I can't tell what I'm feeling

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As som of you know I had another break around Christmas, I came out of it properly about a month ago thanks to some hard work, I still struggle with thought broadcasting/telepathy and as distressing as it is, I’m coping.

Now my issue is I’ve done a few things the past few months, I started acupuncture for my physical health and it’s been a wonder treatment, I’ve also been on a ketoacidotic diet, to lose weight, but it’s also supposed to be very good for people with severe mental illness. So there’s two factors. For the past month it’s felt live I feel hope for the first time in years. My last break was hell and I nearly died which is why I’m so worried about how im feeling at present,I just really want To challenge myself, I feel like I don’t want to keep protecting myself, hiding; it doesn’t help, I’ve had two serious breaks after my major one and I was hiding then. So why should I keep on hiding and saying “ooh Ahhh… I dunno I might have a break” I want to start living. I want to with reason challenge, participate more, and live, I’m having to accept, this will be my life, I’m always going to have bad times, Im not going to get “better” so why should I hide?

Now I’m thinkingof unsertaking three things later in the year (two are possibilities-one a second module at the same time as another with my degree, I just want to get it done. And the other was a short course to qualify as a reflexologist, and then maybe next year set up business- I want to specialise in mental health) and mum is worried this feeling will end and I’ll crash now I could postpone the reflexology until next May or something and volunteer a bit whilst doing my two modules, mum is worried I’m wanting to do my two modules (apart from at the beginning of my degree I haven’t wanted todo this) so I can still stay at home, it’s copletek the opposite I just want To challenge my brain and get my degree done within two years otherwise it would have taken me seven years, I don’t want to admit that.

My whole point of this very long thread (sorry) is I can’t tell if I’m just happy, I mean I feel alive and filled with hope, but it’s the best I’ve felt since before all this, I can’t even remember having a happiness episode last this long, so I’m fearful I’m either obsessive, and/or manic. I Want to bask in how good I feel (please don’t think I’m rubbing this in) but at the same time I am wary that I’m becoming euphoric.

I don’t know why I’m posting, I just wondered if anyone had any tips on how I can define whether I’m manic or not, I mean I’m not up all night or anything. But I can’t quite tell how I’m feeling, it’s confusing me no end. And likewise mum is very wary. But the acupuncture (it balances the chakras-yes I was skeptical too when I went in, but in genuinely works) and diet could be contributing to me feeling this way. And also the fact I survived that episode.

I would like any reply, I just don’t know whats going on!
I hope you’ve been coping as best as you can,
Take care,
Meg.

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@Dante13

It’s so good to hear you’re feeling alive.

As far as calling you manic… I wouldn’t yet…

When I was starting to heal and my mind was finally kicking into gear… I didn’t feel “HAPPY” because I honestly feel that’s a learned feeling… but I was more hopeful and had some energy to try and get my life going.

It was a very confusing time. I was trying to sort out what just happened to me… and was trying to figure out what to do next… my mind was all over the place with trying to find options that would move me forward.

I used to say that I was in a catch and release program… (you know when the animal get’s let out of the cage and it takes them a while to figure out where to go and what to do)

When this illness finally starting letting go a bit… that’s what it felt like… amazed to be free… shocked at what just happened to me… confused about what to do next and finally hopeful.

I’d take your Mom’s advice about slowing down a tiny bit… maybe write out what you want to do the most… and then see where everything else fits.

It was very scattered feeling for me when I could finally see myself moving forward… but I had no direction to move to.

Good luck and be patient with yourself.

I’m glad to see you back and sounding stronger and hopeful…
Congratulations.
–James

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Thanks James,

I saw my nurse for a catch up before he went on holiday, he said I could be getting like that but not to jump to conclusions, just do grounding mindfulness, physical exercise to keep up with my head, and try to slow down, but most of all it’s a good thing! Not to be too hasty and worry about what I’m experiencing! But to go with it and if I get to racey and am unable to sleep, or it escalates any further than it already has to ring them and they’ll give me techniques.

To be honest you’re describing feeling hopeful and having more energy is probably what’s happening to me, i feel like I’m more awake and more hopeful than I have been in years. I like your catch and release theory. I actually feel like I’m getting rid of some of the shackles!

I do hope it stays like this! Thanks for your reassurance, I think you’re right I’ve been ill for so long, I wouldn’t know how to feel happy but I’m feeling hopeful and with this shear determination to keep going. I can’t remember the last time I just didn’t have suicide as the escape route of the inner world of meg.

I want to get my degree done, so Im prioritising that, I’m going to do that second module and I’m going to postpone the reflexology course until next year. I’ll volunteer/or try and get employment a few days a week, so I won’t be completely isolated.

Thank you, I want to make it clear to everyone I wasn’t rubbing their noses in it. I’ve genuinely been feeling confused and a bit scared of what this may be leading to. I hope people don’t think I’m being cruel! So sorry if I came across the wrong way everyone!

Take care,
Meg.

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