, how good we have found someone who understands somewhat. I’ll look and you look, hopefully we’ll get sorted sooner rather than later.

Take care and hope you are having a day you can cope with, thank you for replying.

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I am so sorry you had to go through all of that. I am a trauma survivor, also. Some things I do to calm down are:

Put an ice pack on the back of your head. This will cool down your brain and reduce activity in your limbic system, where emotions happen.

Do a task with simple, clear steps. I like baking. I follow the recipe, and it’s easy enough that I don’t get frustrated, but it requires enough concentration that I don’t have room to think about other things. Cleaning also helps.

Engage your five senses. This will remind you what is real and what isn’t. Listen to soothing music. Smell something pleasant, like an essential oil. Suck on a hard candy. Look at pictures of things you enjoy. Feel something with an interesting texture, like a piece of Velcro or a stress ball.

I don’t know if any of these will help you or not, but this is what works for me. There really isn’t any replacement for qualified professional care, though. Do you have a psychiatrist or therapist trained in psychotic disorders and trauma?

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Hi ninjastar, so sorry you too are a truama survivor, those sounds very helpful suggestions, I will experiment, I like the idea of using the five senses will try and get some touchy or smells because those are my main triggers. I haven’t heard of the cold item at the back of the head? Will put my ice pack in the freezer tonight. Love the idea of baking too! I’m in England so have no specialist at such, are mental health services are quite generalised locally, my nurse is a specialist in psychosis, I have been very fortunate with him, I don’t know my psychiatrist, I changed last year and have only met him briefly where I wasn’t impressed with his take on medication, he seemed unprepared for my appointment, I’m giving him one more go and if he is the same I am changing, I will be seeing him soon because of my physical symptoms.

I wish I did have a specialist though, it’d be so much better.
Thank you for replying, hope your day has been okay.

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I am also a survivor. @Noise’s suggestions about grounding oneself and the deep breathing really do help. There are also support groups for survivors that can help. Where I go for MI help, they have a PTSD group that goes through a workbook together. I haven’t done it but I’ve heard it’s a great group. I no longer have Medicaid so I no longer qualify. But I’d take it if I could. Try to get yourself some help. Going it alone is really tough.

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