High Insight

I’m conflicted. I have less symptoms from bipolar than the majority, and less symptoms of schizophrenia by far. I’ve taken self tests often scoring 0 for schizophrenia and mild for some form of mania and anxiety. I’m often awkward. For instance, what causes a person to be able to stare without blinking, I am also suffering from shallow controlled breathing and an inability to isolate each individual action. For instance, multi-tasking is a little hard. I can drive. It takes a lot of effort to pay attention to everything happening at once. ADHD medication helped me a lot but I am no longer prescribed stimulants due to my prior marijuana use. My psychiatrist thought I would abuse them, and I’ve been working on that weed issue…apparently it’s still taboo.

I have no social support. I take my medication as prescribed and as have done so for many years. People have assumed I am on disability but I am not. I made the mistake of telling others I had it.

Sometimes I can’t help talking to people. I struggle with being co-dependent. Also, my dad doesn’t accept the idea that I may need to have someone to support me for life. I cannot live alone. I mean I get so scatter brained. When I lived alone I was compulsive, had tons of friends. Drank too much, smoked too much, and it was just downhill. I did great at school but I had problems. When I lived in the dorms I was treated poorly by my cheerleader roommates.

My dad is constantly pushing for me to become fully independent. How can I afford medication, therapy, insurance, bills, car, etc. with Bipolar Schizophrenia and no one else to support me. Like come on is this a conventional way out for someone whose already been put into this situation due to a “brain imbalance” so I don’t want to be taken care of. I hate the idea of marrying for wealth. I don’t want to live in some residential care facility because I don’t need THAT much help. I really just need: money, a few friends, activities, career, and occasional reminders or advice.

I hate my situation. I’m happy right now, I support my mom too. Which is probably not the best for me personally.

I have no idea what to do. For one, there’s no way to consistently work and come home to an unstable home situation. I mean my mom has kept me awake blaring the TV non-stop she doesn’t sleep and whenever she feels like it, just annoys me too much.

I wanted to go to Naropa in Colorado but THAT wasn’t right for me apparently. All my efforts to leave in the past haven’t been appropriate. I hate this town. I want to leave.

I feel that I have a lot in common with you. Also Schizoaffective but with major depression.

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hi starry night althogh living alone isnt ideal for you just cause it hasnt gone right ion the past doesnt mean it wont be again, you could have measure in place eg phone people for help before you do such and such. you dont need to marry anyone dont give your independance away for anyone learn to live alone first then find someone you “want” but dont “need” you can do it! dobt let bad influences dereail your life either goodluck


@StarryNight I too have schizophrenia and probably stronger bipolar tendencies than you, as I have mixed episodes/states and require 2 different mood stabilizers. For me its very tough to really have 2 different illnesses in one package - schizoaffective disorder. Its positive that you have good insight into your illness. When the right opportunity comes along to start fresh - I think you will take it. Being patient is important and in my opinion you need to continue to take care of your health and choose the right kind of people to surround yourself with


when i have been unhappy i have just left and been better for it, it was not all smooth sailing but it was good to leave a negative situation.
saying that , it is best to find work first, and accomodation in the area you want to go to.
take care

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I’m going to figure this out. Thanks guys. For now I’m going to see if one of my friends will let me stay at his house or we were talking about getting an apartment together. There are also more job opportunities where he lives aside from here, where I’ll have to commute pretty far for a decent job.

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Just a thought, there are non-stimulant ADHD rx’s out there. I’m taking Strattera and its really helped me. You should talk with your pdoc. I used to take Xanax but started abusing that so I can relate there.

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Vyvanse and Adderal worked better though. I have been on anti-psychotics for so long that now I NEED stimulants.

I guess I’m in denial of my schizoaffective disorder. They might as well lock me up. I don’t care anymore. I don’t want to go to a hospital because it ruined my moral system. I used to feel dignified and accepted myself in all my flaws. This illness, if it is what it is, has stolen everything from me. And I can snap my fingers and it all vanishes with a broader mindset and acceptance of reality. I’m not losing my ground or sensibility I’m tired of the people I am around and I’m tired of being compared to the people I’m not. I don’t hallucinate. I stopped twitching after I stopped taking Abilify, and I’m glad. Because nothing else is working. I don’t even feel angry at all. I can’t even fathom anger. I feel flipping fantastic and awesome and normal. I don’t care if my mind is gradually declining as the science assumed of me. I don’t think that I can suffer enough. I dare the world to rip me apart as it has tried to time and time again. They can analyze everything until I’m a cadaver on display for the world to see.

I don’t think anyone needs to listen when I say things at this point. At this point I’d rather everyone on the freaking earth talk over me and tell me they are better because I don’t have a disability and I can’t find work. But no take your pills, pretend your sick while working a dead end job at a gas station wow that’s fair!

Sorry StarryNight. you must work very hard. I am so glad I don’t have to hold down a job.

No reason to feel sorry. I am just frustrated because I am functioning well but I am supposed to have a job by now. I can’t find work and everyone expects me to be the mature one.

You and a lot of others work on this site. It blows me away. Thank goodness for SSDI.

Early or Warning Signs of Psychosis

The following symptoms may indicate that an individual is experiencing psychosis or is in theprodromal phase. Frequently, individuals will display unusual behaviours prior to the onset of the acute psychotic episode. It is useful to educate individuals with psychosis about these symptoms once they’ve recovered from the episode, and to help them identify which symptoms are their personal “warning signs” of relapse.

Strange posturing

Odd or bizarre behaviour

Feeling refreshed after much less sleep than normal

Excessive writing without meaning

Cutting oneself; threats of self-mutilation

Deterioration of personal hygiene

Hyperactivity or inactivity, or alternating between the two

**Staring without blinking - or blinking incessantly**