I am finding myself in the caregiver position

I really wish there was a family topic to chose from.

I’m finding myself on the caregiver side of my husband who is going through what seems like a crisis. I am extremely worried and am making myself a plan on what to do if things escalate anymore.

Its escalated over the last 10 months. He told me yesterday that he is a narcissist and that i should be careful around him, he may become “violent.” I questioned what that meant, he wasn’t able to vocalize what he meant. Today he admitted that he is hearing internal voices, mainly his mother’s voice. I believe he is deeply depressed and anxious. He is on Viibryd, but stopped taking it 2 weeks ago. He is now on it again for 3 days and things have dramatically gotten worse.

I spent a lot of time telling him DBT coping skills, and also just listening to him. He is also drinking very heavily, which he finally admitted is not helping him but he knows no other way to calm down or stop the voices.

I guess i just need advice, what helped you?

IDK how to help other than just listening and watching for… what is next. I think I’m going to pull an all-nighter and catch him in the morning. He is planning an early morning to get to work. I am scared that an accident may happen due to his distractions. Perhaps while driving or in the woods. In my opinion he needs to call his therapist and pdoc straight away. I just don’t know.

I hope he gets help

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That’s a must do

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Medical help. Alcohol can mask and make symptoms far worse than otherwise. Needs some medical help. Depression and stress can do strange things to people! Get him to help is a must!

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Can you escalate your caregiving and contact his pdoc or therapist for him?
I am schizophrenic with PTSD and anxiety, and my husband has autism, gambling addiction and has put us through hell at the worst times. We are both ex junkies who managed to get clean. My level of worry is exhausting me and I feel like I can’t handle another betrayal. The thing that sucks is that it’s out of their control what awful things they do or say…I would get help ASAP. You may think you can handle it all but you probably shouldn’t try. I know how it feels though to be the one who is very sick, still having to take care of it all You need some help.

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It seems like the caregiver role always falls to the woman. Some of them say it’s like working two jobs, because when women get off work they have to then take care of someone who is incapacitated. Living with an addict can be its own special brand of hell. I know that because I have experience in NA and AA. In alanon they talk about “detachment with love”. You have to understand that you have only limited control over the situation. Maybe you could do a trial separation for a few weeks or months. Maybe your husband will appreciate you more.

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Thank you for your kind words @dbzmatt.

I did manage to fall asleep last night. And as predicted he got up before i did. I sort of did a sobriety check while he was getting dressed. I am an RN and have some experience with alcohol protocol, but I know I don’t really know. Maybe i’m tricking myself into thinking he is ok to drive and work?

He made a compelling case to go to work this morning. I have a dr’s appointment this afternoon. I got a verbal “contract” agreement from him to stay safe and be home in time to get to the appointment. I feel OK, but not good about this agreement. Maybe I’m making too much out of this, I do tend to go to extremes in my thinking and projecting my own issues onto others.

I feel funny/weird/uncomfortable contacting his therapist and pdoc @anon92220549 . But he’d do it for me, and has in the past, if the circumstances were reversed.

@amity That is awesome you are clean. Yes, this past 10 months he has said some awful things to me. I’m trying to understand that, hopefully, it is the addiction and MI talking.

@crimby its funny. He took care of me the last 4-5 years, I feel like its my… not duty, but more obligation to return the favor. I was looking up an AA for us to go to together tonight. Then to alanon because I don’t know what to do.

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Ok. Did it, I just called his therapist and left a detailed message. Boy, my voice was shaky talking to the voicemail.

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well, okay.

But he should have made the call.

He might get angry at you.

You’re not a mother here.

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I feel ok that I called.

We’ve gone to some couples counseling with his therapist a few months ago. So its not like I’m completely out of line. Right? The guy is sort of my therapist now too.

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I just decided to call my own counselor in a few minutes when they open. Maybe I can get some help from her. If not advice about him, help for myself in getting through this.

I need to breathe and calm down a bit. That phone call really jolted my nerves.

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You also might want to look into an alanon meeting near you. I believe that’s the one for family members and loved ones of alcoholics. It might be a good place to get support.

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I hope you’re able to get him to see his therapist and pdoc. Sounds like he really needs help. And he really needs to stop drinking. Whatever else is going on, the drinking will only make it worse. Hope the AA or Al Anon can help you. Hang in there @Skims.

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I’m sorry @Skims.
Hang in there.

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skims, in regard to what you said to crimby, i completely understand the feeling of obligation. my husband took care of me for many years and when the time came, where i had to do everything, i felt totally obligated. we do these things, telling ourselves we’re obligated, but really its a 2 way street in my case.

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Thank you @Wave, @disciple, @ninjastar and @amity. That really strikes a cord, obligation vs, or in addition to, a 2 way street in marriage. Reciprocity. hmm i need to think about these things…

He came with me to my afternoon appointment. Long talks. He basically ended up making me stupid and overdramatic with how i reacted to his statements and his demeanor. Now I’m second guessing the whole past few days, maybe I’m skewed and didn’t interpret events correctly. But on the other hand I’m not sorry that i called our counselors to tell them. The more people to help, the better in my mind. We are pretty isolated, our support system is very small and distant.

He didn’t drink last night, and I think he was not feeling so good and really wanted to. He left for work before i woke up today, so I’m not sure how he is today. We did talk on the phone and he seemed ok. I just don’t know.

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Didnt u just get married skims not to long ago.

Sorry just curious

Yes, we got married in August. Its been rocky since. The good days together are really good, but the bad days are super bad. It wasn’t like this before marriage. I don’t know what changed, except his drinking and being on and off AD’s. I think I’ve been stable this past year despite health problems.

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