Schizophrenia.com

Hunted and Alone

Maybe I should stop watching video’s on youtube about people mentally ill being shot by cops. Maybe I shouldn’t have this illness … I hate having an illness that I have to keep a secret. I hate when people ask me what I do for a living - I drive a taxi (uber) part time and receive SSDI here in the States. How do you deal with being different ?

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Hi! I pretend like I’m living a double life (because I technically am). In public, I am person X, composed, introverted, college graduate. In private, I am always near a state of panic on the inside. I found that pretending to be person X gives me some distance from my chronic panic.

I have omitted the truth about my sz for about a decade now, to everybody new I meet who is not directly in the mental health system. It is painful. It is lonely. It is, to me, necessary. I am not in the mood for discrimination. I tell myself that between being lonely on the inside and being overtly discriminated against because of a biological illness–I’ll take the internal loneliness.

I know what you mean about the police, in my town they faced a ton of criticism for chronic shootings of sz who had boarded themselves up alone in their homes out of fear. I, too, live in fear of police responders shooting me to death, should I ever become floridly psychotic again. I live in a high crime, low income neighborhood, so the chances of this happening are actually fairly high relative to the city next to mine.

I hope you are dealing okay. congrats on your part-time job, by the way!

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I just isolate myself.

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I try to live as normal as possible. I don’t remind myself I have mental illness. I go through my days as self sufficient as I can. I try to stay away from forums, as they are a constant reminder that there’s something wrong with me. I take my meds like its life or death and I see my therapist. Easy as that. I’m schizzoaffective with GAD. It’s hard writing this down on forums. That’s what my therapist is for. But if I could help people and get things off my chest, then it helps me. But I do better when I’m not on forums lol.

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My current therapist doesnt want me on Mental illness Forums, she feels as they are a Negative Influence on my Well Being.

She feels as if they feed my obsessions also.

I tend to disagree with her, this site can be quite therapeutic - in moderation.

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That was my first post since March 20 of last year. A years break and I have seen so much progress. But I want to be here to help.

If you feel the forums are helping then do what you feel is best. Everyone is different. But you should value the opinion of your therapist, even if you disagree with her.

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A lot of mental health peer support forums are very toxic. They are run and/or moderated by people with un-managed issues and/or agendas. People are not allowed to speak honestly about how they feel or what they think, rigid ideologies are enforced, mob mentality forms, people are pressured into doubting themselves instead of exploring what is best for them with a professional, etc. Bullying can be rampant, trolling can be rampant, etc.

This place has a much smaller, close-knit atmosphere, easier to monitor and moderate, leadership seems level-headed, censorship is tactful but doesn’t push any ideologies. I would say this place is an exception among the norm.

But when thinking about a lot of other places, yeah I could understand why a therapist might be concerned.

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Yeah pretty good responses and thanks - I suppose only the strong shall survive in life - I often think that many 'so called regular" folks would never be able to handle life with the extra crap we have to deal with in it. Even though I vent at times about my illness I do have a decent time in life for the most part. Attitude is so important and yes keeping this horrid illness a secret is really a must for me too. People just will not understand - I’ve even had therapists not understand – This illness is the least understood one. Oh well- I can go on about how horrid of a lot we’re all in but really it’s attitude and results I want …

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I’m glad i’m not the only one. One of my biggest fears is being in a “trip” and getting shot by a cop. An incident I had this trip was a guy pulled to close to me and I got out screaming in his window. I was legit screaming at the top of my lungs. I’m surprised the cops didn’t pull me over after receiving calls.

The way I deal is surrender to Jesus Christ. Lay all my needs, wants and fears at his feet.

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I’m the stealth human. I go where I want and I do what I want because no one notices me. 4 years of making myself invisible in high school is really paying off now.

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Returned back to hometown after taking apartment in just wrong place (sent military running justifiably too). Got thrown out of three business networking events same day. I’m just quiet 5’2" way too fat lady who was dressed right, acting friendly and even served on board of one of these groups. Had previously been told are will blackball, anyone male who acts like this will screw you over later.

