I know I’m disappointing you. And I’m sorry.
Please don’t tell me to go to the hospital. We don’t have health insurance, and going would bring such a financial burden onto us that my husband might despair.
Please don’t tell me to call my psychiatrist. I have an appointment with him in 17 hours.
Please don’t tell me to call my counselor. I have an appointment with him on Friday.
Please don’t tell me it will get better. I’ve been hearing that for five years. And though my view of the Lord has become more accurate, my compassion for other people has increased, and each moment with my kids is an undeserved blessing that I am overwhelmingly grateful for, a lot has not gotten better, it has gotten worse. Much worse.
Please don’t tell me I am loved. I know I am. I have more support than many people. You all are so kind to me here, and I have not earned your sweetness. Still, the cares of my heart are many, and I am overcome.
I love deeply. Often, though I am struggling, I can still interact on this forum. However, in recent days, the cognitive impairment I experience has limited me in responding. I just can’t formulate the words. (Of course, I have moments of brevity and I try and take advantage and post or PM folks.) Yet, I have continued to read your posts. I ache with you. I grieve with you. I worry for you. I pray for you.
I’m not asking for you to respond. But if you feel led to, please offer words of life. Please avoid cliches, and please avoid guilt. I feel bad enough.
Please know this is not a fleeting moment for me. This is a logical, reasoned choice. I really am in a hard place. For example,
- We are in debt. I can not work, though I want to. I was denied disability, and I am too incompetent to appeal.
- We cannot afford health insurance. My husband makes too much to receive Medicare or for my children to go on chip. I’m terrified that I have two toddlers without health insurance.
- I spend too much time on the couch. My kids need more from me. My husband needs more from me. My family and friends need more from me.
- My husband and my parents have tension in their relationship, straining my relationships with each of them and causing my children distress. They miss their grandparents.
- My husband canceled our upcoming (we were supposed to leave on Saturday) nine day vacation at my parents’ beach house. I needed that time away. My kids needed that time away. It was free. We will now spend nine days alone in our two bedroom apartment. My kids are missing Summer. I wanted to at least give them that week. I wanted them to feel fresh air and play and be outside. I wanted them to exercise. I wanted to love on them. My husband wants to make it up to us by doing day trips, but we can not afford that and the increased debt will only cause more problems.
- I was too unstable for intensive outpatient treatment and had to stop. My ocd remains severe without progress or recovery.
- My psychiatrist will want to add medication. We can not afford it, and we can not afford the health insurance to pay for it.
- I have a volunteer gig lined up for Fridays from 9:30-5:00. I often do not go, or I leave early because of dissociating, cognitive impairment, anxiety, and lack of reason, logic, and rational thinking.
- Basic life skills are hard for me lately. Cooking anything, including frozen meals, is often too difficult as I can not follow the directions.
- I feel constant guilt. I feel guilt as a wife and Mama. I feel guilt as a daughter, sister, aunt, niece, and cousin. I feel guilt as a friend, patient, and counselee. And I feel guilt that I am not supporting you all as you do me. I am not reciprocating your kindness. It is better to give than to receive. I want to give you love. And I do through prayer. But I want to express love through support and words for you. I fall short.
So, if you want to tell me not to overdose, please offer any solutions or suggestions to the problems on that list. There are more, but that is a glimpse.
If not, please let me go peacefully. Please do not blame me. Please do know how hard I tried. Please know I truly believe it is better for my kids if I was not in their lives. Though I know no one could ever love them as much as I do, except the Lord, and I feel beyond thankful for the privilege to spend even a minute with them much more raise them, I do not want to cause them long-term damage by my failure.