I did it, I emailed my manager saying I am no longer going to work for the recovery college. I deteriorate on every course. I had enough. What did it for me was I had to do mandatory restraint and release training, I emailed my concern because I did not know how I would react to be restrained after memories of my assault surfacing, I was told I’d have a chat with the manager below her in class, she basically said it in front of my colleagues giving me no opportunity to say it didn’t matter who was restraining me I may still be triggered.
I thought I would hang on until the end of the course in three weeks out of duty but today I had an MRI of my head as a ruling out of anything malicious with regards to parkinsons, but the whole time with the noises all I could hear was whispering and screaming, it was 20minutes long, I basically ran back to where my mum was because it was a way a way, I was way up there until the screaming stopped and I just thought… That’s… it I can’t look after other people right now I can’t put myself into that place where the suffering is. All I feel is pain, I don’t see the good but I am trying starting by giving myself a break.
I used to have a similar job. Restraining individuals in crisis is horrible and heart-breaking. And you would have definitely been assaulted at some point, if you worked in a place where restraint training was mandatory. I think you made the right call.
All we were doing was teaching courses, I never once saw a situation that may have needed it I was only a tutor and on a zero hours contract, I was paid below minimum wage, It was up aboves pushing it on us I was the only one to raise concern because of the way I myself was restrained in my memories. I asked if I could attend and see techniques but not participate and they said no. I didn’t see how that would be fair for me when I’m vulnerable to flashbacks right now but they gave me no opportunity to explain this in private, I was basically manipulated into saying it was alright in front of an audience. They expected a lot of me I always had to travel to the next town over and walk an hour with my limited mobility to headquarters, they never made an attempt to make it accessible because it was convenient for those who had cars or offices upstairs. I’d had enough basically and my mental health is awful they may keep me on the books Incase I want to return but I wont I don’t think. I’m meant for something else.
I know an assault of whatever form it takes can compromise your recovery. And taking care of you is the best thing you can do right now. Take care.
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