Schizophrenia.com

I am fighting hard to not overdose right now

I know I’m disappointing you. And I’m sorry.

Please don’t tell me to go to the hospital. We don’t have health insurance, and going would bring such a financial burden onto us that my husband might despair.

Please don’t tell me to call my psychiatrist. I have an appointment with him in 17 hours.

Please don’t tell me to call my counselor. I have an appointment with him on Friday.

Please don’t tell me it will get better. I’ve been hearing that for five years. And though my view of the Lord has become more accurate, my compassion for other people has increased, and each moment with my kids is an undeserved blessing that I am overwhelmingly grateful for, a lot has not gotten better, it has gotten worse. Much worse.

Please don’t tell me I am loved. I know I am. I have more support than many people. You all are so kind to me here, and I have not earned your sweetness. Still, the cares of my heart are many, and I am overcome.

I love deeply. Often, though I am struggling, I can still interact on this forum. However, in recent days, the cognitive impairment I experience has limited me in responding. I just can’t formulate the words. (Of course, I have moments of brevity and I try and take advantage and post or PM folks.) Yet, I have continued to read your posts. I ache with you. I grieve with you. I worry for you. I pray for you.

I’m not asking for you to respond. But if you feel led to, please offer words of life. Please avoid cliches, and please avoid guilt. I feel bad enough.

Please know this is not a fleeting moment for me. This is a logical, reasoned choice. I really am in a hard place. For example,

  1. We are in debt. I can not work, though I want to. I was denied disability, and I am too incompetent to appeal.
  2. We cannot afford health insurance. My husband makes too much to receive Medicare or for my children to go on chip. I’m terrified that I have two toddlers without health insurance.
  3. I spend too much time on the couch. My kids need more from me. My husband needs more from me. My family and friends need more from me.
  4. My husband and my parents have tension in their relationship, straining my relationships with each of them and causing my children distress. They miss their grandparents.
  5. My husband canceled our upcoming (we were supposed to leave on Saturday) nine day vacation at my parents’ beach house. I needed that time away. My kids needed that time away. It was free. We will now spend nine days alone in our two bedroom apartment. My kids are missing Summer. I wanted to at least give them that week. I wanted them to feel fresh air and play and be outside. I wanted them to exercise. I wanted to love on them. My husband wants to make it up to us by doing day trips, but we can not afford that and the increased debt will only cause more problems.
  6. I was too unstable for intensive outpatient treatment and had to stop. My ocd remains severe without progress or recovery.
  7. My psychiatrist will want to add medication. We can not afford it, and we can not afford the health insurance to pay for it.
  8. I have a volunteer gig lined up for Fridays from 9:30-5:00. I often do not go, or I leave early because of dissociating, cognitive impairment, anxiety, and lack of reason, logic, and rational thinking.
  9. Basic life skills are hard for me lately. Cooking anything, including frozen meals, is often too difficult as I can not follow the directions.
  10. I feel constant guilt. I feel guilt as a wife and Mama. I feel guilt as a daughter, sister, aunt, niece, and cousin. I feel guilt as a friend, patient, and counselee. And I feel guilt that I am not supporting you all as you do me. I am not reciprocating your kindness. It is better to give than to receive. I want to give you love. And I do through prayer. But I want to express love through support and words for you. I fall short.

So, if you want to tell me not to overdose, please offer any solutions or suggestions to the problems on that list. There are more, but that is a glimpse.

If not, please let me go peacefully. Please do not blame me. Please do know how hard I tried. Please know I truly believe it is better for my kids if I was not in their lives. Though I know no one could ever love them as much as I do, except the Lord, and I feel beyond thankful for the privilege to spend even a minute with them much more raise them, I do not want to cause them long-term damage by my failure.

What you’re doing is a coward’s way out. Think about that @LouiseG

I can’t tell you what to do. Your life is more valuable than any amount of money. Please get help and cross the financial bridge when you get to it.

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Or you can go to sleep now i dont think its a good moment to take a bad decision now

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Can I ask why your husband cancelled the vacation? I think you need to be honest with him or semi honest and let him know you need this vacation.

@LouiseG ■■■■, i dont have the solution. Please do not do this. A wise engineer once told me, i dont know how to build this bridge, but ill figure it out as i go. So goes with life. The solution will not come to you tonight. It may never but god damnit you have so much to offer this world!! Do not do this @LouiseG, you’re too good for the world to lose. Im sorry i cannot help. I wish i could have better words to help you figure this out.

If you cannot go to emergency, which you should, please talk to your husband or a loving family member.

