Beautiful words. So sorry to hear you are sad and lost your best friend. Hang in there
I push everyone away. I do it on purpose too.
Why doesn’t you think you do that?
For a million reasons. I get paranoid. But for the most part I tell myself I can live without them so I drop all contact.
Part of it is also a bad childhood. I can’t make connections to people easily. And when I get paranoid I freak out and cut them out.
I want to make normal healthy human relations and it’s really hard
I understand. It can be tough. I felt lack of connection and paranoia about people. Some I cut contact with depending on the severity of paranoia. I too had a rough childhood. Some friends I stayed in contact with but had paranoid thoughts about them. I I have learned since how to feel more connected to people and realized some friends I had paranoia about I shouldn’t have because they really are good friends. Maybe talking to a counselor about your struggles would help you.
I even feel lack of connection to my family 
I was taken away when i was young and it’s just been really hard to keep connections since. I don’t want to keep cutting people out. I’ve cut basically everyone out. I even moved away so that I could cut everyone out. I need to do something about it.
For me the drifting away from people was like a force of gravity I couldn’t say no to
That’s exactly what it’s like. It’s like I don’t have control over it. And I just snap and cut people out.
I can’t stop and I’m just pushing more and more people away
I don’t really know what to tell you… I couldn’t do anything about it for the longest time… I’m now hoping it’s getting better but I’m not sure
It’s not an easy one. Broken bits don’t always fit back together
Yea that might be true but I always believe things will get better
I hope things get better too
I feel like u we are in the right direction
I’m getting there.
Best of luck…!
Take care
@Misha_belle, I used to do this too when I was paranoid. I don’t do it anymore. Now, my paranoid friends do this to me.