I was diagnosed with schizophrenia almost five years ago. Ever since my diagnosis I have been miserable. I can’t remember anything that made me happy. Even when I watch something that makes me laugh or smile inwardly I feel nothing. I thought if I pulled my life back together I would feel better. Now that I’ve studied hard and kept taking my meds I’ve managed to accomplish a lot, but I’m still miserable. I feel like nobody would care if I died tomorrow. I feel like I constantly have to chase my family members down to get them to talk to me and that if I don’t they will forget about me and not care. When I wanted to commit suicide a couple of years ago they all said they care but I feel like all of the relationships I have with my family are completely one sided. I know if i was more positive then people would want to talk to me but I just can’t do it. It’s too hard. I’m always tired and whiny. They all make an effort to see each other but not me. I used to dream about getting married but over the years that dream has faded. I’m already 27 years old and I’m not even in a relationship. I feel like I kill myself to improve my life, something that is automatic for others is nearly impossible for me. I don’t think I even want to get married anymore. Everything feels like work. When I’m doing homework I feel just as happy as if I was playing a video game.
I was like that on a previous med but it’s not as bad on abilify.
I don’t think it’s the meds my antipsychotic is abilify too
I’m on abilify too and enjoy exercising.
I’m glad you enjoy something
What dose are you on? I’m only on 15mg at the moment.
I take 40 mg a day
Holy guacamole batman. Well I don’t know. Maybe that’s it. But if you need that amount to be stable and it’s working then that’s good.
Yeah I have to take that high of a dose to make the voices go away. I can’t even think or read if I’m hearing voices.
I feel like everything is an thankless effort, too. I don’t know what to do except “When you’re going thru hell, keep going.” Sooner or later we’ll get to the other side.
I dont know what to say except i know how it is
You’re lucky you can study, I’m having trouble with that now and it’s all I’ve been good at before being sick. Maybe try focus on what you can do and do more of it. Even if you can’t feel happiness maybe you can feel other good feelings like contentment, calmness, etc…
You’re right I’m lucky I can study. I’ll try to focus on contentment. I have a lot to be content about
I’m on Invega Sustenna 234mg monthly injection and even though I have been very stable for the past 9 months, grounded in reality, not delusional, not talking to myself all the time, the voices are virtually non existent, slight paranoia, thoughts are not racing all the time, I believe I’m out of my psychosis as well also, maintain my hygiene, have insight into my thinking, go to the gym 3 - 4 times a week and on top of that I’ve been working an easy job pushing 55 hours a week I still feel down and depressed a lot of the times.
It’s a weird feeling that I can’t seem to shake off. I don’t know if it’s me working overnight shifts, the medication, or the illness that’s making me feel this weird emptiness. I’m pretty sure I’ve come to terms with my illness so I don’t think I should be still down about my diagnosis.
I’ve read about Post psychotic depression regarding schizophrenics but I think I should be over the depression by now. I post here to vent, read and share some of my thoughts for others to know but damn this just feels like an uphill battle because my brain doesn’t feel like it’s functioing like it used to because my memory isn’t there like it used to be. I’m also taking L-theanine 100mg a day and will start Sarcosine as well pretty soon. If anyone has any insights please share.