Well this sucks. I was originally going to make a post about how I was grateful for this forum. I really am. And also how I think a lot of the discussion topics posted on here are really interesting, and I’m glad the conversation is always lively.
And then an episode of SCRUBS set me off. Scrubs. This. Is. Getting. Ridiculous. And you know what? It’s not even the psychosis being set off, it’s the flipping AFTERMATH of it. It’s the memories.
I wish there was a way to make memories go away. If I could just erase half of my memories from high school, I would. I want all of it to disappear. Because it haunts me relentlessly. Every day I’m reminded of stupid things that shouldn’t bother me as much as they do because I know they were the product of psychosis. Every day, reminded by the stupidest things. I hear the wrong song lyric. See the wrong news article. See the wrong thing on a tv show.
Sometimes I don’t do anything at all and the memories hit me. And I just don’t want to think about it anymore. I’m tired of thinking about it. I feel trapped. It’s keeping me from finding a relationship, and it’s driving me nuts because I can’t even find a way to bring it up in therapy. The whole situation pisses me off. Why can’t I leave the past in the past?! I’m so much better now!
My psychosis is finally under control, regular intense exercise is helping maintain my anxiety, so what do I do to get rid of the memories?? That’s my question. How do you all forget the crazy??
No mind-altering substances, I got enough problems as it is.
You are not alone. Many drink themselves stupid trying to kill the brain cells with the memories. Doesn’t work though. I’ve even thought of ECT with the hopes it would kill a few memories of my own. Not sure of the answer other then bring them out in the open more. Talk about them with your tdoc making them less of an issue.
I need to work up the nerve and just say it. If it doesn’t come up in conversation I need to bring it up. I always chicken out. Next meeting though. That will be my goal. I want to knock this out.
There are things in my life that I can only look at and cringe. I am outraged by things that are going on in my life now. I tell myself not to hate, but sometimes it’s hard not to.
To distract is to forget.
Don’t try to not think of those things you want to forget, think ofsomething else.
We’ve all done some cringe worthy stuff… I’ve been working on facing some of it and making amends.
Some of the things that happened in public… around strangers who I will never see again… I forgive myself and let go.
But some of the things I’ve done to my family… that’s what I’m trying to help us all heal from. When something deep resurfaces… I write a letter of apology.
It’s just my odd way of trying to let it go…
I hope you feel better soon.
It’s not so much cringe-worthy things I did (though I have regrets about that too, trust me!) it’s more about disturbing/really frightening things I experienced when I was at my worst. I’m always terrified it’s going to get that bad again. Every night I got to bed afraid history is going to repeat itself and I wish I could let that go, you know?
obsessional thinking passes…
takes far too long but one day you’ll let go
It’s been like 3 years now. I don’t really want to sit with this for decades. -.-
I guess it is a lot better now than it was the first year after though…I’m improving just…very slowly.
I think the frightening memories are some of the most difficult ones to get rid of Anna. A great man I got to know some who had sz went through some really frightening moments with juvenile delinquency, his illness and religion. He finally pulled himself out of negative posturing and became a vocal advocate for the mentally ill in our province (I live in Canada). He’s been dead for several years now, but he was a great man. There are lots of things you can do to not focus so much on the past, most notably giving back to others.
That’s the goal now. I’m putting all my energy into becoming a scientist so I can help people on a widespread scale.
Hehehe…I love that description!
“Cringe worthy stuff”
That goes into my “new vocabulary” book.
I wrote this in my special journal one evening " I remember myself and it hurts." I just heard this character in this movie on tv say that he wife who had passed was a “gentle soul.” Perhaps, the “problem” is that we are all “gentle souls.” I would like to be thought of and remembered that way. I am sure that you possess the same sentiment. I honestly don’t know what to tell you what to do when it does hurt. All I can tell you is to follow your intuition and it will guide to comforting those hurts.
Try to get an idea of how you want your life/mind to be. Stick with it and you’ll make better memories. You’ll always have access to old memories but you can bring balance to your life.
You’re doing an awesome job moving forward you will only get better. 5 years from now you’ll look back and know you’ve conquered it.
What kind of scientist do you want to be?
A neuroscientist. I’m currently majoring in neuroscience and minoring in psychology. There’s so many things I want to research in the future, and schizophrenia and other psychotic disorders are at the top of the list.
In the lab I’m currently working in we’re doing autism research, it’s all really interesting. I love science.