Since I was a small child I felt very lonely and estranged from other kids. It wasn’t that I was disliked or didn’t fit in, I was fairly popular when I was young before all the worst of the crazy hit me. It’s just that I didn’t CONNECT with other kids. My experiences were so different from theirs, I had different thoughts, and a lot of things didn’t make sense to me that were accepted without thinking socially. I felt like someone from an outside culture looking in. I looked and acted the part of a typical child but I wasn’t one.
I guess how someone who is Asian American may feel if they go to their country in Asia, like China. They look Chinese, they speak it, and if they know the culture there well enough and don’t tell anyone they’re from America, maybe no one will even know they’re from there. But the person from America knows, and there are some things that are just DIFFERENT in American and Chinese culture, and even if they have many friends there, they may feel lonely in that they have no one to go “haha well THATS strange isn’t it” at the end of the day with. No one who shares their culture. Not only this but feel alienated in that they must (or at least feel the need to) HIDE their culture and identity in order to fit in with the culture at large and be accepted. That’s the best way I can think to describe it.
Even today I feel very, very lonely despite having a decent amount of people whom I consider to be close friends that I can rely on and confide in. Since I was 5 years old I struggled with delusional beliefs revolving around me not being human, these feelings were so strong. But I am human. I think maybe I’m just an old soul, and I’ve had so many lives I just don’t associate myself with a particular body anymore. I don’t consider myself as “human” and just see it as a suit I wear, a vessel I inhabit, because I have had so many of those vessels. It’s also part of my beliefs that as the soul nears the end of its incarnations on earth, it begins to retain more and more memories of past lives and of the nonphysical and certain aspects of existence it’s learned about. I learned recently I had a 9th grade reading level by kindergarten and I honestly don’t have a memory of learning to read, I just always knew how. And my mom said the same, that she never taught me, she read to me but never taught me or started with beginner books with me or anything, I was just reading one day. And all of elementary school was an absolute breeze, a joke, it was so unbelievably easy I never had to make a single effort to do well, except I guess in math. Information wise it was just like…I already KNEW everything. And I think it’s because I already had things retained from all my past lives. Same way if you got put in a child’s body today, elementary school would be a breeze but when you started getting to a bit more complicated stuff later on you might get a bit hazy with the fine details.
I desperately want to meet someone in my life who feels the same way as I do and has shared this experience. I feel I will not be able to marry someone who does not have this same feeling because I can’t stand the thought of being alone inwardly forever. I need someone who will look at the world with me and laugh and say “isn’t this silly, isn’t this crazy, but at least we have each other” at the end of the day.
I’ve only met 2 people in my life who I’d say were my age soul wise. One I’d even say was older than me, and I was impressed with her. The other was a guy who I wish I’d had more time to get to know.
I think some people with schizophrenia may be very young souls, brand new to incarnating, who just have no idea what the hell is going on and are trying to figure out what having a body is like and what the rules of reality here are. Actually I think those poor folks nowadays get diagnosed with all manner of disorders because they just don’t know how to fit in quite yet. I also think there are other folks with schizophrenia just like me, old souls, in the process of a difficult transition from physical back to spiritual life, and talking about it sound crazy, so get diagnosed with all manner of things as a result.
Anyways I’m doing a lot of rambling today. Sorry.
summary: I’m an old soul who’s been incarnating here since practically the dawn of human civilization, I have no friends my “age”, and I’ve been lonely, lonely, lonely my entire life because of it. I feel older souls experience a sort of transition back from physical to spiritual life and thus are sort of stuck half way between during their lifetimes and this can cause a lot of confusion and stress. It’s a hard transition to deal with. I wish I had someone to go through it with me. Or someone who was the same as me I could be friends with in my life.
