Schizophrenia.com

Higher wisdom

I’ve been listening to my conscience more. I like to think abstract. Weird things are happening to me, like I am going through a “dark night of the soul” maybe it’s the weather, spring time and all this social political stuff happening with new governments. I feel fine right now. My mom was worried about me last night and said I seemed manic. So I decided I wouldn’t stay up late and went to bed around 9pm.

I slept well, feel relaxed now but of course I woke up again. So higher wisdom has been my theme of the week. I’m always trying to evolve–but have not always cared so much about the meaning of life. Taoism is about letting things go and non-attachment. So maybe my issue is I’m too attached. Too attached to life.

If I was normal and I was able to fear death or fear danger then I would have that natural reaction where you can fight/flight. I don’t want to fear/because I can’t handle fear and I don’t like the feeling, I also don’t like anger. So I avoid it—I read one person posted on another place they were learning to express anger. I would rather not feel it at all and I don’t care if that makes me less angry.

It seems that every time I start going through a shift in my experiences everyone else starts to relate no matter what the situation, online or in person. I think Carl Jung may have been onto something about collective unconscious. But too bad he never found out how to cure schizophrenia. And he was a little off/out there too.

I had a dream that the ceilings started caving in. It started my dad was knocking on the door, and I said the roof was leaking and he was annoyed and didn’t believe me. Then I was the only one it happened to. The roof started caving in around me, and I ran outside and then was lifted into the sky with nothing but rain, the dark night, and sadness. Then it started over, this time there were animals outside and they kept trying to get into the house, but no one believed me. Then I came back inside and kept getting back where I started, and my mom asked, “Did you have fun?” because maybe she thought being lifted into the sky by the rain would be fun.

I wish it was a feeling of release. But it wasn’t. It was like the apocalypse. I was standing in the rain during the night-time recently and let it cleanse me, that was release, feeling the rain and love and spiritual acceptance. This was different/this was angry said vengeful rain and desperate needy wild animals.

I may need to move/get into a different env. but I felt the moral was that I dont need to move out that My house is not haunted/it’s me who is haunted. Haunted by trauma and unresolved thoughts.

sometime thoughts run deep, maybe too deep to sleep, but as the thoughts run out of time a new one takes its place. hope it gos in a different place.

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