He's gonna go before me, and I'm not sure I can take it

He just had 2 more blood clots, big ones this time. I doubt he’ll be alive 5 years from now. Or even 2.
All I can do is love him while I’ve got him.

But I don’t want to go the rest of my life without him. I can’t. But I have to.
If I go before him, his final years will be lonely, miserable, and quite possibly cut short.

This is one relationship I can’t abandon before I’m abandoned.

I want to run and hide
Just disappear. Not die, just slip out during the night and catch a train going anywhere.
Or maybe push him away until he stops loving me and realises he can live without me.

I can’t take another loss :cry:

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I think you should support him if you can.

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I will. But some days it’s hard to keep going

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Is he your partner? Or is he just your best friend? I’m confused.

Soulmate. Chosen family.

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You are lucky to have a soulmate at a young age.

I’m sorry you’re going through this @Pikasaur.

I probably shouldn’t say this, but if this is the guy who abuses you then you’re better off without him.

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They can manage that through blood thinners, the prognosis is less dire than you think. Trust me on this one.

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Yes but the kind he needs is expensive without insurance

I’m sorry. Is this guy the abuser?

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I really don’t like that yall keep calling him that. He’s troubled, intense, and our relationship has its ups and downs. But we both owe our life to the other person, and care for one another deeply. I know I mostly talk negatively about him here, but that’s just because that’s the stuff that needs venting.
I’m black & white in thinking and emotions, and sometimes make mountains out of molehills.
My story isn’t always the most accurate version of events.

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Regardless, he’s someone I love and would rather not spend most of my life without
If the clotting disease doesn’t take him, his diabetes or his cancer can and will. Even if cancer was his only ailment, he had maybe 2-5 years left tops.

Love and truth are the only comfort we have

@Pikasaur i’m sorry to hear this. I’m here for you if you need to talk :two_hearts:

It sounds like you might be struggling with BPD. My wife lives with Borderline Personality Disorder. Google it to develop further insight. Just an idea. If so, better insight and DBT therapy can really help you cope with what’s going on in your life.

That’s what my pdoc thinks I have as well.
I’m inclined to believe it too.

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Ok @Pikasaur . Learn as much as you can about BPD. More insight into your own life will really help you day to day in controlling your emotions a little better as time moves on and will also help you understand your thoughts and relationships with family, friends, employers, etc.

If there is a free Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) course available in your area for people living with BPD then for sure sign up. Otherwise get a good BPD book from the library or Amazon. I wish you all the best in your journey to wellness.

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