I do believe that I am 99% recovered now

I was feeling a little moody and up and down while I was on a powerlifting team at a rather cult-ish gym. I was feeling tired and sore and then pushing myself to do extremely hard training sessions. It just wasn’t healthy and the people in that environment were toxic to me. So I got kicked off the team and decided that I was done with powerlifting, done with the sport all in all, and done with that gym and the people there. I feel a lot better just doing bodybuilding at the YMCA with some guys I know from junior high who are all in college like I am. I actually got bloodwork done to see if everything was normal when I was consistently getting stronger, much stronger very quickly while on that powerlifting team. I came back normal with below average testosterone.

Anyways, I found what was making me feel funny- it was powerlifting. It’s an extreme sport and it is known to consume people, great powerlifters are powerlifters first and people second. It’s a sport that is about as extreme as sports get. That’s not good when I am first me, who my friends and family know, then an honors student, then a recovered schizophrenic. Athlete comes in at fourth place.

I am able to be social and feel at ease. I went around midtown with some friends last night, which is a small little area where bars, restaurants and shops are all within walking distance and you need to get there early to find a good parking spot. I went to the LGBT community center and parked there at 8pm and then stayed until the meeting was over and then went to a Celtic pub with a few friends. It is a very popular place with college kids and young adults, I asked for a big table and they led me to the last round table on the patio outside. My friends showed up and it was nice and private, away from the crowd, which was nice because we didnt have to yell to hear each other. I ordered my favorite beer and one of my friends who also likes that beer (Guinness stout) got one too, I had a Celtic dinner, it was really nice. After my friend and his girlfriend and I had been there for a while, two of my other friends came, they were late. I took my medication after I ate my food and realized how much of a miracle that white capsule is- I never thought I would be able to do things like spend a night out in the popular part of town. I had different things going through my head when I was 18 and 19 and psychotic. Being normal was not one of them.

Anyways, then a guy from my grade school came over and said hello and that he had seen my facebook stuff, the powerlifting, bodybuilding, my status about being well a year after my diagnosis, which like 90 people liked, and he was saying that he was really in disbelief of how well I was despite what a ■■■■■■ up disorder I have. I guess to see me sitting with a group of friends late at night in the happening part of town is the last place to find a paranoid schizophrenic, a very muscular schizophrenic at that. He is a pre-med student, about to go into med school, so he knows what the two words “paranoid schizophrenic” actually mean. He basically congratulated me on doing well and wished me luck, I wished him luck as a med student too. He saw that I had a beer and asked me if I drank and I said “just one in social situations.” which felt great to say, as I was physiologically dependent on alcohol less than two years ago.

It’s a small world I guess. I saw a fair number of people I knew when we went bar hopping after dinner. I only had that one beer at dinner with my friend. My other friends got drunk and were acting silly, we ended up talking to strangers at a crowded deli/bar which is very popular.

Being able to go out in very busy places full of people is something I have been used to by now, I’ve done that since December, but to have had someone notice my story just on facebook and to remember all of it and wish me luck was a great feeling. It happens at least once or twice at parties hosted by old friends where old acquaintances show up and also tell me they have seen my story and cant believe how well I am, how healthy I look and how normally I behave. But for it to have happened randomly in public, for someone to have noticed me sitting in the very back of the patio of a pub with a table full of people was different.

I had a few instances of symptoms last night. Just a few. A few beats a few thousand instances of symptoms. I do believe that I am virtually symptom-free and completely functionally recovered. I stayed out till about 1am with my friends, I have stayed out much later before but had to take a nap the next day so I dont like staying out seriously late, like until 3 or 4.

I have been thinking lately that I am pretty much past schizophrenia. I think I have it all sorted out, I know how my medications work and take them all exactly how I should, and they work. I stay healthy, I recently quit smoking and have stuck to it. It has been a year of remission now, I have been on a therapeutic and effective dose of Geodon for over one year. The past year was full of great things. The list is too long to post.

