So I am scared. Idk if its my worry, which talks, but I am at the bottom since 20 years. I didn’t move my brain for years… and maybe this affected me more than I think…
I just can tell you, that I feel my brain in my head from too much rumination… My fears freezed my soul and emotions decades ago… I see it as firstly calm my fears and then, recover on the thinking… Cause yes, I became dumb too, really…
I felt something for some half of hour, something better than usual, but then I got up in my routine of the day, and now in the evenings its symptomatic again…
So I repeat that I have 20 years of isolation behind me. But is it my worry that talks that it will take me decades to recover? Imagine just this - that I was like a deaf and blind person for all the information around me for decades… I don’t believe anymore that meds will cure this dumbness, no… They are made for other things… So is my worry talking that itll take me years? I don’t want my social fears, plus I would like some emotions…
I just don’t know how much it can take…
Is this catastrophic thinking a symptom too in fact?
Maybe its hard to heal on the thinking, am I right? 
…
i think its best not to dwell on this, it will take as long as it takes
i think you just got to try your best and that is what recovery is all about,
i try and look past this illness beyond the realms of sz or whatever but the reality is i still need meds,
you just got to try and do your best and try and keep that hope alive, i never really lost hope,
Ok, thanks for the message daydreamer, but if I don’t recover a bit more, I risk to die alone, very alone… with almost no friends and not a family. My mom is very sick too and she wont live long. if she dies, ill have no one to whom to talk all day long… I’ll forget how to talk, I risk even this, cause I have problems talking even now…
Oh Anna you’re only 36 and I don’t think you’ll forget how to talk you’re quadlingual.
i heard a joke the other day, for a linguist, would you like to hear it?
yeap 
151515 but I really have problems talking. I even have the impression to suffocate when I talk, frings…
what do you call someone who can speak 3 languages? trilingual
what do you call someone who can speak 2 languages? bilingual
what do you call someone who can speak 1 language? American.
Edit: I’m not trying to be mean to Americans, I got the joke from an American. I can only speak 1 language too…
Ok, funny yeap
But I have not much time left if I want a family of my own, no… plus, I am fed up of my socialization. and till I am like this, I risk to be really hurted by the others, even if its not their will, so I refuse going out with people… I just make my foodstore but this isn’t much an activity…
and don’t judge me please… I am impatient to recover, cause I am like this, since I remember myself. and its tiring to fight without results. I want to recover, yeap…
I think you should make goals towards meeting other people. This way, when your mom passes, you’ll have someone to talk to. Have at least one other person in your life to start. You can begin by saying high to people. Talk about the weather or something also not controversial. Then over time get to know someone. I know you can do this because you can converse on this site. Just give it a try. What country are you in?
well, I hate myself now, that I want all the good things in the world soon now like this, but I was just wondering if someone had this catastrophic thinking and it got better with time? Maybe with few activity it’ll be harder? But I cant change my activity now anymore…really. call me lazy, call me whatever if you want, but my fears are disabling on all points.
It got better with time for me. When I hit 40 I was no longer ‘young’ and was ‘middle aged’ and ‘old age’ 60 in my view, wasn’t far away… I realized I wouldn’t fulfil my ambitions that I had, and well, it took pressure off me. I no longer had to achieve all these dreams, coz i knew they wouldn’t happen, and it was good. I could try to be satisfied instead with the little I had. I know that probably sounds very sad, but for me, it’s good 
I haven’t “arrived” so I have no advice. Hopefully others respond and give you peace of mind.
I am in east Europe, pianogal. In fact, I have some ill friends and they don’t care, that they can look ill to others… Me, I am the opposite, I am very aware, that I am not normal, and I really don’t want to show my weaknesses to the others… I have bunch of somatic symptoms in fact and I risk to feel badly around the others, to tell them that I am crazy and ive did it in the past…I cant hide my symptoms. My paranoia turns around the madness a lot. But I am too aware that I am not normal, so I don’t want new people…
Sorry pianogal, I know we all suffer here. But I am ill since kid and its been too much… frings, I cant accept some things. living alone as a dog is just not human, it can make us worse you and me… I gave enough loneliness in the past, I cant take more…
Plus, I am more scared about my thinking and my non existent positive emotions. I know we are not lonely if we are better with ourselves. but me, I am not… I am anhedonic and dumb.
pff, it turns to my complaining… I wanted just to ask if its hard to recover on thinking despite the fact that I lived with dumbness and numbness for 20 years? Maybe its first the calm in the thoughts and then, the thoughts? I want to have this, yeap…
I’m sorry you’re struggling so much. Try to think about what will help you best meet and make meaningful relationships with other people. Is it pain relief? Is it relief from negative symptoms? Test what will best help you have people in your life so it’s not such a burden to carry life alone anymore.
You’re very smart Anna, I don’t understand why you say some things…
Its easier here frings… I was skipping 70 % of the info around me for years, frings… It was just like blank… So I didn’t have the thoughts that the most of the people had… I want to recover on my thinking. but thanks,that you say I am smart. This illness touches the smart asses I guess 
… Even my mom says, that I have just some dumb thinking sometimes. maybe its paranoid just, idk… but its clear, that my thinking is not normal, I am sure of it… and I consider, that thoughts and emotions are linked, no?