Hi everybody. I’m new here and thought i’d give this a try. Just a bit of background, I’m currently a college student trying to get his degree. My love is music, though I don’t play any instruments I make little beats sometimes on a drum machine and would consider myself a striving historian. So if anyone needs some new tunes I gotchya. Also I love hearing what other people listen to cause most days I’m out of new things to listen to. Everything but pop country, edm, and today’s mainstream hip hop I enjoy. I also enjoy anime/manga and cartoons, video games, hiking, basketball and skiing…I go to college in a very “outdoorsy” town.
Now to the grittier bits. I went to a very small (300 kids) high school which was very judgmental. I was very quiet to everyone except my close group of friends. My attempts at fitting in always failed though I like to think I could’ve been worse off. I was a solid B student wanting to do something in aeronautics or flight…until i turned 17. A month after my b-day I started feeling strange. Everything took on a darker tone and I felt like crap often. In short I started self harming to substitute emotional with physical pain, I stopped caring about school, I smoked weed, cigs and drank whenever I could get my hands on it, my hygiene went south, my family (parents I’m an only child) and friends told me i should see someone.
So I started seeing a therapist who just gave me an anti-depprasent (started with a z) and tested me and still felt like crap. I switched therapists with no success in the new one. Was diagnosed major depressive. Then a few months after my b-day I said f it and drove my car into a tree on the way home because I saw myself in a white suit telling me to do it from the passenger seat. I survived with only 3rd degree burns on both legs and a fracture and dislocation of the forearm. I say “only” because the officer filled out a death report before someone told him the driver was alive (I turned my car into ruble which could’ve easily killed me lets just put it that way). Also being set on fire sucks stay away from fire children. Whats crazy is I pulled myself out of the car though I was completely blacked out the entire time. Or thats what people say at least so idk whats true about that.
So the rest of my summer was spent recovering. I barely left the house due to physical and emotional reasons. Can’t get skin grafts in direct sunlight for the first 6 months. I disconnected from my friends, and thought they and the whole school set up events in such a way that I was going to get depressed and do something like that. Basically thinking other people wanted me to suffer. I was hospitalized for another attempted suicide with just a knife. Then I went to a therapeutic school for my senior year which was fine. I got accepted into several colleges and went to the one I always wanted to go to since 9th grade because of skiing.
My freshman year of college though was no fun for me at least. I wasn’t connecting to anyone. I started smoking weed everyday. I’d skip class. I started to experiment with acid about once every 2 weeks during fall semester. So in the end I was put on suspension for my second year and felt like complete garbage throughout freshman year and after but I hid it through drug use. I think I used because I wasn’t connecting though a lot of people smoked and drank a good bit, i was just doing it alone.
During the summer of freshmen year I took summer classes to raise my gpa but it failed. During summer school everything started getting even weirder. It might’ve been drug induced but I didn’t use since winter. I started talking to myself a lot or other people. I never really heard voices except on occasions but it was like some outside force was telling me the truths about my life and the world. I started thinking my life is completely pre programmed to be my hell. I deleted anything tying me to the outside world like social networking. I started cigs again. And that lasted through sophomore year because I wasn’t going to school or really doing anything just trying to survive.
Now I’m here in the present and I’m back in school, but I don’t talk to anybody except my roommate if he passes by. Anytime I have a week or so of happiness its like life is feeding me false hope to make the downs more miserable. My thoughts mostly consist of, this is my programmed hell, all events lead up to now which is misery, everybody who meets me finds out everything about me somehow and want to make me miserable, other people are programmed by the system to tell me things which ultimately lead to my downfall, people can read my thoughts etc. I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist last year with schizoaffective disorder and was also hospitalized for my second time. I ask what horrible thing did i do to deserve this life. I’ve been called crazy by even close friends. Other people look away when i walk by even if I have and open happy look which feeds into this conspiracy more. Mostly I’m worried when i turn 21 ill just drink myself away or worse shoot myself. But I keep trying to push on to get my degree and try to get a job and not go homeless because the only reason I’m not on the street is because of parents support. Time is too expensive and this world is run by money and filled with people who simply don’t care about anyone but themselves. I always joke that I’m a psychotic in a psychopathic world but it seems true a lot. And theres the chance this is my determined hell for some reason and I’m made to suffer. I’m currently not on meds, though I have been on a cocktail of different drugs which all either didn’t work or the side effects were terrible. Like latuda with the akathisia that akathisia is hell.
But I’ve been rambling on about stuff and sorry if it’s really long and uninteresting to read, but there are days I could use support from people who might understand more. I’ve been “creeping” (just kidding) on some other peoples posts and everybody here seems like a nice bunch so I might try this out and share my thoughts and things sometimes.
PS If the world goes to hell or the nuclear apocalypse ever happens we should all band together and create our own super nation. Love and Peace to everyone here and if you took the time to read all my whatever then thank you