How Insane Can I Get?

If I never use an intoxicant again how g-d insane can I get? Dementia doesn’t run in my family until the very end and not always then. People don’t understand when I say I’ve died a thousand ways. They think I’m a bull- shtter. Writing this I’ve uncovered a fear I have of going into oblivion. I’ve heard of catatonia but I’m unsure of what it is or how it happens. I’ve seen people in the hospital who weren’t there, but I have the gift of reaching almost anyone. How much has learning to read again helped? Do I need to do that? I know my lack of self concern is a product of the illness, but I’m forced to care when I think of institutionalization. I want the ability to commit suicide. I almost totally lack a sense of Self. I’m terrified, I’m the biggest space cadet in the world. I am an illusion or is that crazy? It’s too Zen, maybe that sht is not sane. I guess I need security.

Do I exaggerate? Possibly. How can I know what the truth is, it’s my disorder. Identifying anxiety about losing my mind even more helped. That would make it happen! I know I’ve been through a lot and other people are survivors too. Maybe it’s not how you feel but how you function. I taught myself to doubt and it helped. I taught myself to read after failing out of school and improving my concentration did wonders. It is truly an intellectual feat to be insane and know you are. I know a place people gather for a twelve step meeting where a lot of broken people go. I need to visit them.

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You wanna take a chill pill and calm down mate.

Your over analysing and coming up with utter cobblers.

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I recovered. There’s temporary insanity even when you’re mentally ill. I’m alone all day everyday and it has been hard. I can’t believe it, I’m actually adjusting to even that!

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I re-read that, and thought i was harsh lol. Soz.

I get you. Im alone for days at a time as well. I went a month last year without seeing a soul.
I have my wobbles too, its not easy being alone. But im sure you will cope with it, like i do.

@ninjastar @Moonbeam @ZombieMombie @rogueone Can you list the crisis lines?

You don’t need to end things. You’ll eventually get better. Please don’t do anything rash, and talk to a crisis line to get through it

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If you are feeling suicidal or having a mental health crisis, please tell someone — a friend or family member, a teacher, a doctor or therapist or call 911 (if you’re in the U.S.) or the Emergency Medical Services phone number in your country.

You can also call a crisis intervention hotline—these are available in the U.S. and in many other countries. You do not need to be actively suicidal to benefit from a crisis hotline.

International crisis hotlines:

Crisis hotlines in the U.S.:

https://afsp.org/find-support/

More resources:

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I use the local crises center number here where I live, but thanks. I’m not suicidal I was just saying I wouldn’t want the right to die taken from me.

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