Other social situations in my hometown were just making slaves or worse, taking unwilling mistresses who make a TON of money and still cannot get away or restraining orders. Court here is busted by long-term sex abuse tolerated by the cops and pretty much useless except, married/divorced/bankrupt.

I had fled being run out of my own home in my suburb due to police who would ruin victims of the trespassers (neighbors saw it all too), multiple people got ruined and scared off by cops within a few days when stuff was stolen from locked house or came home from vacation to find someone crapped your toilet then locked it back up. At same time, my work went terrible with coworker harmed and cops called it something else, boss was sniveling weird one and coworker seemed to break everything he touched. Then sexually harassed so badly at the college, found out the other female employees were sometimes harmed at their own homes to make them mess up students…This got me to move, then had to come back to the -hithole.

I won’t even try to work around these folks any longer as the churches made nuts who would harm their own husband who chose psych care instead of church. With so many of the hate mongers, this place began to really screw up business and strangers…These would even mess up their employer/coworkers/customers and even swarm unprepared workers in life/death situations who made very little $$$ any longer.

I’ve been working remote. Picked one bad employer last year who does mental attacks and would really go after me bad (killing pets is their favorite) but I live a few hours away. Had to listen to two cases of crazy at one for a year now while legally fighting this and found out employer has the perfect scam…Perfect little volunteer job loophole or under 4 employees, and you can mistreat anyone you want with only easy answer being a restraining order.

I don’t go out much here. My high school/college/former coworker friends all still treat me pretty good except for the people from the messed up churches…Hate seeing a man do a 180 and slammed publicly about something private but you get the 15-year-old type of mentality about some things…

I am really running out of positive energy…The parents push the buttons until I have NOTHING left as I tried and they screwed me over being OCD stupid. Also being harassed by family about not working here at all after multiple people made threats toward me about the time I spent ‘temping’ here and I do not put it on my resume as I just quit some trouble jobs without notice. I do not like walking around here in more expensive area as the stupid kids/nutty adults are louder. I used to live 2 miles over in poor section of the suburb and it really was quieter with people closer to the edge, instead of nice area with the predators and their codependent children?.

I got RV which mechanic was screwed over a couple times as a relative passive-aggressively took it behind my back to have it looked at and worse stuff busted on it each time. I will be leaving soon to take it on a few short runs, then tour smaller towns as I work online remotely (social media, layouts, blogging) at libraries to see what I find. Sadly, some of these small town situations are worse than city and get away with ruining women who moved there alone to take an advertised job, get her called crazy and put her with drug dealer; cops just locked her up in mental hospital to shut her up. She wasn’t only person ruined by same job…Know lots of other interesting tid-bits but no good leads on good place to live. Still have enough money for downpayment on small house in country town…But as most of these little town runs their own hazing like joining up with the hair-brain stuff at the fraternities, moving in and even accepting a local job will not secure you anything okay or even normal.

Got one free writing job right now after wrong employer had me unemployed for a year so far. Still listening to their way b—ch in auditory noise, supposed to wake up to theirs and go follow directions during the day. Still trying to get a $$$ paying job so I will have excess money to travel in Rv. There are so many good deals for parking at low cost but if you run off a couple of times or pre-pay and it turns out to be a trap, one can easily run it onto the credit card and never get it paid off.

Guess I will just bluntly state, I looked at 6+ other places to live and whatever was running there was too bad to deal with alone & female. Some was WHORE maker like I described, other was whore swinging legitimately married female in wrong small town and some of the situations have a psycho that harmed previous resident & tried to use her for whatever. I never heard this kind of stuff from auditory hallucinatons before so it has been helpful as I was able to confirm the stories about the towns that were delivered by the voices matched stories I had been told by locals in every case but one. Sometimes, the abuser thing running was just too bad to get involved with and I totally lost a little money just to back away from that as I don’t want any of whatever previous resident had happen to her.

Can park RV behind churches if you call ahead for ‘reservation’ almost. Walmart in many cities takes people. Small town parks will sometimes take campers. Some of the town parks with fair ground do have showers, bathrooms and hookups. Some of the little fishing lakes are cheap…If disabled on social security, you do qualify for discount card for state parks but some do not give much of a discount. The national forests & other government land offer free camping but no services, so haul own water even.