Memories from hospital
I remember this one guy in the hospital who wore a T-shirt with the cut off sleeves, I would always meet him going the gym to work out. He literally looked so normal I have no idea why he was in there. He even had time to journal and study ffs. Like wtf was he doing in there, there was nothing wrong with him! By the time he was leaving his arms were huge!
We had psychosis group towards the end, the voices were with me one time I remember but this other time they weren’t, and this particular time I found it very good. They had two psychologists who were very good. One was really into it and I thought she knew exactly how brains work, but I knew nothing could help me because my voices were real but I used some bits of it for times when I was having a panic attack
The nurse with the big hips was very good to me. When the voices were at their worst I never told anyone what they were saying, I would just consistently be pushing the nurses button from the room to alert them that the voices were telling me to kill myself. I remember one morning before it was gonna start again she said to me, you just need to get over the hump of it and you’ll be ok, that’s stuck with me, it felt like she understood what I was going through even though she knew nothing about the voices I was hearing and couldn’t possibly understand, I felt she could see my suffering and understood that.
She would always tell me to check out the classes in tai chi and yoga, but I had no interest. How could these things distract me from the voices or get rid of them, it’s ridiculous. I went one day to humour her. Anthony and Noel were with me the entire time. Anthony would go quieter at times during it to mess with me to let me think it was helping but then he’d come back loud.
The big hips nurse was also the one that was in the nurses office office that time before I went down to special care. I had just come out of the bathroom after reaching my breaking point and I couldn’t talk to so I grunted at her, my eyes were wide and glassy and she knew there was something wrong with me. She sat me down and I mumbled to her that I was feeling very violent, she got me an urgent meeting with the doctor, and I told them o was having feelings that I wanted to kill everybody, so she said, for our safety and others it’s best we put you back down to special care, there was mor to it than that that’s just all I can remember.
I was in group therapy and about 10 of us plus two nurses were sitting in a circle. It was my turn to talk and I forget what I was talking about but some girl says, “Awww” and got up, walked over to me and gave me a big hug." It pissed off the nurses and they ordered her back in her seat. Two minutes later she gets up and walks over to me again and gave me a big hug again!
In one hospital there was a basketball court out back. We would form two teams and have little games with both the men and the women. I remember I was about 27 years old and there was this little blond 17 year old. She was cute and I felt bad for her because she was so young and they really had her drugged up.
We also used to play Horse which was basically for 5 or 6 people where when it’s your turn, you try to make a difficult shot like a lay-up or a shot from the top of the key and then the next person has to make that exact same shot and if they miss they get an H. If they make it then it goes to the next player. The first person who spells “Horse” loses.
Well, my turn was right after that girls turn and she made a bunch of shots I couldn’t make and she eliminated me!
And I got mad and challenged her to play a game with just me and her. I was strutting around trying extra hard and making these shots. I just had to beat her. And I won. But I was thinking of it years later and I thought to myself “How embarrassing for a 27 year old man to feel he had to beat a poor young girl so bad.” It was stupid. She seemed very nice too.
I remember one time when I was in the hospital I stuck my arm up like I was flexing my muscle and I started rotating my fist singing really loud, “We’re in the hospital, we’re in the hospital, we got mad funk and soul cause we’re in the hospital!”
At the time I thought it was hilarious, but I’m fairly certain some patients probably wanted me dead at the time.
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