Anyways, I feel like I am past schizophrenia now. It is no longer a controlling factor in my life, I have recovered to where I was before all of this ■■■■ happened. I am not smoking, I dont really drink, I am a straight-A student in the honors program at my school and very muscular. My personality test comes out as an ENTJ, like it did before schizophrenia. I have lots of friends and have been dating people.

It’s all behind me. The only reminders of it are tiny little instances of symptoms, like one word hallucinations once an hour after the sun goes down. That and taking my medications. The caffeine habit is also a reminder that I have schizophrenia, I am sedated unless I have strong caffeinated drinks twice a day. I had my morning double cup of coffee after I woke up, I feel alert and capable now, I was slow and tired when I woke up.

I have a unique case, but we all do. My case is the treatable kind- without medications, I have very strong hallucinations and delusions- so strong that I cannot shake them with insight alone, I require medication. However, I had negligible negative symptoms, amotivation, alogia, ect. I just came off as quiet and awkward unless I was drunk, then I would speak, a whole lot actually. I am extremely fortunate to respond so well to my medications- I know lots of you have tried many medications and still suffer.

I hope that the new generation of antipsychotics which are in development can have you all saying the same sorts of things one day. Never lose faith in medicine, it saved my life, as you can tell. And never give up, you have to survive this illness before you can recover from it, it is life-threatening and people DO die from it, by suicide, by being murdered, by accidental overdoses of self-medications like alcohol, ect. There is a high suicide rate in schizophrenics. I attempted suicide when I was 19 years old, and I drank so much that I am surprised I didnt get alcohol poisoning.

I think I have reached the forgetting about it stage in recovery. It was just a bad dream, a waking nightmare for about two years.


I am glad you are doing so well. I wish I could say the same. I am doing okay, but I am hearing voices occassionally, and they really bring me down. I am very nervous about the upcoming fall semester. I am going to have to be waking up at 6:30am to get there on time. Some of my professors got good ratings on rate my professors, one of them not so good, and one of them was not rated. I get so much anxiety about it. I take klonopin, but it doesn’t seem to help. Wish me luck.

You’re as highly functioning as I am, you made a 4.0 last semester, you are awesome! You’ve got this. I have anxiety too, the xanax works pretty well though. In school I get anxious but I have grown used to it, I am going into my third year of college and have learned the do’s and dont’s. Do sleep, exercise and socialize to keep stress down, don’t procrastinate, don’t freakout during finals (I freaked out at 230am the night before two finals last semester but managed to make A’s on my finals), ect.

College is really about not being like the dropouts, which means not partying instead of studying. A night out with friends or going to a party is different from partying, by partying I mean getting very drunk, being hungover and not doing homework, doing drugs instead of going to class, ect. I know kids who smoked weed and cut class and what do you know, they flunked all of their classes.

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Thanks for the encouragement, @mortimermouse. I do study (hard), and go to class, and don’t get drunk, except for the occassional Saturday night, when I have already done my homework. So, I’ll try not to worry too much.

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Yeah if you made a 4.0 your first semester, you have already proven that you can do it again. My dad tells me “keep on keeping on”. It’s actually pretty good advice.

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Good to hear.

I’m in recovery from my illness as well. I know my symptoms CAN return as they did for a couple of weeks a few months ago but I just let it run it’s course and they eventually subsided again. Before this I had been symptom free well over a year and a half. When I tell people this it’s as if they can’t believe it, I’m not sure how much recovery from sz people realize is possible. I went from being borderline psychotic for six years to living with zero symptoms…it’s possible.

I still of course have my false memory saga still living at the back of my mind but it doesn’t interfere at all in my life and I rarely pay the memories any attention unless of course I feel the need to entertain them, which I do now and then as they are honestly beyond interesting.

What I’ve found to be important about my recovery is that it has given me the chance to live as an example of the fact that recovery is even possible and also to get to help others who may be on a different leg of their journey that is recovery.

