I can't believe I'm Ok

I caught a bit of a cold this last weekend and the past two days have been head circus to the maximum. This morning I was hit out of the blue with a crowbar of depression and I was barely able to function today. I don’t know if I did the right thing by forcing myself to work. But I gave it a try.

No better. Nothing was working and I had a panic attack on the bus. I got off at a stop near a park I knew and just sat and began to feel worse. Everything was scary and awful and I was sliding fast.

My cross wired laugh was happening and every little thing that was bothering me became huge and crippling. I was loosing the wheels off my wagon really fast. I found a pay phone and called my friend and my sis. My friend got to me first. I melted down in his car.

He was OK with this. He wasn’t fazed. If he was, he didn’t show it. He got me home, my sis got home and called my doc, I got Ok’d for an extra helping of Seroquel and Xanax. My friend was able to talk me down.

I’m a little shaken because I was doing so well. How could I end up like this after doing so well? But I’ve been focusing on the positive in my life and reminding myself, I can get back to level. I can not give into this. There is some good in my life.

But I feel tired, but I am calm. I’m fighting some of my symptoms. I am trying to make sense. My sis has been on my side, but now I also have a friend on my side. The more people I gather on my side, the safer I feel for some reason.

One thing that helped me today was the suggestion I got from Darksith to trust my friend. Actually trust someone new. I called when I needed help and I got help. I’m still shaken and tired, and concentrating hard, but I’m Ok. I’ll sleep tonight, I’ll be stable or closer to stable in the morning.

Sorry if this seems disjointed. But for those of us trying to beat this… I learned today that I have to admit I need to help to get help. I also learned that I can trust another person.


Oh no, I’m sorry you’re not feeling up to snuff. I’m wondering if the camping trip had anything to do with it. Was the trip stressful? That along with the cold may have kick-started something. But you’re strong and I bet you’ll be feeling better real soon.

I don’t think son is doing well today either. He had a long-anticipated court date today, stemming from an incident about 1-1/2 yrs ago when he was off-the-charts psychotic. He took a walk around the neighborhood and one of the residents in our subdivision thought he looked weird and she called the police. The stupid Cobb County police searched the messenger “murse” he carries all the time with all his worldly possessions in it. They found a WWII ceremonial knife that belonged to his grandfather when he served in Germany. The knife wouldn’t cut a stick of butter. They took him to jail and charged him with a misdemeanor for carrying a concealed weapon. Bailey was so stressed about the court date, he didn’t get a wink of sleep last night, and neither did we because of it.

He received a year’s probation and 40 hrs community service. I could tell he was going down today after he got home. He left to go to Atlanta for a few days, but was back home in a couple of hours and has not come up from downstairs yet. I don’t know what happened to make him come back that quick, but I suspect he needs some help and won’t ask for it.

Well, hang in there and get some good rest. I’m “rooting for you” :wink:


good on you for being so brave and trusting your friend, good things happen to good people.
i mean by that you are a good person ( and your kid sis ) and deserve happiness and friendship.
i understand the depression it is crippling on top of everything else , but you can do this.
take care.
p.s do i get a shiny badge !?!


Im sorry to hear about your episode. I remember freaking out completely a few times, but most of those were before I was even diagnosed or on medication. Now I keep my meds in a pillbox and carry them all with me everywhere, I am paranoid about having a relapse of paranoid schizophrenia…that’s quite the catch-22, isnt it? LOL

I hope you sleep well and that you wake up to a brighter day tomorrow. Don’t let one step backwards discount all of your strides forwards!

It really sucks to have it strike in public. I had a freakout in class one time and somehow I just stared at the wall and gripped my desk really hard and managed to just stay like that for the whole class. I then did the whole screaming at myself thing at home in the bathroom. I always end up screaming in the bathroom when I have episodes, last one was in November when I skipped my morning meds to lift heavier weights. I can’t believe I’ve driven my car while having an episode. I still wonder how I managed that, i’ve done it twice. It’s a bad idea.


U are very cool! Certainly u can get back to the level. Keep fighting with yr positive attitude! I wish more sleep could help.

I’m doing better this morning. Still feeling a little like I’m in the swing… I’m OK… not really, no, I am Ok… not just yet. It’s like I’m building back up to it.

I’m just a more then a little freaked out at how this all played out. I blame the low grade fever and some others stress. But I was doing so well. I am doing so well. I’m not going to let this scare me and derail me. Yesterday just hit me between the eyes.

So now I’m left with that feeling you get after a minor car crash… it’s scary and jarring, but I am confused wondering how in the world did that happen.

Another thing that helped me out in an odd way was coming onto the site and reading others post about doing better and what they are getting done. It got me back into my head space of… OK, if I end up leaving lucid town, I can in fact reenter. I can get up and go back.

It also helped to write out what is going well for me. I had to do this through out the day. But it helped. It was also a huge help to have my friend take this all in stride. For a while I was thinking that my phone call to him was over the top and he would be headed out of my life again.

But even thought I’m not feeling that amazing, I am feeling better about being pleasantly Surprised.


I’m glad to hear you are doing better this morning. It’s ok to not be ok all the time. You made it through to the other side and will continue to do so. Now you know that you have someone else to lean on and that is really cool. I’m rooting for you :heart:

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Thank you for that. My friend and my sis have been trying to reinforce that even people with out SZ get hit between the eyes with a bad day so I shouldn’t think that this was a result of me doing something wrong or that I’m in relapse.

