I am such a mess

My life is in absolute and total chaos. I started doing a bunch of home DIY projects when I was… not in a great place and there’s not a single room in my house that doesn’t look like a tornado hit it. It looks like a place that got robbed or ripped apart by someone looking for drugs. I was going to a replace a toilet, ripped out the old toilet, new toilet is sitting in the dining room, etc. Been like that for months and months. I have so many things to deal with in so many areas of my life and I don’t even know where to start. It’s like, what’s the biggest dumpster fire?

I still waffle about whether I need help, I’m really afraid of going on antipsychotics, and yesterday I got caught back up in my delusion for a while. I don’t know what to do. I don’t have anyone who I can ask for help, either. I’m really isolated right now and live alone and don’t have much of a support network.

Things got so bad so fast and then I spent months huddled in bed in a semi-catatonic state. My life is a mess. I’m a mess. My brain is a mess. And somehow I’m supposed to figure out how to get help to get it all sorted out. I don’t know where to start or what to do, and I’m so anxious and avoidant most of the time I get very little done. I’m better than I was in the sense that I’m not just paranoid and panicked or disassociated most of the time, and my sense of what’s real and what’s not real is stronger now. But I am still just dying inside.

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I would just pick one thing and concentrate on it until you have resolved that issue. Trying to pick the “right” place to start might not be that easy, so I would say just pick one instead of worrying about whether or not it is the best one. You can then work your way through whatever issues/projects one at a time. Anyway, that’s my advice. Good luck.

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I agree with @Bowens . The other thing I do when I have a lot of unpleasant things to do is plan for and take A LOT of breaks. Like I’ll do 20 min on, 10 min off. Or longer and longer.

Would you consider seeing a pdoc to talk about what’s going on with you? Being on APs sucks, but I’m hoping to learn to live with them (they take away a lot of good with a lot of bad), because my life is awful without them.

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Thank you. Yeah, I know that I need to see a pdoc about all of this. I’m not very functional at all at the moment, it’s been bad for quite a while.

Why are you avoiding using an AP? It could help you feel a lot better if you try them until you get the right one with the right dosage

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I’m scared of the side effects. Which, I mean, yeah, if it helps me feel better, it might be worth the trade off. And it’s a lot easier to talk to people who understand these things because they’ve been through something similar about my delusions and paranoia.

I guess that I still have a lot of shame and fear about mental health stuff and dealing with mental health professionals. I grew up in a family where mental health problems were A Big Deal. My mom, who is not a normie by any stretch of the imagination, would rage and flip out and start screaming and diagnosing any sort of behavior in any of her kids that she deemed “mentally ill,” even when it was just developmentally normal behavior like a teenage girl dyeing her hair (which, according to my mom, immediately meant that they were manic.)

So I have a lot of confusion and fear around mental health problems, because some people in my family would be genuinely struggling with their mental health and it would be ignored and they wouldn’t get any support, and then other people would be genuinely just doing normal stuff and they’d be attacked for it.

I could use a hundred years of therapy, yeah.

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Get the help and just don’t tell your family about it if possible. I’m sorry it’s hard on you. I feel ashamed of my mental illness but I don’t tell most of my family. Only my daughter, husband, and mom know

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I agree with the others. Don’t look at it all at once. Just start somewhere and concentrate on one project or one task. And worry about that. Even if you do one task a week or one task in two weeks it’s better than nothing.

I find lists help. I just write a list every night of what I need to do the next day.
I don’t have to do the whole list just three or four of the important or easy things. It could be making a couple phone calls, picking up my meds, setting up my Echo Dot, vacuuming my car. And I cross each item off the list when I do it and it’s very satisfying to cross things off. I read somewhere that you’re more likely to achieve goals if you write them down.

And once you accomplish a task reward yourself. Like a good meal or a good break listening to music.

Do you have health coverage? If you have health coverage than they would probably pay for s therapist or s psychiatrist. If you don’t have any money or you’re low income than you might qualify for Medicare or Medicaid and they would pay for a therapist or psychiatrist.
You might be eligible for food assistance too. Or check out food pantry’s or food closets in your area.

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I would start with meds. You can’t really fix your life around you until you help yourself and begin healing… Noone could… it’s a horrible disease and it’s tough enough coping wit It never mind doing 100 other things

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AP side effects can be irksome like weight gain or restlessness and what not but the meds have saved many of us from a life on the streets or whatever hell sz can throw at us.

If you have insurance I would make an appointment with a pdoc just to talk and ultimately it is your decision, as of now without a court order, to take or not take meds.

Hope you feel better soon.

-S

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