I don’t ■■■■■■■ know.
I can’t take this. I feel like I don’t even deserve it… but I do.
I feel like such a worthless waste of time money and space. nothing good happens to me, nor do I bring good to anyone.
I’m sick of getting thrown around like I’m nothing. I’m sick of constantly being called a b itch and a c unt… but I’m not mentally strong enough for this anymore. there’s too much ■■■■ (sometimes completely lack of) going on in my head to deal with this. I need help. I need a lot of ■■■■■■■ help.
Hey ra.
Things sound bad for you right now. Don’t know what to say except I can appreciate the head circus you are going through is hell. Just know you have become a very active and valued member of this forum over a very short time. People here care how you feel if no one else does.
Keep fighting a good fight and please keep coming here for help.
James
5 Likes
eyeofRa, maybe you should give your pdoc a call and tell him you’re not feeling well. maybe you need to see someone right now.
best of luck to you.
judy
1 Like
I don’t have one.
and also I’ve been outside since ■■■■■■■ 2am. nobody is answering me I have nowhere to go. nothing to do but kill myself. I was so ready to.
it can’t be an option. I walked away from it…
I’m so scared to live though. I’m terrified.
Your not alone…maybe time to seek some help though…cant bear the weight of the world alone all the time…
3 Likes
You need to get a psychiatrist fast. And then get on meds.
1 Like
it’s not just me freaking out, it’s me freaking out bc of a worthless piece of ■■■■ that I’m in love with who treats me like I’m a ■■■■■■■ rag doll. I feel so stupid for constantly going back to this. I know I don’t deserve it, but frankly I feel like I deserve nothing better… nothing worse either, but I’m very dependent on others… him especially… I don’t want to be. I’m scared I’m going to be killed if I keep going back, but I still do it.
Dont go…toxic is hard on normies…it will only leave scars if your lucky…
Dear…everything you wrote so deeply touches me because it sounds just like my words… Happened to me too many times and I know how do you feel. I was even throw out from a car in a middle of nowhere and he just draw away… If you let them, people will treat you like ■■■■ and even make you feel like you deserve it.
You sound like you have at least some of the symptoms of BPD. Have you ever heard about it?
Listen, you need to isolate yourself from your bf and everyone around and take some time to think about stuff you feel and try to make sense of it. If you can read, you should Google about codependency and BPD.
It is important to know that your thinking is distorted and shadowed by your emotions and impulses so don’t believe your thoughts - you are beautiful and worth and you gonna make it.
6 Likes
Oh, and @eyeofRa is he physically abusive?
1 Like
he’s never close handed hit me, but I’ve been thrown into things, drug around, slapped, pushed, he’s pulled my arms behind my back and held my legs so I was completely incapable of moving. his words are very harmful… this is only the 4th time it’s happened. not justified. but it still ■■■■■■■ sucks. because I love him so god damn much. I hate everything right now… it was like 2:30, 3ish and he dragged me from his living room down the stairs and out the door, turned around and locked me out. I just now got home… had to wait for his mom to get up and leave for work to get a ride.
You can’t love a man who hurt you physically and mentally. The love may let you die or live worse than death.
4 Likes
I really like that… thank you. I’m going to write that down and read it often.
You are welcome.
1 Like
Hi. Sorry you are going through this. hang in there please. Keep posting on here for support.
2 Likes
after looking into it, I agree.
I was in a physically, sexually and emotionally abusive first marriage, and I thought that was the most I could expect because no one else would want someone like me. I finally got out, and life gets better. I got Stockholm Syndrome counseling, as well as individual counseling, (for free) at a women’s shelter. Is there a shelter you can go to? You’re at a crossroads, @eyeofRa. You’re being given an opportunity. Make the choice to save and protect yourself. The piece of worthless ■■■■ is the one hurting you. He knows it and now you need to know it. 
️:heart:️:heart:️
5 Likes
I understand you when you say " I love him so much" but you are already aware that it is not what love should look and feel like: it is toxic, it is abusive and codependent relationship and four times are just enough to suppose that it will happen again and again.
Not more than three months ago I was in such relationship: it started just like that, sometimes, if I drove him mad or because he would just get off to such stuff. Then weekly, then daily.
You have to put some boundaries - if doesnt won’t to respect it, which I seriously doubt he will, you must leave him without looking back. He will call and he will beg you to give him another chance. Its just…its a pattern, there are books written about it.
I wish you could know what I know now without going through the same things.
1 Like
as embarrassed as I am to admit this, he’s not the one who does the begging. I am.
1 Like