@animalchin and I had discussed fear of success, and he has a pretty good thread on it over here
I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about this and talking about it with friends and family. My roommate has been frustrated with my stubborn insistence about staying in a job that makes me miserable, despite good options. In an earlier job, I became suicidal, but refused to do anything about it until my boss told me another manager had asked her to get me to apply for a promotion.
Much of this has to do with @notmoses’s oft cited Learned Helplessness, the belief that you are incapable of doing anything that will change your circumstances for the better.
Beyond thinking that I’m not capable of improving things, I believe I don’t deserve to improve things.
I’m trying to get better. Part of this for me is acknowledging my harmful beliefs for what they are. So here we go.
I believe that my interests and reactions are wrong.
I believe that I’m poorly made and incapable of functioning correctly - quality control should have chucked me in the reject bin.
If something good happens to me, I believe someone else deserved it more.
If I do something to earn good things, I believe I’ve stolen those things from someone who deserves it more, and I am ashamed.
I believe people don’t want me to succeed.
I believe people want me to make bad choices, because that’s what I’m supposed to do.
If I do something healthy and good, I believe it’s in defiance of everyone’s wishes.
If I get caught doing something good, I believe I’ll be punished.
The more that I articulate these things, the easier it is for me to understand how and unlikely these beliefs are. Does anyone recognize themselves in these? Do you have any other thoughts that keep you from taking good care of yourself? How do you combat these beliefs?
Well I can see why after 12 years of bullying I couldn’t escape from through school how learned helplessness would definitely apply to me and how despite my perceived best efforts to handle a bad experience that comes along now, I’m probably just only giving it a half assed effort and can’t tap into my full potential without probably extensive coaching.
It’s weird, isn’t it? Who would actually want to punish us for making healthy choices? I felt I should be doomed to unhappiness at work because I messed up my first attempt at school. Unhappiness is the punishment for that.
I was sick, that’s why I messed up. Who seriously decided I should be forever unhappy, but me?
Well I want you to succeed, and think you are very capable of doing so. (You too @everhopeful!)
I suffer from the same things, usually my train of thought goes from “I don’t deserve nice things” to “Why shouldn’t I?” … In time it’s been getting better, so I think I’m improving in this area.
Maybe this has something to do with it too
The idea that self destructive behavior is actually good for us, in this way these thoughts are justified and we actually feel good about them, wanting more. Like an addiction.
Just a theory though, maybe I’m wrong.
I think I have some kind of self-righteous “suffering is noble” thing going on, paid off in comments like, “you’re always such a good sport” or “you’ve always been the sweet one.”
Really, though, I’m a dog who won’t jump to the other side of the fence to avoid the electric shock. I just lie down and soak it all in.
I’m going to read the death drive article. I bet it’s another one of those things I think I know but will end up surprised by.
I self-sabotage all the time, but for me it feels like survival. Doing really well raises the bar higher and the sense of responsibility I feel to maintain so as not to disappoint others is too heavy. The goal for me is to remain unnoticed, under the radar, under the bar, not raised up into a spotlight of expectations that are suffocating to me. I always thought I had to attain something great, do something great/outstanding, be someone above others. When I realized I couldn’t, it was crushing. So I am just a regular person with a regular/unremarkable life. No one is looking to me to save or impress them. I stay in my dark little corner and don’t disappoint anyone.
Though one should NOT tackle therapy for this until one is well-stabilized on meds, it may be worth looking into now just to see that there’s a LOT of understanding of your situation in the mental health world.
This is me all the way. I feel like according to evolution, I shouldn’t exist. These problems should have been sorted out in our gene pool by now.
I have a hard time leaving people and situations that are bad for me, but for the opposite reason. I feel like I have to help them, because without me they wouldn’t stand a chance. I feel like it’s my responsibility to make things better for them. And when my efforts invariably do nothing, I take it as my failure, not theirs. I couldn’t cure their addiction because I wasn’t a good enough friend. I lost that job because I wasn’t tough enough. I have slowly been learning to stop accepting responsibility for other people’s problems, because it’s not possible for me to fix someone else’s life.
I’ve been told that I put myself into impossibly difficult situations just to see how I can dig my way out. I punish myself. I’m honestly not comfortable unless I’m uncomfortable.
Now that I realize it, it’s much easier to manage and identify when that door knocks.
Good post @Rhubot!
I looked at those and can see why you pointed those out based on my response on this thread, but I don’t think they truly apply to me. I appear bright and friendly to others and I do my job well. But I know my limitations and avoid feeling overwhelmed, as well as disappointing others. Other people tend to believe I’m very capable, which is nice, but I know my limits, both intellectually and psychologically. I’m taking care of myself.
These posts from last fall and winter keep popping up for me for some reason.
Since I wrote this, a lot has changed. I got out of a toxic job, I’m going back to school, I’ve been working on mindfulness and mind-body bridging therapy, and my pdoc and I have been tackling these beliefs head on.
I don’t believe any of them anymore, I’m really pleased to say. It’s hard to remember the mindset I was in when I did believe them. I didn’t really notice them going away, but they’re gone.
