I have been very very psychotic several times in my life and come back to reality. I still worry about it though. How far out have you been?
If been off my rocker a few times, its only with hindsight ive realised how ill i was. My serious episodes back then years ago were not treated tho - it was before i was diagnosed, and often got locked up by the police instead.
Trouble was - i was usually drunk most of the time, so they blamed the alcoholism instead of my mental heath.
I’ve been having auditory hallucinations before, but not too often. I have gotten pretty delusional at times in the past. My AA sponsor once talked about “Not being on the beam, and not knowing you’re not on the beam, because you’re not on the beam”. The way I was seeing things back then was that I was on the beam, and everyone was trying to push me off.
I’ve been as far out as Jupiter, but we had to turn around and come back. Google Maps said there were no places to get fuel ahead and we didn’t want to be stranded.
I think the most far out is when I was lying in my local park for hours on the ground, waiting for my imminent death in hell. Which was apparently going to start with me exploding from my stomach outwards. I was lying there on the grass in my underwear. When it got to about 6am,the morning walkers would look at me and I told them to keep a distance because I’m about to explode. I guess that made someone call an ambulance as the ambulance arrived.
Very far… seen a different Universe as well, was not afraid… the fear comes after the experience, which is strange.
Lying on the floor mumbling and groaning and talking to the two spirits in my head at 2am in the morning, hearing voices mumbling and searching for the source wandering over the house in the middle of the night scaring my niece (I only found out in the morning when my sister told me)
One night, I accused my brother of serving me toilet water and putting pills in my food.
It just came out of the blue, I was doing just fine and then I got the intense feeling he was doing these things and got really upset.
i used to believe I didn’t have an actual body but was a laser on a dvd reader in a computer put there by Jesus to capture the devil and return him to fire lake…it was terrifying.
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Somehow it was comforting in a way, because my sense of reality was completely gone… not talking about psychosis but altered state of reality. It was also beautiful in a way, maybe that was the positive side of it. Felt less in the mind and more in my body… sometimes these states can be beautiful, but the comedown is hard. Maybe it is like a trip… I do know that I didn’t feel any pain whatsoever, and that the body is very powerful, more so than the mind.
The mind can be very controlling and fearful, yet the body doesn’t fear. it simply exists, and there is no ego in the body, so it isn’t afraid of anything as it knows it is part of everything.
For the mind it can be frightening, but I also experienced more beautiful states of deeper beauties that are unavailable to the mind… was like a child state of being: unafraid of anything. A very young child isn’t afraid of anything because it hasn’t developed a mind or ego, so it is unaware of any danger. I accessed that state of mind for a while and it was both frightening and beautiful.
The andromeda galaxy is already colliding with the Milky Way, and I think I have been visited by higher order beings from that galaxy, seems to me they prepare us for public announcement. Was a weird experience.
It’s the days I can’t remember I worry about most.
walking across town at night believing i was walking through a haunting and being bit on the neck. thinking that my cigarettes were being put out and that people were making the lights flicker with their minds. hearing the tv talk about me. still does that now and then. looking for a portal in the basement. believing the water heater moved due to time overlap. we would be overlapped with certain decades and eras. thinking i was a former army nurse in training who blacked out and forgot.
theres more as well.
I was so depressed some months ago i went down to skid row and bought heroin from a junkie, not a nice experience. Im a rookie in that respect, they could have beaten me up, stolen my money and put something nasty in the heroin.
Today i cant understand i was so far gone.
Being escorted by police to the psych ward, voices loud and many. Trying to explain to a circle of professionals that i was fine i just had a chip in my arm and these loud voices but i just wanted to get a train home and asked them why they all acting?
Then refusing my quetiapine on ward and thinking my head was being experimented on
Not being able to recognise words in a book unable to read
Terrified police in the attic
When I was first hospitalised, I thought the hospital ward was a building on the moon or another planet and I’d been transported there.
I’ve been so far out that it was just groovy man, it was outta sight.
years out there. for about 20 years of my 26 years of sz i took half the dosage of my AP. lots of voices. thought people could hear my thoughts. easily irritable. felt into depression often. thought words in music were signals to do something. used to talk back to the voices. total confusion. right dosage of meds made life so so much better.