I was feeling so positive and so hopeful after my weekend. Dealing with five days away which was the longest on my own since hospital, I coped really well I dealt with some difficult moments but got through, then my nurse just dragged me down on Tuesday He just sees me as ill and I have had enough of being judged and analysed, I’m ready to be discharged. But today I had to deal with a creep whilst out and about wanting to know where I lived and that I was beautiful and we could make a family together he wouldn’t let me leave, wanting to know why I wouldn’t want to go out and didn’t want a relationship, eventually he wrote his number down and I walked away safe but I felt completely vulnerable. I got home quickly because I was having the beginning of a flashback. It wasn’t images as such as the terror I felt. But I felt 15 again and that exposed, I ended up self harming to stop it, not majorly just enough to bloody hurt. Then I vomited and felt awful. I came downstairs feeling defeated and voices began mocking and criticising me, making me aware of the people opposite the house who have just moved in saying they are spies. Thought removal started happening.
I just went to sleep after that, I needed to switch off. I now feel awful and angry at myself. I have an appointment tomorrow with my acupuncturist I havent seen her since the beginning of November, she had to have a knee replacement so I saw a temporary practitioner in between times but havent seen him in six weeks so before the crap hit the fan she’ll see all my self harm scars and today’s and I will feel ashamed, I will be honest, I need the treatment and you can’t really base a therapeutic relationship on lies, I’ll be honest enough I just hope she doesn’t show too much concern, I want her to treat me normally. I don’t want things to change, I don’t want her to see my vulnerability and pain but she will, because I know how important emotion is in the room because it’s my career im in year two of training in, it’s pretty much number one concern! She may not let it drop easily and im scared. She’s not my nurse she may not have seen anyone with fresh self harm it’s protected when its scars, and I feel bad, I feel really bad, stupid and guilty. I’m an awful person.
You had a “D-Day” as I call it. It’s one of those days that it’s the emotional volcano erupting like a full blown war going on all around you, and you end up feeling defeated since In war, nobody wins.
I hope you’ve found yourself again and if not, soon enough. Hang in there
I would recommend seeing a trained therapist in addition to your acupuncturist. Do you currently have a therapist?
If you think you will hurt yourself again, please go to the hospital where you will stay safe. If you think you’re safe for now, call your psychiatrist or therapist for an emergency appointment. It sounds like you are in need of some extra help right now.
Many of us have had this kind of day. It doesn’t make you an awful person; it just makes you a real person. Is there anyone close to you that you can talk to or that can get you help? It sounds like an acupuncturist won’t be enough. Please get help so you don’t have another day like this.
I doubt you’re an awful person. You are mainly unlucky for becoming schizophrenic. We all slip and backslide at some point. It’s the nature of the disease but bad times usually aren’t permanent. This may sound like not a good idea but you’re having a rough time so why don’t you do something and treat yourself to something to take your mind off of your problems?
Just because we suffer doesn’t mean we can’t have a nice walk in the park or a bowl of our favorite ice cream or a nice relaxing hot bath. We get so fixated on our troubles which is totally understandable but there’s free, fun stuff in the world that we can do to get relief from our suffering. Maybe by a new (or used) CD or DVD to enjoy. But yeah, we got dealt bad cards but it doesn’t mean we have to lose all the time. I win all the time even though I barely have any tools in my arsenal. I wish you good luck and I hope things turn around for you. You’ve had a setback but it doesn’t mean it’s permanent.
I have a cpn and psychiatrist but they don’t seem to be hearing me, I saw my nurse on Tuesday, he just doesn’t seem to say anything new anymore but it’s helpful to be reminded of what helps. My psychiatrist is awful, he’s the worst since entering adult services I just don’t like him, I’m waiting for a response about changing. I wouldn’t rely on acupuncture alone, it would be unfair on them anyway. I go to them becuase it helps me physically with side effects and physical responses to my mental health (knots in the stomach, tension etc) I also go because we have to experience treatment but Ive had acupuncture for years now and it helps me a great deal, I’m thinking of looking to get EMDR for flashbacks, I don’t know. Thank you
Thank you Nick, I have taken your advice an bought myself a positive and uplifting book I’ve wanted to read for ages but don’t get it on kindle because I have kindle unlimited. So I will read that and I may have another bath before my appointment. I appreciate your kindness.
I’ve woken up feeling different, less dark, I couldn’t cope with that bloke, it scared me. I feel like I have a stamp on my forehead which says ‘target’ for men now I know some lovely men but actually I stilll feel threatened by the ones locally where my traumas happened at their hands. I feel a bit more level but shaken, thank you for your kind words
I saw her and she was lovely, gave me time to be honest with her, I really struggled to talk but she has t his way about her, it’s reassuring I know some very kind people and I should believe in them more often.