Hypomania vs. "episodes"

A therapist and other people have said that I dont seem to have schizophrenia. But I do go through mixed episodes a lot it seems. It got worse on prozac. I cant handle anti-depressants and Ik thats common in people with bipolar disorder. I have been diagnosed with bipolar1 before. when I was seventeen the doctor kept saying she thought it was not schizoprhenia but bipolar. no one could agree so they called it schizoaffective or bipolar 1 with features. But I am rapid cycling…like for the past week Ive been all over the place…insomnia, random delusional thoughts/mildly delusional thinking/ crying spells, deeply empathetic or emotional…Im also super sensitive to everything. I dont like violence, i dont like seeing people hurt–I sometimes feel like I have a special purpose or need to help others.

This months has been hard for me…a lot of death seems in this month…sometimes I do get paranoid too. I have Grandeur type thinking–I apply too much towards myself–magical thinking I need to stop with the magical thinking its making me delusional. Its a downward spiral. I can see the archetypes and all and how it applies to the patterns i make up in the subconscious or when my brain is working on its own and I dont see it or perceive what the patterns are going to turn out to be… I slept last night for maybe 5 or 6 hours its 5am and Im already drinking coffee.

I feel like Im fighting something with this Bipolar though…I feel like Im fighting the will not to do anything or fighting the feeling of loss/emptiness. I crave emotions connection and purpose. its really hard being isolated its not who I am or how I want to live…


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