I Am Not Heartless

So after… losing my job due to a pretty awful episode I’d had… then isolating to an unhealthy degree, and recently reading up on some highly insightful stuff, I’ve come to some revelations about myself, that might, or might not, be of use to someone here, by asking the following questions in this little paragraph I wrote.

What is keeping me alive and sane? I have values. I am not entirely heartless. Why is it that those who go out of their way to harm usually do not suffer from any grievous mental condition that could’ve caused such cruel behavior? They are the truly heartless ones… yet, they function normally other than being wicked-hearted. I feel completely destroyed, yet it is clear I still have somewhat of a heart left. Why do I feel so irreparably shattered while these other people thrive and bask in their sadism? Does the answer lie in meaning? These people have no values, morals, or sense of meaning in their lives; that is why they harm, and have no problem doing it. It doesn’t take the level of suffering I’ve endured to arrive to the conclusion that everything is pointless. I have suffered innumerable, inexplicable horrors, yet… where meaning flees from these people, resilience and a certain set of fractured ideals rise to keep me just above the surface of the torrential sea that would, without these qualities, sweep me away into the most unfathomable spiral of madness. I would be that man you hear about on the news one night, who suddenly went out and brutally slaughtered a ton of people, then ripped his own face off and ate it, death remaining uncertain.

I guess what I’m getting at is… so long as one maintains some form of meaning in their life, whether that be family, friends, lovers, religion, etc., it is possible to endure, and… even overcome certain tribulations. I find it strange that I’m still alive but I am. It was trauma that made me schizophrenic, and since my particular form of psychosis is especially heinous in nature, I feel I’ve suffered even more trauma from the psychosis itself. I shouldn’t be alive, but this along with the fact that I am still sane and capable of analytical thinking, might be suggestive that my work here isn’t done, and is a testament to the power that meaning and purpose can have, in whatever form they hold for you.

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No sense, no feeling.
They’ve got to have someone to blame because they do no wrong…in their mind of course.

You speak the truth.And you speak the facts. As schizophrenics we feel people should change and be nicer.
The sad truth is that people will not change and they will keep doing what their doing because it works for them And if that means being mean and heartless and cruel than they will keep doing it because that’s what they learned and its ingrained into them. Back in elementary, sitting around wishing the bully would change and be nicer was not a good strategy.

It did not make him leave you alone. And these bullied people grew up finding away so that no one would ever do that to them again. The bitter ones grew up and got power and then turned around and took it out on the stranger on the “other guy”, whether he tailgated and intimidated other drivers. Or he started bar fights.

Anyways, I digress. But most people will not change. I try not to have a defeatist attitude about life as a schizophrenic and I don’t want to feel like a victim but just walk down the main downtown areas of lots of cities(including mine) and you will see where the lines on the homeless persons came from and why they have crazy eyes. It’s because they bear the brunt of human nature which is summed up by the old saying “Sh^t runs downhill”. The people at the perceived bottom in life take the disproportionate amount of abuse from other people.

I run into great people every day. Friendly, nice, considerate, willing to chat. Good people. But when I walk down my street or get in traffic the bad side of people comes out and I get distracted and confused and I’m “fully aware that I am not aware” that there is lots of stuff going on around me but I don’t know what it is and that is not nice or fair. A lot of good stuff happened throughout my day today. And also absolutely shi**y stuff and as I write this my fellow tenants are busy making sure that I end up at the bottom of this hell hole where I live. I had a good dinner, a nice walk, I chatted with people and smiled. I took care of some pressing business today. Que sara, sara. when I’m crushed and broken down I will still have great memories. But until that day comes, I will keep doing and enjoy some of my the current pleasures and not focus on the negative.

Your post is very poetic and moving and great writing, and heartfelt by the way. It’s unfortunate that circumstances make it so that it is a sad, true, negative aspect of life but I can relate to it. I’m signing of now but like Tiny Tim said, “God bless us one and all.”

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