I just have to take it in stride and not get so worked up about it that I do throw myself in a panic attack. If that makes sense.

I’ve been looking at this as… "what did I do Wrong? What did I mess up on? If only I didn’t try something new… "

But my sis is trying to say… “it just happens to us all from time to time.”


I’m sorry you had a rough day. But it sounds like you handled it very well, by reaching out for help. And you got a surprise from your friend! Now you know you can depend on him.

Don’t let this bump in the road discourage you. Recovery isn’t all roses and sunshine and no slip-ups. There are going to be bad days. But that doesn’t mean that you’ve slid back. You’re still moving forward with strength, courage, wisdom, and positivity :slight_smile:

You will look back on yesterday and say, “That was rough. But I conquered that!”

Keep conquering, J.




It does just happen. I gave up on figuring out why I used to have breakdowns, in fact I got rather used to them and my parents know the drill. Send me outside for a smoke so I dont have nicotine withdrawal on top of psychosis, sit me down and ask me simple questions to see how far reality is, then give me a pillow to scream into. Checking if I’ve taken my meds on time is the first thing they do. I remember I had several days of 24/7 breakdown when I went off of Geodon and onto Latuda. I remember pacing around the backyard smoking, screaming at the floor, and then my mom made me lay down and scratched my back and calmed me down until I fell asleep. I drove to school and sat through class, but I couldnt make sense of what was going on and really shouldnt have gone. I had to leave the room to collect myself a few times.

I get infantile and completely messed up when I have any sort of episode. My schizophrenia is the “madman” kind, when I’m psychotic, I am irritable, paranoid, hallucinating, I have intrusive thoughts and I end up screaming and I have tons of trouble sleeping, I’m lucky to sleep at all when Im completely psychotic. Now I am prescribed xanax, so if I have another episode I can just take 2mg and hopefully fall asleep an hour later, or at least get tranquilized.

I found that psychosis comes back even worse than before when meds are not taken properly, I dont know why, maybe I will find out in grad school. It could be as simple as us medicated people being used to a lower level of symptoms, so when they come back in full force, its too much at once. I used to have episodes while unmedicated but I coped much more effectively, albeit with alcohol and tobacco. Before meds, if it was one of those days, I drank a fifth and it would put me down. Asking your doc about popping another xanax was the right thing to do.

You handled your situation very well. You deserve a cookie! :wink: I get helpless and hopeless and I really fall from quite a height when I have episodes. It takes me up to a week to get my head back on straight.
I think you did well to avoid the catastrophic attitude- I score very highly for it on some little relapse likelihood assessment I found online. When I lose my grip, I always feel like its gone forever.

I get disorganized thoughts and behavior when having episodes, which I dont have unless I am having an episode. I go from being a straight-A student and athlete to just a schizophrenic.

I might be far into recovery, but the unmedicated and psychotic me is a completely different person with different aspirations, values and priorities. I havent been psychotic since November and I really dont want to go back. I do avoid situations that make me unstable, like too many classes, for example. Last semester I had a freakout one day because I had lots of work, multiple papers and exams in one week and that was when my doc filled me a script for xanax right away. He knows how highly I function and wasnt gonna let all of my progress be for nothing. I have a really good doc who respects my word and trusts me- i’ve never been dismissed, he always listens and accordingly changes my meds to fix me up.

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That’s schizophrenia for you. Glad you’re feeling better James. Getting a good nights rest can work wonders.

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wow @SurprisedJ i am really sorry you are having symptoms after this cold, that is horrible.
i remember i had the flu and i got a lot of support from people here including yourself so you are doing the right thing talking about it.

have a rest until you get over this and try and relax, its good you are getting plenty of help.

take care

J, I’m glad you’re okay now, you got a grip on the symptoms and that’s not an easy thing…
I want to say that I’m growing to love the way you write your posts, it’s so intelligent and so literate, you have wonderful metaphors down your sleeves…and I really enjoy reading your posts, I think I’m learning from you, and mostly I think that you would make a great book writer someday…I will be among the first people who’ll buy your book.

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I really like your post. A lot of it has really hit home.

When I feel my sanity slipping away, I also feel like it’s gone forever and this is the beginning of the end. That just amps up the panic which amps up the out of control feeling which amps up the head circus.

It made me feel better when you mentioned what your family does because it does help me a lot to have some family around that takes this seriously, but still manages to stay calm, has a consistent plan and can do a lot of simple things to get me back on track.

I know it’s just the random nature of this head circus, but I still feel like I did something horribly wrong when an episode hits. I have help, but I also work on keeping myself together. So if I’m responsible for all the days that go right. I then feel completely responsible for the days that go wrong.

I have to just let go of that and take it easy and breathe and not beat myself up about it.

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May be take it lightly would help. Dont take it too hard.

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:blush: Thank you that. This site has helped me a great deal with my writing. It tries to make me stay on topic.

Doing this whole life with schizophrenia thing alone is not easy. I don’t really worry about how I function so highly yet still live in my parents house, I figure if I go the next couple of years without an episode, I should move out. But I have only been recovered for less than a year. I hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

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