Anyone care to chat?
It’s grey! It’s drizzly! I just left the dentist! How’s yours?
More or less the name. No drizzle, but the air has that scent of coming rain. Reminds of thunderstorms and a bunch of other stuff.
Otherwise it’s going well. Just chilling trying to pass the time.
It is supposed to rain here tomorrow. Will be getting my car fixed this week.
Went to work this morning with rain and wind. On the way, the emergency alert system warned of a massive thunderstorm on the way. I got to work and still raining and windy. Got a message about two hours into my day about it snowing in my town. I ended up leaving work and heading home an hour later. It’s been snowing all day so far. Built a fire in the wood stove and settled in for a relaxing afternoon!
Woke up to find my cat hacked up her breakfast all over my car. I was running late so drove to school with throwup flying in the wind. My friend couldn’t stop laughing. At least 2 hours of rain and that stuff was still in there…
Things are looking up here. The overnight rain ended late morning and I opened my windows. After lunch I went outside + sat on a bench to chew my Nico (gum). I like to think it’s an after-meal cigarette. The cool air in my pores re-spirited me. Then a guy I sat by on the bus stopped and spoke to me. That happens so seldom, I kind of jumped a little on the bench. Now I have to clean up. The maid comes tomorrow to vacuum + such.
My monday was yesterday. Its lunch time tuesday here. Yesterday i just worked and watched Lethal Weapon monday night
Terrible. It didn’t start out all that bad. I got to sleep in because a class of mine was cancelled and it was so nice out. Unfortunately I’ve been depressed all semester and everything seemed hollow, like it was supposed to make me happy but wasn’t. Then I started thinking about my first intense psychotic episode but was thinking not about the scary awful parts of it but the exciting ones. I felt like I was alive. There was this insane plot I was living in that was constantly reaching a climax and then reaching even higher for another one after. And now all I could think about was how I felt asleep, how life felt so dull. The weather also reminded me of my childhood which made me nostalgic and sad.
Then I went to pick up my dinner and realized I had lost my id. I have no idea where it is, so I couldn’t swipe for my food. I had already spent money on breakfast and couldn’t really afford to pay 8 bucks for another meal so I bought a cheap bagel instead. So my meals today consisted of a pumpkin bread and bagel, and I just had a cup noodle. Anyways when I realized I couldn’t find my id I got IMMENSELY pissed off, way more than I should have. (Ever since my first bad episode I have had problems with extreme rage at very small or seemingly random things) Then I dropped my wallet and all my cards fell under a drink machine and I was unbelievablely angry. It took every ounce of restraint not to start kicking and throwing things. I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to hurt the people around me. At one point I had to leave and sit down and try to detach myself from my surroundings as much as possible, just completely space out.
I got back to my apartment still in a lot of pain from holding in all this rage but I’ve done a bunch of things for self-care and managed to avoid harming myself so I feel somewhat better now. Unfortunately that whole ordeal ate up all my study time and I just can’t focus on anything anymore at all and I have an exam in 2 days. Screw this week
Well I accidentally neglected to put a couple of blood pressure meds in my pill divider yesterday and didn’t take them last night. When I discovered the error it was too late to make up the dose but I changed my meal plan to lower the salt content and I am surviving the day. I didn’t feel too good during the morning but I talked to some of my friends throughout the day and watched the sunset during the evening which I like to do in the winter. It was a warm day and i did some walking outside until my ankle pain made me quit. I woke up early because of the med problem but slept some during the morning. I hope to improve that tonight when I take the dose the way I’m supposed to. I also listened to some good music for a while and followed news stories about schizophrenia, Ukraine (I doubt anything big will happen there but I follow it anyway), the South China Sea, and the weather. I also watched Jeopardy and was embarrassed by how badly easy answers failed to come to mind. I don’t think I could ever compete on that show but it helps keep my mind busy. I also cleaned up my dishes, and began to prepare for things coming up later this week, and month. It looks like a boring day to you and it used to really bother me having nothing functional to do. But I’ve strangely gotten used to it. My voices have been very quiet lately but as they often do when I miss any of my meds they got a little worse today. I am just surviving these days and taking in the simple pleasures of life rather than keeping up with the Joneses.
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