I was 30 years old in 1998 and I lived in America. I was married and we were living in a 2-story house in Atlanta. I was a Quality Manager in one Internet firm and suddenly I started hearing voices in my work place. These voices were ‘You are with the Devil’. 1998 was quite good, but the year 1999 was much worse when I started having more voices such as ‘You drink beer’ while I watched TV and when I used my home computer I had voices on the voice of Bill Clinton ‘you are so low’, ‘put that pen down’ and so on. When I had a trip with my former US spouse in New Mexico in September 1999 I had serious delusions how people used the satellite networks to analyze and communicate with me. I even had drawn pictures in my notebook how this satellite system worked. Today when I am looking at these drawings I understand that they were nonsense and pure delusions and hallucinations. This is how my schizophrenia started in America over 20 years ago.
I had symptoms since I was 15, they gradually got worse and dangerous up until my diagnosis when I was 21 in 2011 when I tried suicide for the 2nd time. At 15 voices were calling me a cheater bcz I was studying and getting good grades. Then they called me the stupidiest person. At 16 I started socially isolating from my friends. I quit school. I searched the internet and though I had sz and autism but I refused that saying its impossible and didnt tell anyone, felt shameful. I tried tons of supplements, I think I had OCD too. I worked for a year and went back to school. At 18 I smoked pot and went in psychosis, punching doors, walls, mirrors, hearing robots talking, becoming catatonic etc
Then at 19 voices told me to kill myself in a car accident at 200kmh in a snowstorm and I thought that would stop them, I ended up in the emergency. I told 3 general Drs about my voices and that things and me didnt feel real, they said its stress. Later I started believing that I am Jesus and seeing Jesus, hearing my priests, etc At 20-21 I tried proving that I am Jesus with suicide, intentional Tylenol overdose, vomited for an hour, ended up in the emergency. There I was seen by a psychiatrist, psychosis NOS.
Here in Canada you cant see a psychiatrist without a general dr referral. It sucks since I could have prevented the 2nd suicide attempt.
I suppose I accepted it in my early 20’s when I wasn’t really symptomatic. Then in my mid 20’s when I was symptomatic I believed I had depression and anxiety which I told my fiance. My original diagnosis was schizoaffective disorder I think it still is last I knew.
Now I notice how I was suffering already in my early teens but back then I didn’t realise it. It’s just now that i’m doing better that I see all the stuff that happened in my life. But for long period I just lived with the symptoms without noticing them. I think it’s only when they put me in psych ward first time and changed my meds that I started noticing it.
I had bad delusions that my wife was cheating on me and I became suicidel and swallowed a bunch of tylenol. That’s when I was diagnosed with schizoaffective.
Well I nearly got diagnosed at 17 when they hospitalised me with psychosis. The pdoc wanted to call it Schizophrenia then, but my court appointed counsellor said no it was drugs, therefore it was Drug Induced psychosis for my first episode.
I took the meds until I was 20 years old.
Then when I was about 22/23, I started getting ill again, and I noticed I had Schizophrenia after two weeks locked in the psych ward when I asked the doctor why they were keeping me there. It was when my consciousness and reality started to return, as I was completely out of it, and had no idea what was going on
That was my 2nd suicide attempt. 1st was an intentional car accident at 200kmh in a snowstorm.
I attempted to commit suicide by cutting my wrist with a razor blade, I still have scars in my wrist from that attempt. A life just did not have any purpose at all.
@mjseu if you don’t mind the question, did you know something was wrong when you started hearing voices?
I just started having voices, everything else was quite normal. In July 1998 when I was in Miami and I went to the restroom I had voices ‘You are with the CIA’ and a couple of months after the CIA recruiters called me when I was in Atlanta and later they sent me some forms containing specific psychological and other such as family related questions. One was what was the earliest memory in you mind. I did not return these forms to McLean to their point person. Maybe everything was wrong in my life.
I noticed I was hearing a voice in my head since about 15 or so. That was when the delusions started too. But it was only when I was nearly 19 that I was diagnosed with sza/sz
I could hear the other drivers tell me to fsck off when they overtook me on the motorway. Logic dictates that I would not hear them over noise of my engine, let alone theirs. Then I ran outa petrol & walking to a garage the trees were talking to me.
Everyone started talking to me when they were not near and I was really delusional but still it took me awhile to realize I had schizophrenia
I was doing alot of drug then the tv started broadcasting me and the radio, I was very high on weed and other drugs so first I thought it was drug induced psychosis 5 years later I had another break and was diagnosed.
I was watching ‘Lost’ in college I think and remembered Hurley from high school and kept thinking and googling about schizophrenia and thinking how lucky I was not to have it and how it sucked and glad it wasn’t me kind of thing. I couldn’t even understand it and comprehend the wikipedia article. It felt and looked like magic like how the ■■■■ could someone hallucinate something and think it’s real when it’s not? Turns out I ended up severely ill in college and dropped out pretty fast because I had insight, couldn’t stay with the courses, was failing, and was stressed. I looked up the pictures of the ‘lsd cat’ artist and it just clicked. For some reason, I thought I had acute stress disorder from a ‘Men in Black’ type negative encounter; NDE from a bad trip; and a possible and probable grey/reptilian/Illuminati encounter for lack of a better word.
I didn’t even remember or know until years later. I just had a hunch it was like mk-ultra or some mind control thing because I always thought I had strong genetics, the circumstances were fishy, my memory was off, my symptoms were atypical, and things just didn’t seem right or click to me. I was always suspicious.
I had a hard time thinking one could get severe insanity from pot but then again I smoked a strong strain 10 years ago, smoked salvia, and stuff.
One therapist said I had brain damage from synthethic marijuana but I have no memory. I doubt it. But I was in a different state of mind. You never know. I wouldn’t touch that stuff in a million years now.
I get dreams where I’m talking to people in past lives in parallel universes and it’s dark and I’m sitting in a chair in an unknown location. It feeds my delusions now.
I’m convinced that I can create wormholes with my head/mind and it’s locked away like John Criton from ‘Farscape’. Maybe technology or aliens are the only ones that can unlock it. Maybe they built a time machine in my head that is causing an infinite causal time loop where I go back in time via consciousness transfer and restart my life over and over again with a shitty unknown form of psychosis and unanswered questions that plague me for eternity. I’m stuck in the year 2011 at the earliest and 2013 at the latest. 2012 is kinda blurry and missing but I just was at home I guess sick or hospitalized but I don’t know much maybe I was inside the simulation or escaped the simulation.
Do we still live in a simulation or did we escape it in 2012? I don’t know? Why do I care so much? Does it even matter?
My symptoms are okay right now except the part I smell like a homeless person, my breath and teeth are bad, and my room reeks
I noticed when I was diagnosed at 16.
But when I look back, now I can see it started before I was diagnosed.
When I was 14 I think.
I believed there was another soul attachd to me. He told me to do bad things. He went away eventually. I don’t want to go into detail about what he said he was and what he told me to do because it makes me feel really bad. But that was probably my worst. 14 is also when I started drinking alcohol and smoking weed and doing other recreational drugs.
I’m doing a lot better compared to when I was 14. I remember my mother reading through my journals where I wrote about the soul and she punished me. I wasn’t brought to be checked if I was psychotic. I was diagnosed during a psych ward stay. I was in there for wanting to kill myself but then they realized there was something wrong with me.
When I attacked somebody on the street… I got arrest and went to jail for two weeks and then hospitalized for two more…
The doctors took me aside and told me I have schizophrenia…
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