sorry that this is scattered sounding, i dont have the energy to edit it and make it flow and im worried if i dont just type it out now that i wont get to it… i havent been online in a while but i was having a lot of thoughts lately about this.
I got my sza and bpd diagnosis back in 2016, but had already been struggling with depression and anxiety since 2009ish. I just turned 27 last month and I feel like my life has been robbed of me, all in different phases.
It feels like I’ve kind of hit a weird semi plateau earlier this year and i’m just feeling a lot of emptiness. Just a shell of a person. I’m not in my early 20s anymore but i have not grown much at all the last few years in ways that other people my age have. I have just been trying to survive. I haven’t built a life and im not okay with it but i dont know what to do next
Trust me i have accepted all of my mental problems at this point and am giving myself grace, being 13 when the snowball began.I guess at my age now, it kind of hit me that this isn’t something I’ll grow out of. When i was younger, I thought i would know more of the answers by now or would have made some type of notable progress and milestones. I always counted on my future self to be able to take care of things…but if anything i honestly feel like i have regressed in some ways. This is what i’m having trouble with. I have learned a lot in therapy though!
in the last year I have had the energy/will? to get on my laptop only a hand full of times and i still have boxes left to unpack. am i just lazy? why do i procrastinate like that? I compare myself to others and i feel like trash. On the inside i feel like a static screen at full volume, i am thankful though that my positive symptoms have been pretty well controlled lately and aren’t the main issue right now but damn… the negative symptoms feel more horrible in my experience. It’s a paradox but the numbness is truly a painful way to live but i’m doing everything i can regarding therapy and having a part time job. I guess coming to terms with it being disabling has been kind of hard for me. I was wondering if anyone else in a similar situation can help me make peace with it all…