Greetings. I am a crazy middle aged man that was never formally diagnosed but suffer from severe and exact symptoms since winter 2015 at least. I expect the reader to need not any reminders or explanations to what they are, since I publish this text on a dedicated forum. Instead, I would like to use this unexpected moment of clarity to maybe give some hints on early warning signs. Then I will share my delusions and ask for advice.
Oddities as a kid
I had odd habits and behaviours as a kid. I believe if adults knew what they are dealing with, my “tragedy” could have been avoided. I once read an article where the writer lamented the lack of documentation on early signs of potential schizophrenia issues, hence this writing.
I made up new gibberish words or assigned different meaning to real words.
I made up stories rougly based on something that I heard or observed previously and basically lie as if they really happened. Obviously parents figured me out but never said anythinig until I grew up. I believe if they confronted me about these stories it would have improved my development. More notably, I would do similar in public gaverings or aquantances.
I secluded myself and talked to myself gibberish uncontrollably, based on invented terms mentioned previously. Parents knew this and lovingly mocked me about it, but didn’t seem concerned.
I had subconscious terror before rape. Not being victim of rape myself, but having any female raped. Notably, I did not even know the word or had any knowledge that this was possible or happened at the time. Just having a cartoon female character restrained was enough to have me feel very uneasy. I never talked about this with anyone.
About a year before I started to hear voices, when I was a young man already, I started to tear my hair and eyebrows with bare hands and later yet shaved my skull. Recently I talked with an old woman who admitted to have schizophrenia too. Notably, she told me a story about how she as a kid shaved her head smooth. Apparently, just to feel the skin with her hand.
I did not have an imaginary friend, but my mother did, and she went insane too, around summer 2015. I did fantasise or wish or dream for a special female friend however. Of course I never thought it was unusual for a male, but it turned out to be a problem when I became an adult.
Note, most numbered issues continued until around 2008, when I was around 15 years old, and were on the decline. I started to hear voices when I was around 20 years old in 2015.
Delusions of grandure
Oddly, my mother and uncle went insane with very similar symptomes to mine a few monts prior to me. I went insane myself overnight after talking to them and one another person. Not sure about my uncle, but all four of us suffer from “voices”. It all started with voices and later “memories from past life”. The content of this particular “memory” was cripplingly traumatic. I cried for at least ten minutes. Over the following three years more “memories” appeared, mostly grandiouse and pleasant, but many painful too. I had background in Hindu religions, gaudiya-vaishnava in particular. I apostated from christianity at around 2010. Delusions reflected that. I skip on even further details unless they are needed for some reason.
Glimpse of clarity
In 2016 schizophrenia completely and irreversibly ruined my studies, career and budding relationship with a girlfriend. I heard voices every fifteen minutes for around six years, peppered with delusions, false notions etc. I did try to work on personal software projects and even managed to relase some tiny software components that had 3-10 users. It is nothing like I did when I was sane and studying and working normally. Miraculously, after a round of some mental acrobatics, in late October 2020 voices almost completely stopped and delusions weakened significantly for at least a week, hence this text. I still fail to concentrate and pay attention for more than half an hour. I am poor, uneducated, and my country prepares to abolish mental institutions completely. What can I do to maintain clarity?
I must re-iterate, I have no money to pay a doctor. Otherwise I would be pouring my soul to them and not into the Web. More importantly, my government absolutely seriously intends to close all mental institutions in near future. One of the two most developed clinics in the country is months since closed. Therefore I do not want to rely on a person who can just abandon me at any time. I am sane-enough to read a book, if you could recommend one that is intended for broad audience and not narrow specialists.
Ukraine government decided that the crazies are the burden of their family and not the government. Frankly, it was always the case and even in the best of days the doctors were basically mafia, but now it’s official policy.
I have an ill mother that feeds me. As a grown man you can imagine how much guilt I feel relying on her. Pragmatically, I will live longer than her anyway, so I have to figure out a solution myself somehow.
I got urges over the years to cut my hair off very short. Gave into it several times. But now I have husband and got to control myself
I had imaginary friends since I was 13 till up to 22 years old. They were mostly pictures of famous people I pretended I was in love with and I treated them like boyfriends or therapists etc.
When I got better in 2007 I left that behind but became religious and spoke to pictures of Jesus and Mary and St Therese.
Relapsed in 2012 but by then was married so never had any more imaginary friends
My biological mother is a hero then, doing a specialist job with “sz” and falling into the top 15%.
Is there a precedent to collective “sz”? My mother actually still argues to me, that we are not actually insane, because 1) she has very physical symptoms; 2) four people went insane in the span of one or two months together.
Yes, I did try to work. I worked in office for a company and studied in university for a year after voices appeared. But I degraded. If I showed more willpower, I would have still been working probably. Even after my career was ruined, as I mentioned, I kept trying to produce useful software by myself. That failed.
I’m unemployed, had a problem with motivation to get work. My mother constantly encouraged me to get one but I was ill with sza already by that time so didn’t have interest in it
In 2012 I got my first proper job but it was Saturdays only and since I had relapsed by then, I couldn’t hold it. I skipped days and had a breakdown one day in shop and had to go home early.
A few months later I married and one of the reasons was to find financial support so I didn’t have to work
Now I’m supported by my husband still, and never worked again
I wish I had my own money and was more independent, but i never had motivation properly to find job. I struggle even to keep up with my painting so how could I earn from it? Avolition sucks big time!
You could always try to work, don’t give up easily. For me I quit over 10 jobs during the 9 years I was diagnosed with sz. The longest I lasted was 1 month, video games tester in VR Oculus.
Could you share your experience please? Employment meetings are annoying when one is sane, nevermind delusional. I dread to have to explain a six year long gap in my resume.
I have avolition and anhedonia, I get bored of work very fast, no motivation. I quit most of my jobs by myself, maybe from stress too. I never had a big gap without work until now. What helped is that I told them that I quit work to return to university. What also helped find my latest job is using a job search app called Indeed. I had no problems in interviews and IQ/psychological tests.