This is long winded like the majority of my posts so if you’re sick of my shiit I’m wondering how you talk to your doctors about your symptoms (specifically hallucinations and delusions)
I find it really hard lately talking to my doctors. One I really like but he’s just my GP and the poor guy is so busy all the time I just don’t want to bother him.
My pdoc and I don’t get along. I haven’t seen him much, and have a hard time trusting him.
Once I was trying to tell him about the things I was seeing. And he (cut me off completely) said that he thought I was experiencing ‘micro hallucinations’ and not true psychosis.
Which is a piss off because every other professional I’ve talked to says I do? And this isn’t new? I had my first (documented) psychotic episode 7 years ago. And now I just feel so dumb bringing those things up. I feel like he doesn’t believe me.
Lately I’ve missed quite a few appointments because I didn’t want to talk to my doctors. I have such a hard time explaining what I’m experiencing.
Especially to my Pdoc. I have so much stuff to discuss all month then once I come in I become mute and can’t talk and start crying. It’s pathetic.
The worst thing is I have to go back to see my Pdoc to get special authority to get my medications paid for. I honestly just want to stop taking my medications and stop going to see my doctors.
Then at least if I get sick I would go to the hospital. In my (multiple) experiences I have gotten much better support/understanding being at my worst at a hospital vs going to psych appointments where it feels like I have to ‘prove’ that I’m sick.
Also, there’s the thing with delusions. How do you bring that up? I have ideas I know are strange. I’ve been able to also identify a lot of my delusional ideas (this forum is helpful for that)
However I haven’t been able to talk about them ever. Because I’m worried it’s stupid or scared it’s true. I’ve had two health care professionals confirm delusions of mine. A literal certified doctor said that I could very well be experiencing visions of my past lives.
Also my Pdoc seems very convinced that if somebody is experiencing psychosis, (even if that person has dealt with it for a long time) they must have zero insight. Which is (bullshit). At least for me.
Of course at my worst I cannot differentiate between what’s real and what isn’t. But for the majority of the time, I know what’s going on is just ‘in my head’ (sorry for saying that I hate that phrase but dunno what else to say)
I’m not dumb. I know the glowing neon animals I see aren’t really there. I know it’s stupid of me to think I am everyone in the world, or I can control the weather, or there is secret cameras filming a documentary about my life 24/7.
I know it’s stupid. But it still scares the (fuck) out of me.