Especially something like a rap song written lyrics. Someone told me I’m saying “too many things” in my songs. It’s almost like less is more. More is less. It’s too jam packed he said. Which can be cool sometimes. He says I need a faster beat. But instead I think I need to simplify the lyrics. How would one go about doing that. Any suggestions @Daze ?
I could help you if you type out the lyrics. I used to be a writing fellow in college. Also, one person saying that doesn’t necessarily make it true.
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This was the verse he commented on
I thought it had some positive uplifting lyrics
But he said he thought it was too wordy for such a slow instrumental
What a day
To be alive
I lay
By the trees that hide
From the sunny skies
Just getting enough nutrients
Not to die
I smile at these people whether they’re living in denial
Or just they think that the truth is not a liar
Either way
I open up my frown and show them a good day
For they
Deserve to get uplifted
How you have the nerve to think I didn’t exist in this ■■■■
We call life
When I spit I roll the dice
Well no matter what you do
You take a chance
Just cuz the devil dances
With plans
Don’t mean you shouldn’t try and be the man
Just cuz people bring you down
Doesn’t mean you won’t have the sounds
They wanna hear
For have no fear
The ends not near
Kids
Will if it did
Happen
I’d be in heaven rapping.
Well maybe in hell locked in a jail eternity in a firey cell. Can’t deny her I’m well. Maybe a little rusty but trust he is in a position to kick the door in and beat em into submission just a metaphor now listen. I use my intuition. When I say I’m infinite and got a lot of bliss. Or maybe that’s just my feelings but god damn I’m healing.
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Well I haven’t heard it sang to the music but reading the lyrics I honestly don’t see the problem. Do you have to sing the lyrics really fast to get the words in?
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Yeah at times I do a bit
But I thought it had a good flavor to it anyways. Like it showed effort, but maybe it should seem more effortless or something?
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Too wordy? I think the “wordier” the better. Only the nu age rappers simplify their works by talking about materialism. “Wordy” is what gets stories told, I believe.
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That’s what I think but maybe it should be kind of more subliminal the messages. Like a cryptic way somehow. Make it seem real catchy and simple but deep down it’s like some sheer brilliant madness or something lol well I think some rappers do that. Like Kendrick Lamar, Eminem, j Cole. The elite rappers these days blend it well. Maybe I just have too much emphasis on the lyrics…?? Ps the guy showed his music and I commented I thought it was sick and he should check it out. He gave me compliments but this was the criticism he gave. He was definitely more experienced than me he was probably 40 years old.
I agree with @DNA. I think you’ve got this one right because it tells a story. I’d have to hear it to be 100% positive, but remember this is your music. It’s coming from you. So if your poetic license is to tell a story with some faster wording in a song then that’s your choice. You’re the composer.
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Check it out if u want it’s at the beginning
Thanks @ZmaGal you’re always such a great support!
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Write a 100 word song using just the word “the”.
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I think sometimes if I can make it more simple it’d be a helpful skill.
I just listened to it. I like it. You should keep it the way it is. The motif in the background adds a lot of color to it. Good job!
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Thanks! I haven’t felt comfortable to share my music on the hip hop forums till lately. You get some harsh critics there. But I felt comfortable feeling this and a few others. Getting some rough criticism at times, others are encouraging but I try to take into account all criticisms. Only way to get better.
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Well not everyone is moved by the same things. That’s what makes different music writers so great - there’s music out there for everyone to enjoy. Don’t let the critics get you down.
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@Jonnybegood, this is great! Well done!
I think the lyrics are really nice. I really love it!
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I think your lyrics are just fine. Critics abound everywhere. But the best thing you’ve got going for yourself is your determination to keep practicing.
Charlie “Bird" Parker didn’t give up the saxophone because he had a cymbal lobbed towards him. He put his blood and soul into jazz and honestly that’s the quality in an artist I find admirable.
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Right now I’m going through an uninspired time. It’s easy to get down on myself during these times. But usually following an uninspired time comes a real new creative innovative time. I’m hoping that’s the case soon 
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