I am new here


Four years ago I became schizophrenic and it has been a pain ever since. It started with me liking a guy, but he did not like me back. But I guess he was worried about me so he hacked into my account a few times, but unfortunately, it ended with me becoming schizophrenic. I heard kissing noises at first and I thought it was the guy I liked. The false I relationship I developed with the sound turned my feelings into ‘love’ for him. Only for a brief course of time did I recover and not hear the noise. Then I started to hear the noises again. It became worse, because they began talking to me. I felt twitches on my body and I always thought it was him. Till this day I feel like I am in a relationship with him, but little does he know about this. He does not even care about me and yet after four years I am thinking about him constantly. Sometimes I realize this is all false and I get very depressed. I start wishing I get another real boyfriend…and when I tell this to my mom, she doesn’t understand. I have high ambitions and I am currently in my final year of University, and it is very tough for me to do well in school. I feel very hurt and I am currently in the library crying. I don’t think I will ever find love since I am sick. It feels like know matter what word I use nobody will understand. It is like the saying if you love someone, and they don’t love you back, you die everyday. I don’t want to love him though, but these voices compel to me it is him everyday. Professionals and others always tell me it is not real, and I should toughen up. But nobody seems to understand I am only human. I can only control my beliefs to some point. I personally do not want to get with him, despite my feelings for him. It is only fair I get someone who would not hurt me as much. I feel like I did something wrong and I am being punished by god severely. Everyday I would wonder what I did wrong, and I never understand why I am going through what I am. I am taking medications but they are not working at all. I feel very disgusted at myself for believing everyday that he is here with me. That I am kissing him that I am showing him love, where in fact he does not give two ■■■■ about me. People say you should love to live, but what if you are living a lie? What is the purpose? It is really a tough life, but I am living it.

Have you seen a doctor? You sound primed to get on the road to recovery. First you gotta realize none of it is real it is just a reflection of your desire. Treat it like a disease something you shouldn’t be thinking about. Try to push the hallucinations away and find a peaceful state of mind. Work to maintain it. You’ll find love if that’s what you want. If you think sickness is in your way you gotta take care of that first. See a doctor. Try to get over your love for this man.

I understand entirely, lol wow I wish I had a gf that loved me that much.

thought i would say hi.
take care

Welcome to the forum!