I caught a look at my file at the physician's

just for a couple seconds, I caught a glimpse of my file on the docs ipad and it stated off with “Psychological trauma. Paranoid schizophrenic.” I looked away after that.

No matter how much I lift, no matter how high of a GPA I get, no matter how many meds I take, this is who and what I am. It got to me, I broke down and cried the next morning after waking up early.

For those of you who are curious about what remission feels like, it feels like you are a different person than you were while you were psychotic, and it is an uncanny feeling that can be disturbing. You question who is the real you- the psycho or the person who has a medical problem and takes medicine for it. I still cant decide who Maurice really is, but I chose to be the person who takes medicine for an illness and lives a productive life and continues to achieve.

It’s not all sunshine and rainbows, but remission is a dream come true, that much I can say. We have all dreamed about everything just stopping, just being normal, and my dream came true. But my brain is abnormal, left to its own. I require foreign substances to make me appear and function normally. I will always be officially a paranoid schizophrenic, some days I cant believe that I have it because my meds work so well, some days I have a little bit of symptoms and am reminded that I am mentally ill.

We will always be mentally ill, but what else will you be? That is the question. It’s up to you to answer that question, no one else can answer it.

Heres a drawing I made, the right side says “truth” in Kanji and the left is a capsule of Geodon.


I would think more of it that you have an imbalance in your neurotransmitters glutamine and dopamine, which historyically has been given a ■■■■ name with a ■■■■ stigma, and stop worrying about what these quacks write or think.

since there’s no return on investment on finding a cure for this neurotransmitter imbalance, not a great pay rate compared to a cardiologist or an oncologist, we’re just all screwed by economics. skull ■■■■ them, I believe is what you might say.

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Skull ■■■■ em. :smile:

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Skullfuck the label. Skullboink the file. You rock.

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Hey @mortimermouse, ■■■■ the diagnosis and the label. These were really created for insurance companies. You are still yourself underneath the label. Keep on rocking man - Skullfuck them all :skull:


I sort of enjoy seeing what my doc has written about me over the years. I’ve gotten a lot better according to his notes. He’s gotten a lot better according to mine.

Maybe it’s because I’m 13 years in, but I sort of see my label the same way I see my nationality or gender.

I’m a man, no matter how I feel, what I think or accomplish or don’t, there is still a Y chromosome, a Mexican heritage and a bunch of cross wiring in my head.

No matter what, that’s how it’s just going to be. (Unless I want to do something drastic and invasive.)

you know yourself, only you can define you. Labels are so others know what to do in case of emergency.

It’s part of coming to terms I guess.


Now that I am taking meds that work for me I haven’t had symptoms for a long time, no voices and no weird muddled thinking. When I was sick I was obsessed with my SZ label, it defined who I was. But now that I am better, I don’t think about SZ so much, I think about my life, my role as a wife, and my writing and reading and my pet budgie and so on. SZ is part of me, not all of me, it doesn’t define who I am, but is just a part of my make-up.


i’d like to see my records, i think it is natural to be curious and i dont think i care what they call me whether its schizophrenic or not,

i have had this diagnosis for a while now (12 years) so i guess i am use to it by now

Can’t imagine what my records would say, but I doubt I would agree with what was written. I rarely agree’d with what a few pdocs said back then, and now It’s been proven that what I had been thinking all along was based in truth, not psychosis.
I could see the truth, they knew the truth, but they refused to let me express it.
What a waste of 19 years of my life.

I don’t really get stigma for my illness. The few people I told where surprised I was schizophrenic, two of them where interested in what it’s like

I know who I really am - without my meds - curled up under a desk, doing nothing, saying nothing. Though not in complete remission, I’ve chosen to be the way I ‘am’ under medication, too - doing things, talking - somewhat freed up and acting somewhat normal.


I never faced stigma until I got my current job. And it isn’t terrible stigma. My boss knows I’m disabled, he MUST know it is a mental illness, but I doubt he knows my diagnosis. But almost from the beginning of this job my boss has put a distance between us based on my mental illness. We NEVER talk about it but we both understand that we are separate, because he makes it that way. It took me awhile to adjust to it and stop fighting it because I wasn’t used to it from ANYBODY. I don’t even notice it anymore. The funny thing is, is that his wife is mentally ill and she works with us.Sometimes he treats her in a very condescending manner due to her illness. and I get the message loud and clear. If he treats his own wife with contempt, then how can I expect him to treat me, as stranger, any better?


i am sorry that seeing that title had such an effect on you…you have had such wonderful accomplishments,you should be feeling nothing but pride…a title does not make who you are…it is just that…a title…HANG TOUGH…

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Be so good they can’t ignore you.

  • Steve Martin

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin

Maybe he has a sore spot himself about mental illness because of his wife. So he distances himself because of that.

It’s been 3 weeks since I joined this group. So we all are labeled as schizophrenic. But we are so different. Each one is so unique. That’s how I felt. People might see us as one group of people, but each of us is still so different. So what makes us different from each other? Maurice, one illness can’t stop us from being us. You are not the illness but how to deal with it, to recover from it, to learn from it, etc… in your unique way.


thanks, that was really helpful[quote=“bananatto, post:17, topic:6878”]
Maurice, one illness can’t stop us from being us. You are not the illness but how to deal with it, to recover from it, to learn from it, etc… in your unique way.

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I think this is my favorite of all of my posts. I came across this by searching “kanji schizophrenia” on yahoo, looking for a t-shirt! Wow.

I thought about getting a hat that had sz related logo. I didn’t really want it to stand out though. Kanjis a good idea. Let me know if you find anything. Found this http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Integration_disorder . Not as simple as id like.