Schizophrenia.com

I dont deserve anything?


#1

i dont think i deserve anything, i dont do anything to deserve anything

wish i could say i have done something for what i get but i havent

i’d like to earn something for a change,

its like all of those people that work and i dont do anything

i feel like a waste of space,

no use, no point, no reason,

it sucks


#2

Stop agonizing about people who don’t care.


#3

wasnt agonising about anyone @chordy

no-one except myself

i cant do anything

i feel a bit like the man in the iron mask :frowning:


#4

@Daydreamer

You have done a lot. You have gotten a lot of college under your belt, you have been working on keeping in contact with friends, I even read that you were thinking of going to do some classes in August.

You’re just at a bit of a down time. It will pass.

I know it feels horrid. But keep the chin up and just don’t let other people get to you. You can only go your own speed. It will get better.


#5

thanks jay, i know i have done stuff but it doesnt mean much to me because i am still stuck on the same gravy train

my hands are tied because i cant work because i wont get a flat if i did that and to top it all off i dont think i could hold down a job anyway, i keep thinking i can do something more than i am capable of, i keep thinking there is some way out of this but despite all my efforts i can never find it.

things are moving too slowly and its making me feel like ■■■■,

i am suppose to see a vocational person soon about it all tho but that is a really slow process but i’m going to get help finding things to do.

i am grateful for everything the government has given me tho i just dont want to have to rely on that my whole life,

i want a normal life with a job i love doing and getting paid for it so i can pay my rent and car without help, i feel a bit like an invalid on benefits or some kind of charity case, i’m sick of getting something for nothing
its making me sick

all i do with it is spend it on rubbish, i get rubbish food and drink i dont even enjoy, everything is meaningless really, i need a purpose, i need something more.


#6

My heart goes out to you @Daydreamer. I worry about that a lot, everyone says too much. I’m so scared that I will get sick one day and not be able to support myself. It’s reason #999999999 that I don’t want kids. If I had a kid I would want to provide for them.
I’m no where near where I want to be either. I wanted to go to a good, all girl’s school. I was so smart when I was little, so much smarter than I am now. I wrote beautiful poetry which I deleted most of because I didn’t think it was “worthy”. I wish I would have kept it, you know, just for myself. But I was angry and impatient. I had what you were going through even then. I wanted to be the best, to be perfect, I wanted my dreams to come true instantly and I got really mad at anything I did that I deemed “inadequate”. I don’t think I was as hard on others as I was on myself, just like you.
I think the only salvation for people like us is art. I retyped a story that won the nonfiction category for my Podunk college literary magazine. I didn’t particularly like it, I didn’t want to submit it (submitting something was a requirement for the class), and I probably would have never given it a second look. Even as I was rereading it (I had to read part of it out loud for the award thingy. I didn’t remember what I had written and I had to give it a quick once over) I wasn’t impressed and I was under the impression that I had won the “slow turtle race”. I still think that’s true, but as I retyped it I realized that it was the best think I have ever written.
So, what I am saying is: Go into the arts. I don’t think either of us will be successful business people, famous lawyers, or even renounced surgeons (well not without a huge amount of support that is both preparing for and during our careers), but the arts are easy. You can spin yourself into an angry ball of fury because your proportions are off, but once you learn to calm down and embrace things like your wording, your flawless brush strokes, or your growing dexterity on the cello, things get a lot easier. Then you can feel like whoever is supporting you isn’t supporting nothing, they are supporting an artist in the making and eventually are true master. Van Gogh wasn’t appreciated in his own time. If I remember correctly his brother pretty much supported him.
You have an edge over all other artists. Lots of them ruin their brain with drugs to see what you have seen. It sounds odd and stupid (and it is) but they want to suffer because they think it will make them better artists. And it does. The more you suffer, the harder your life it, often shows in your work. The pain you express through the clarinet even when learning to play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star becomes real. When one trumpet player was asked how he put so much expression in his solo (I don’t remember what it was about, but it was supposed to be sad) he said he immersed himself in the feelings he had when his wife was dying. To quote the penguin from Happy Feet (a movie about a dancing penguin. It’s kinda inspirational in a childish way. I like the songs).
“Happy feelings, sad feelings, so many wonderful feelings”
I know it doesn’t feel like that to you, it doesn’t feel like that to me either, but other people seem to love it. Edgar Allen Poe suffered immensely with depression, but his work contributed to the welfare of others. You read “The Raven” and you look at trees differently. You see everything with new eyes. I guess that’s what people like. Through listening to music, looking at painting and sculpture, reading, ect. they borrow our eyes for a moment and they marvel at our view, but only because they only catch a glimpse.


