Things change over night my friend, in a heartbeat.
Suicide is terrible option. A badly thought out one. No cancer patient wants to die, they always see what they leaving behind, suicide blinds us hard in that regard. If you cant do anything currently that makes u feel better, start dreaming. Dreams keep us going. Everyone has a dream.
A few years back, by societies rules, everything i did, i failed at. Lost all my money countless times and was back living with my parents so many times i gave up. Never had any romantic relationships as i had major delusionsns surrounding it. Couldnt get out of bed from the depression and negatives, had times when i slept the whole day, had no money for medication, and had days when was close to suicide. In otherwords life sucked ass.
As it stands by societies standards, got a beautiful girlfriend now who i love more than anything, the businesses i do are very well off, got plans to change the world that im putting into action. Manage to work 13 hours a day and going to make sure that they all happen.
I for myself figured out that my downfall was the depression well over the sz. Sz for myself is very managable if i manage the depression. When i feel im going down into a bad spiral, then i make sure the depression doesnt hit me hard as sz will clean me out if it does. Just my personal journey.
I understand negatives, but theres a fine line between it and depression. I personally do not care about the rules they make that classify it into brackets as i think everything overlaps, and there way too many variables. MI is in such an infantry stage and sooner or later, you will find what works for you. Maybe just maybe there is some depression, and its worth a shot to try to work on it.
Anyways good luck.