I don't want to play

It’s painful to be around people who want to play.

I am the playful sort.

Headache and all?

I don’t understand.

what do you mean? play what? I know I can’t be around children a lot.

I’m assuming the mentally ill have a constant headache and that is why I don’t want to play.

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That’s right. You understand me well.

I find that if I am dancing around being silly and mildly manic, I am less stressed, frightened, paranoid, delusional…

Great idea.

We’ll just split up the people into different living areas, everyone can be with their own kind finally.

The playful can play and the others can be around others who do whatever they be doing.

Like seriously wtf is this ■■■■? No organization whatsoever.

Technically, my best friend doesn’t have a playful bone in her body.

That would be how it seems.

Too bad, cause it’s your move. hahahaha

sometimes when I go to my best friend’s house, she has four kids and they love me and they want to play with me, I spend some time taking crazy pictures with them. It’s not really playing but we make faces at the camera and it thrills them for sometime. I have another friend whose kid just has a constant nag, drives me nuts. I never play with him. He’s a great kid though, wish him well. Before my illness, I used to love kids and spend a lot of time with them. Just the emotional detachment from the people and animals around me is driving me crazy.

That’s a tough one. For me it’s because I know their experience and minds are different, there is a barrier in front of empathy. The fact that connecting isn’t natural like it used to be leads to disappointment and that just strengthens the feeling of isolation.

I do try to meditate on this and restore that sense of being human just like the others.

yeah I should start meditating too. I think it’s gonna help me a great deal. I used to be vegan and used to care so much about animals. Now, I don’t give a crap. I eat a lot of animal products and cook with meat everyday. I was avery sensitive person. If I decide to continue my career working just from home once I learn web design, I want to adopt a dog. I really like salukis but I don’t want to buy. I also don’t know if I’m gonna be able to connect with my pet emotionally and take care of it. It’s a mystery.

Ah. Admittedly there was a week there when i didn’t like the Gonz. He’d either be meowing or waking me up. That passed though. It’s more or less a neutral thing. Still love the little bugger though.

Meditation can do a lot if you give it enough time. Self exploration and control.

Sometimes I just try to recreate the self I was before the onset of the illness. Rediscover the worldview I had before the hallucinations(which pretty much skewed everything every which way).

Web design seems like a natural step. Coding sucks. Lot’s of refreshing and testing. Minimalism goes a long way though, saves time and it typically looks better in my opinion.

Edit: Interesting choice in a dog

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