#7

You have the want… now you just need the idea on how to get there. Having the want is further along then those who have no want.

I bet you could hold a job because you have the want. Where to go for ideas…

Seeing a vocational person is a great first step. I got my first job from a vocational out patient program. It started part time… but it grew. Ok, so it’s not a high powered job and I’m NOT a mover or shaker. But I cover my bills, I have insurance and I love what I do.


#8

Just your being without doing anything is important for at least your family and in my opinion be aware of what med you consume cause such sayings can be sign of their side effect( such as depersonalization) or negative symptoms or depression in my experience.


#9

I meant to suggest that someone on your mind or in your head is draining you instead of helping you.


#10

I hope you feel better soon. You have attended some college, so that’s a good start. I’m glad to hear that you are going to see a vocational person soon. That will hopefully help with some of your feelings. I have confidence that you won’t be dependent on government assistance your whole life, because you want something more. You will get that something more eventually.


#11

Want without action is indeed a miserable place to lounge.
Taking without giving throws off the balance of a peaceful mind.

Do you have any elderly neighbors who could use some yardwork? Grocery shopping? Help cleaning their house? Being driven to a doctors appointment?
Anything?
Start small in doing what you are able, that others no longer can do for themselves.
Before you stick your nose up and say no, I’d rather not. Just think about the good feelings you get when you actually help someone, kind of a full circle, you get paid to do nothing and it bothers you, so return the favor and do something for nothing for someone else.
It don’t have to be forever, or a full time job per se, but something to fill your time that is valuable and needed, at least until you can decide to to what you want.


#12

you most certainly are not a waste of space it is the lack of organisation/planning motivation its just part of the schizophrenia you have more depth than say mindless work droid. dont compare yourself to others rejoice in your uniqueness its difficult going against the grain it really is but you are a slave to no man.


#13

work and school are the things that damage and corrupt a man’s mind in the first place. the world of man requires knowledge; knowledge divides the mind and creates schizophrenia. do not judge yourself by the expectations of the world, or think of life in terms of what you have “done”. “accomplishment” is subjective. your life is a compilation of millions of seconds of existence. no amount of symbols can capture that.


#14

Just live your life to the best of your ability. Most of us are in ‘catch-up mode’, or even just barely ‘holding our own’. You will never be Brad Pitt, David Beckham, or Tom Cruise. Accept it. I understand your desire to pay your own way, or earn your own keep, but if you can’t it’s not the end of the world.You’re lucky, because at least you got a friend in Sweep. Be a good friend and it will make you feel better. Take some more classes, go for a walk, Do something you enjoy. For yourself. You seem like a nice guy. THAT fact makes you deserve respect and means you deserve to take up space. LOTS of people are NOT nice but have everything given to them. At least you have a reason for your troubles. There are many people without schizophrenia who don’t work and have no excuse. They sit around doing drugs or hanging out with other people like them who make no effort to do anything constructive.AND many of them go out of their way to cause trouble for other people. If you are not doing drugs, or causing trouble, then you deserve to be here more than them. Don’t beat yourself up.


#15

I always thought about how the noun - invalid, carries with it the meaning of the adjective - invalid.