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I enjoy your posts mortimer. I always like the intelligence and coherence of your writing. And the positivity.

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Thanks! I do put a lot of time into my original topic posts and sometimes sit here for an hour composing an essay lol. I think I like my post about the lines between sexuality and romance the most. It is non-schizophrenia related but is something I have formed an opinion on after having lots of new experiences in the past year. I basically had a ton of sex in a very short amount of time, and now I am not as sexual and more needy of relationships than sex. I thought about my opinions on relationships, romance, what love is, and where sex comes in after hanging out with an asexual friend a several days ago.

Basically I think sex and love are completely separate.

I’ve never really been in love. Maybe infatuation or puppy love. But Mortimer!!! I see your point, love and sex CAN be separate. But from what I’ve heard from the outside looking in is that sex is best with someone you love. And thus they are intertwined and “blend in” to each other, so to speak. By definition they are separate, but sex is a way of showing love for two people in love. So like you discovered and told us, sex without love is like physical exercise without any love. Sex is an integral part of being in love. You can have sex without love, and sometimes love without sex. But in combination it is the best. When writing on the internet, meanings and nuances are frequently lost or misunderstood so maybe I lost your point about sex and love.

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well done mate sounds like youve worked really hard to be as well as you are enjoy it:)

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I think that sex can make love stronger when done correctly- and I dont mean love as in “one and only true love” I dont believe in Disney movie ■■■■, I mean you meet someone and you mutually feel something for one another. Doesn’t have to be officially declared love, I dont treat the word love like it is that big of a deal, I think love can be as simple as wishing someone a nice day and really meaning it, Bob Marley kind of love, love everyone, that sort of thing. Like I said in one of my other posts, to love just one person in your life is sad. For example, I love my friends. There’s no sex with them (except for one, once) but I do love them.

Like for example, I had sex with an old friend. We are still just friends, but it was more passionate than the other sex I had and I would say that there was love involved. The other sex I have had was with friends with benefits, which means you make an effort to not love each other. It felt like a physical sport. Performance, technique, endurance, lol pleasing someone is like performing a sport correctly. But apparently I am good at it, I got outstanding feedback. :wink: but now I have had enough sex to not think that it’s the best thing ever. Being a virgin made me think sex was a big deal. It’s really pleasurable but so are other things…I quit smoking two weeks ago and for the first three days I would have taken a cigarette over 45 minutes in bed with a porn star of my choice. Lol.

But there are three types of sexual intercourse- sex, ■■■■■■■, and making love. Sex is what people who are infatuated do, ■■■■■■■ is what you do with people you dont actually care much about, and making love is what people who are married/engaged/in civil unions/have been together for a long time do.

Most of the love I have and have had for other people is not and was not sexual- in some cases I would like for it to be sexual, but it just isnt, mostly due to people being straight, with like one exception so far. Sex and love can intersect, but it’s less common these days- counting the people who think they are in love but arent. Like my friend and his girlfriend, they say “I love you” but have been dating for like two months. That’s stupid. They do a lot of drugs by the way. By a lot I mean they are high all weekend.

As for “being in love”, ■■■■, I dont know…I get feelings for people that I think must be love, especially when they reciprocate those feelings. It feels like what I imagine cocaine or crack feels like. It reminds me of sniffing ammonia, which I did to break personal records in powerlifting, but a rush of happiness instead of a rush of rage. It lasts for a short amount of time but is definitely a rush of feel good chemicals in my brain, its euphoric and exciting.

This is an interesting conversation, I would have been able to have had it a year ago.


Good luck mortimer. sounds like you are very stable. I stopped drinking and smoking cigarettes and am doing really well too.

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caroline. I think you need to feel like you can do it despite your anxiety so I have a recipe for success at calming down and it is… you try something challenging that you are pretty certain you can do and you do it and wha la it makes you feel relaxed capable and ready.

hope this works for you.