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I understand how much you want to overdose, i’ve Actually been there. No I don’t have a wife or husband or even kids that depend on me. But I will tell you what I do have, I have a mother who each day works or ass off for myself and my grandma. I’m young so i’m The strong tale dependent in the house. I’m in debt up the ass! Not just medical bills but credit as well! I became the biggest failure to my family

  1. I’m gay (also catholic Italian/Hispanic)
  2. I’m schizophrenic with hardly much control
  3. I have never accomplished anything in life so I say

I feel like my family is better off without me because I only bring them failure. So yeah i’m Just like you!

BUT i’m Here to tell you that you and I are wrong. The pain and hurt you would put your husband, kids, parents, aunt, cousin etc… is MUCH greater than that sh!t we call failure.
Your existence is much greater to your kids than you think. You bring them love and joy with just your presence. You don’t understand how many time I want to put the needle filled with heroin in my arm and just end it. But I was being a coward for ending it the easy way! Which to be honest I did TWICE and for some reason I was brought back to life. I saw the pain my family went through 2 times from my overdose. I also saw the pain they went through went my brother committed suicide. I just could not do that to them.

I also remember the pain I go through everyday misssing my brother! Don’t think about yourself for minute think about those that care about you!

PM if you wanna talk more! I’m here because i’m Going through the same sh!T as you.

You can defeat this obstacle just like I did!

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I dont know what to say @LouiseG . Life is a constant battle every day. I want so bad for you to win that battle but I dont know how to help you. Youve always been so kind and caring, so guilt should be the last thing youre feeling, I dont know you but I bet my bottom dollar that you are a wonderful mother, wife aunt and friend.

As far as finances go, debt is a prison and youre living in it. Its terrible but being in prison is better than being dead. You just have to live your life and embrace what you cant control. Easier said than done but I know you can do it. You have to. Your kids do need you even if youre not 100%, its better than no percent.

I really do hope you get through this @LouiseG. I dont know what advice I could give you, Im just another struggling sz trying to eke my way through life too. But we have to do it. We cant let death win.

I care about you. You will be in my prayers. And please, if you can tell your husband whats going on, maybe he can help. You need and deserve a vacation

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I too have tried to kill myself and when I saw how much pain I caused my family that destroyed me! I would rather be in pain then cause them that pain! They would NEVER get over it. Both of my parents would end up in the psych ward if something happened to me. I would never forgive myself for that. Aside from the sadness to your children think about what possibly it could do to their mental state for the rest of their lives! I agree about the cliches everyone says and I get that it’s the same old same old! Your kids have to come first! You also need to be more kind to yourself, but you need to push yourself past your comfort zone. I really do feel you need to get away and take that vacay even if it’s without your husband. Tell him how much you need it, even if it does mean being brutally honest!
As far as medications go, tell your pdoc all of this and see if he can give you free samples. They get lots of samples from drug reps. He probably won’t mind and you can see which one gets you to where you need to be. There’s a possibility that one could change your life and heck you may even be able to work enough hours a week to just cover the cost of meds if he doesn’t give you them free forever. I don’t know if you have a caseworker but either they or your counselor (once you’ve met with them and your completely honest about all of this) they can help you or do the majority of the work for disability! They can be your biggest allies! You sound pretty cognizant right now, which is a plus!

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Where are you Louise? I’m worried!

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@Pinkbarbie23 i’m Starting to get worried as well, I hope she’s okay.

Hey please stay alive. People need you.

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If you are feeling suicidal, please tell someone — a friend or family member, a teacher, a doctor or therapist or call 911 (if you’re in the U.S.) or the Emergency Medical Services phone number in your country.

You can also call a suicide prevention hotline—these are available in the U.S. and in many other countries.

International suicide hotlines:

http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

http://www.suicidestop.com/suicide_prevention_chat_online.html

Suicide hotlines in the U.S.:

https://afsp.org/find-support/

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org

More resources:

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Dear @LouiseG,

As a young adult, I sought help from a Christian group and the12 Step Fellowships. These two different forms of healing have followed me for the last 45 plus years. Curiously, sometimes when I present them with a specific problem, they give opposite advice.

You’re a valuable person, too.

Jayster

@LouiseG. I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad. Since you will see your pdoc in 17 hours, can you go to bed and try to rest or try to distract yourself somehow until your appointment?

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@LouiseG. I’m going to un-list this thread so it is not visible from the main forum.

This is because topics involving suicide can be upsetting or triggering to some forum members.

However, you and any other members who have already responded in this thread can still access this thread and continue posting on this thread.