Schizophrenia.com

I am a scary monster, LOL

my psychologist asked me to share the darkness that lurks in my mind, the darkness which swirls around every atom of my beingness, the darkness which decays everything it touches…
i could see her physically push further back into her chair, her face went from an interested smile to that fearfull scared look…
this always happens to me, my first shrink was fearfull of me ( he was a bloke )…now i have this woman…
i talked about the fact i could kill without remorse…
i reassured her in my whole life i have not hurt anyone…it didn’t reassure her…
she doesn’t know what to do with me.
she is scared that she will trigger me in some way and i will turn into a monster…
i said " i was made this way by my parents and society, they created me…"
take care

It is of the nature of human to kill

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your suffering with sz might be the way you show your remorse.

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So dramatic. Are proud of this? You sound like you’re out for attention.

There are tons of killers, it’s nothing special, prison is full of them.

Nice evasion of personal responsibility there too.

this is a safe place where we/sz post our feelings, we are annonymous on here so have freedom of self expression.
no one is glorifying anything it is called having a vocabulary and self expression, i learnt it in my dunce english class…
i was merely expressing my dismay in my psychologists reaction to an answer i gave her…
if you have read any of my posts i actually take full responsibility for my illness and work hard to remain as sane as possible…
i was merely eluding to the fact that had my parents not been so evil and society had actually been accepting and given me a helping hand when i sought it, twenty years ago, i would not be in the predicament i am in now…
thank you for your input.
take care

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I thought ppl were afraid of me when I was psychotic. Both at work and my psychologist.

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For some reason my kid sis and my Mom have the knack for scaring the poo out of someone.

My kid sis will put her hands on her hips, smile sweetly, get close and talk low and all of a sudden, the person looks like they are trying to escape with their life. Then they usually run when they leave.

My Mom is a high school math teacher and can scare whole rooms of people with one eyebrow raise.

I can’t scare anyone no matter what I do. I’ve tried. I have divulged the darkest part of my head. I have spewed fourth the deeps of my illness. People look at me and sadly shake their head. When I was trying to scare people in hospital, people just shook their head and said, “This poor guy is so sick.”

I was watching Youtube and I admit, I sort of felt like “Stewie” on Family Guy.

“Curse you woman, I am hatching a plan to destroy all mankind…”
“Poor little guy must be hungry”

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The therapist I am now seeing seems pretty tough - tougher than I thought. When I cam in wearing a short sleeve shirt, my tattoos were exposed, she did not judge, many therapists judge. It seemed that she was interested in them and she liked the fact that they all have meaning to me. She is also starting to understand that my psychosis can get pretty bad - yet she doesn’t retreat. I thought of her as being a bit delicate in the beginning, guess I was wrong

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You are not a scary monster. You are a kind, sweet, and gentle person. Sorry things didn’t go so well with you with your psychologist. They’re supposed to be trained in how to handle these types of things. Also sorry that your parents and society have been so cruel to you. I wish there was some way to fix that. Hopefully your psychologist will come around, once she gets to know you better.

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i know what you are saying but no-one has ever asked me that,

tbh i am usually the victim in all my mental problems and i am never thinking about doing any harm,

i think the worst thing i could say was i think about killing people because in truth i was the one who use to think would be at the end of that, i would be the victim.

idk what would happen if i said to someone ‘i think about killing someone but i have never harmed anyone before’ i am sure they would definitely be scared especially if they knew you had a mental illness,

no if that was something i was thinking ‘i would keep it to myself’’ (no offence)

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When I was first hospitalized I thought it was to protect people from me because I was scaring them. When I told my parents this they told me it was the exact opposite. I’m with surprised on this one, I spent years trying to scare people and didn’t succeed, it was a lot of wasted time and effort.

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thanks for everyones’ responses and kindness, i know i am a kind person , i save moths and butterfies from the dog’s water bowl, but i am also very honest, if asked a question i answer it, i guess i am a bit like ’ rain man ’ that way.
i am on here so that i can say what is in my head, and it is nice to finally feel i fit some where, and that my sz language is understood, thanks for understanding.
take care

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Hi @darksith what you said made me think of something but idk if it applies here

Have you heard of blind obedience where you follow certain rules despite the consequences just because someone in authority told you to do it?

Well I was thinking more about ‘blind honesty’ idk if you know what I mean but basically it’s when you tell someone in authority the truth no matter how bad it is without thinking about the consequences,

I think something like that could get you into a lot of trouble if you are not careful, blind honesty could get you into a lot of trouble x

I’m not having a go I just wanted to point that out (maybe I am a bit blind honest myself lol) seriously tho I thought this was appropriate to say and I guess that’s what it comes down to really ‘what’s appropriate’

Take care

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i am ’ blind honest '.
you are right, i remember when i was 7 a teacher told me to ’ pull my socks up ’ ( meaning to get my shit together ).
i looked at my socks and said in innocence " but they are up, sir ! "
i got the cane for that…
my sister in law asked me what she thought she looked like in the clothes she was wearing, innocently i said " you look chunky ! " wow that was a bad mistake ! she has forgiven me.
but you are right it is probably not good to say everything you are thinking in your head.
take care

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My brother is brutally honest when he answers quickly, and many times I find it humorous.

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I have the same feelings as you, I even said it everyday for years, when I get angry at people I say I want to kill them, chop them into pieces…etc . I know I won’t do it, it’s just me getting angry, I taught my self to never feel remorse, because I had problems dealing with it for a long time…and maybe that’s why I feel that if I killed someone it won’t bother me, because if I ever did this decision then it should be the right one, no remorse, but I never took that decision, no one I knew did deserve to be killed until now lol, I might do it just to defend my self for example…I think you’re just like me, you should explain to her that…I think she’s confused by the idea that you would kill without remorse but she doesn’t know why wouldn’t you feel anything, maybe she should know that if you did something then it’s very much thought of carefully, and not made by some lash of anger moment but with wisdom.
I thought you were married !

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You could be a good monster like Maurice in the movie Little Monsters that came out in 1989.

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