Schizophrenia.com

I don't know what is wrong with me anymore

It’s hard not to feel abandoned. No one in my family cares, have abandoned me. Send me false prayers to save the mind my mother left behind and the world forgot. I’m supposed to be her caretaker. I have no income, just applied to college and was accepted. Found my letter on the floor among other important things. So it’s nice, but I still can’t afford college. And my father might be a millionaire but I don’t deserve to know that. He doesn’t consider it something of much value, having money, and I moved out. I fell in love. My friend was woken up in the middle of the night and taken to a mental hospital for trying to leave an abusive home situation. I’m trying not to dwell. But on top of this, my label being changed from schizophrenia to bipolar and not having hallucinations, and not knowing what to do about Abilify making my vision deteriorate every time I take a 30mg dose, or even 15mgs at this point.I can’t even read road signs. I’ve been blinded by this.

So am I crazy? Or did it ever mean anything to be know anything? I’m waiting for the sign, the sign of a breakdown. The sense of abnormality, and I fell in love. Suddenly something was missing my whole life and that was me. I’m broken inside, shattered because I don’t make sense enough to find another piece of my soul to medicate into silence. I’m sorry if my opinion has changed and if being opposed to forced medication makes me somehow not “pro recovery” to you all. But where is the recovery? I was never shown the way out, and no one really cared enough to help me. I’m now brutally independent and completely messed up.

(((((Hugs)))) to you @StarryNight, Hope you can find enough inner strength to keep holding on, life seems to me to just keep on sucking more and more every day. Still waiting for my turn too.

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Someone prompted me to write this yesterday… it might help:

see the water around you
Don’t stop at the light field

I’m sorry these people make you
scream and squeal

It’s not their fault or disease

You’re just different and seek belonging
It’s a tough thing to find for folk like you and me

A girl once told me
Just learn to be lonely

I was already used to being alone
But its seems there is further to go

Don’t disdain those you don’t know
The less you do the more you grow

For its not you or they who is different
You’re both different either way

And unfortunately…
It might always be that way

Get used to it
It’s all we can really say

You might at least find peace
It’ll be yours to keep
Either way

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Forced medication is a huuugely touchy subject, I don’t think it makes you anti-recovery, you’ve the right to feel however the hell you want about your own situation. And it sounds like you’ve had professionals disagree about what is going on with your mind and I know that is massively unsettling and stressful. I’ve received diagnosis of depression, PTSD, bipolar, etc and then even had a therapist try to convince me I had DID, and now recently a pdoc who thinks schizoaffective. I get the same feeling sometimes, derealization, like there is no reality because reality can change at any time, and I can’t even rely on outside people to keep it consistent. I find it extremely stressful, it’s easy to give up, hard to keep trying.

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There’s time, you’re young, and you don’t have to be, do, or know All, ever. Life is a journey that we’re all on without one of us knowing exactly what’s going to happen. Simetimes when it’s so overwhelming you need to stop and regroup. Think about what’s possible today and just do that. Try to let everything else go.

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Yeah that is what I’m trying to do. It’s also kind of odd, I didn’t realize until recently just how much faith is implied in my own self esteem and survival. I’m not a “Christian” because I’m afraid of death. It’s a firm belief I have in God and a world beyond the flesh. When I opened up my mind, I was able to perceive other possibilities. But you can’t explain that to anyone in this culture. It makes me question if this gift of perception is really the cause for this schizophrenia existence.

Then I also think, my epiphany is that the world is so diverse and full of sensation and emotion and pain, it makes perfect sense that the more you open up the more neurotic and painful life can seem. I was on the way to enlightenment, or something, but how can I become enlightened if I cannot define one source of purpose, one point of perception which can direct me.And yeah, maybe spiritual messengers exist. But should the spirit be conditioned to some kind of morbid reality? My personal experiences have led me to a more Taoist reality is subjective philosophy which has no room for schizophreia’s social stigma in a societal context, schizophrenia is evil in its essence and how people can detach to one reality just to replace it with a more plastic conditioned one.

I think I conditioned myself to accept the harsh reality that I had no choice or say as to what happened with my mind, so I Just accepted the label and years later started losing my vision and impulse control. I was one of the first who took Abilify, I was forced into a drug study. They put me on six different anti psychotics after a suicide attempt induced by Risperdal, since I was having depression and it turned into psychotic depression with the help of the wrong medication and poor treatment. Now I’m too OCD and split to even rationalize my past, or understand myself…because I don’t myself really understand how if someone looks at you and assumes they know what is going on inside of you, its ok to lock you up. especially when you’re a fifteen year old girl and have no rights.

I just want things to add up. I’m now becoming hyper invested in overcoming fear and denial, cutting through all the pain and coming up with something beautiful out of the ugliness. My friend’s character name for me is Gretchen which translates to Pearl, and it makes sense to me and how flattering, I try to turn everything ugly beautiful–and I realize even ugliness is beautiful too. Even despite hardships, I’m close to my values and God somewhat, and I don’t feel like I’ve never lived. I’ve just lived a very depressed life for a while in an oppressive environment. My dad advised me to move into public housing and apply for disability, he’s planning on selling the house at some point and divorcing my mother and she’s alone now. Because I couldn’t take the abuse anymore and moved out and in with someone I met online. Now I’ve got mixed emotions because I like this guy, and yet I can’t even begin to contemplate taking medication for these feelings and moods…