Hi
Four years ago I became schizophrenic and it has been a pain ever since. It started with me liking a guy, but he did not like me back. But I guess he was worried about me so he hacked into my account a few times, but unfortunately, it ended with me becoming schizophrenic. I heard kissing noises at first and I thought it was the guy I liked. The false I relationship I developed with the sound turned my feelings into ‘love’ for him. Only for a brief course of time did I recover and not hear the noise. Then I started to hear the noises again. It became worse, because they began talking to me. I felt twitches on my body and I always thought it was him. Till this day I feel like I am in a relationship with him, but little does he know about this. He does not even care about me and yet after four years I am thinking about him constantly. Sometimes I realize this is all false and I get very depressed. I start wishing I get another real boyfriend…and when I tell this to my mom, she doesn’t understand. I have high ambitions and I am currently in my final year of University, and it is very tough for me to do well in school. I feel very hurt and I am currently in the library crying. I don’t think I will ever find love since I am sick. It feels like know matter what word I use nobody will understand. It is like the saying if you love someone, and they don’t love you back, you die everyday. I don’t want to love him though, but these voices compel to me it is him everyday. Professionals and others always tell me it is not real, and I should toughen up. But nobody seems to understand I am only human. I can only control my beliefs to some point. I personally do not want to get with him, despite my feelings for him. It is only fair I get someone who would not hurt me as much. I feel like I did something wrong and I am being punished by god severely. Everyday I would wonder what I did wrong, and I never understand why I am going through what I am. I am taking medications but they are not working at all. I feel very disgusted at myself for believing everyday that he is here with me. That I am kissing him that I am showing him love, where in fact he does not give two ■■■■ about me. People say you should love to live, but what if you are living a lie? What is the purpose? It is really a tough life, but I am living it.