ok, I am stuck in a vicious circle. I guess in order to feel better I should have activities, go outside more but in fact, I often, very often, cant do that. I mainly occupy myself at home. but it makes me crazier also I guess. i did almost nothing for the last 17 years. ive lived for all these years between 4 walls. and i lived with self destructive thoughts, suicidal thoughts, thoughts that ill never recover. i guess i need to change my thinking now, i try to avoid those kind of thoughts now but it got deep already. i have many symptoms but i am fed up of talking about them…the worse is the pain in my soul, the lack of positive emotions, the lack of joy. my anhedonia is so severe that i dont even know which food i like, which color etc etc for example… i even dont have a desire of sex , hardly to feel love too i guess. or if i sometimes need sex i am just not sure that i really want it cause i feel myself like an animal, not a sane desires anymore…
i am trying the Zyprexa again since 10 months. do you think ill need much more time regardless the past 17 years behind me? i was ill for all this time yes. and even longer, since kid… i had my suicidal thoughts even when i was 11, 12… do you think i am a hopeless case? oh yes, the cognitive symptoms are hard too, i just dont get all the information and i am scared from this…
i know others are suffering too but 17 years between 4 walls its too much…i even dont speak about my symptoms as when i was kid…
at least, i stopped the Seroquel yesterday and now i am calmer. but i feel pain in my soul, yes…i still think that the soul is somewhere behind the chest wow, where is the solar plexus but i could be wrong…