I’ve had voices in my head for years, for more than half my life now. Years ago it was just noise, rarely directed at me or involving me, except by coincidence. Listening in on conversations being held far away, the speakers unaware that I could even hear them, and uncaring if I did.
In May 2015 during hospitalization suggested by my therapist, one of the voices distinguished itself, gave me its name. “I think the voice has chosen a name? Ig. As in Iggy, as in iguana. Ig likes loud music and loud voices and laughing at me when I look stupid or scared.”
Several months ago I questioned whether I should try to directly interact with him. I’ve always had the feeling that doing so will make things worse somehow, just like talking about it, but those barriers are crumbling. I asked my therapist what it meant for him to feel like a separate entity, a personality, rather than a mere voice. She didn’t understand.
I decided I would try to contact him, again attempting to catalogue and organize all the sources of voices. He refused to participate but I was able to ‘name’ some of the other sources of voices. The experience was frightening because it confirmed to me that his existence isn’t reliant on MY interpretation, and I haven’t repeated it since. I am trying to participate in “normal human existence” and I feel like this sort of inspection is not something the “average normal human” should be doing or can relate to.
Since then there have been several times I’ve felt him, aware and attentive, while something was happening to me. Ordinary things, like grocery shopping, washing dishes, or taking the bus, or once while watching a movie. It’s disconcerting and upsetting because it suddenly feels like someone else is using me as a vessel, a viewport. I can’t force him to stop, but once I notice it’s him, he lingers for a moment and then fades back.
He’s been quiet over the past few weeks, maybe months. For a while I thought he was gone and I missed him. When I try to approach him or ask him why he’s so mellow he laughs at me, like I already know the answer. Something “good” is happening for him and he won’t let me stop it.
Last night I slept for abt 12hrs, from 3am to 4:30pm. In my dreams he told me he’s growing stronger, getting “bigger”. When I woke he was singing to me and he said “finally” as if he’d been waiting for me to wake up, as if he’d been awake for hours without me.
I’m taking my meds. I’m doing everythign I’m supposed to be doing. I’m not doing anything wrong.
I don’t know if anyone else can relate to this. I’m scared. I’m worried that if it continues he will eventually be able to directly control me, physically, rather than just influencing my feelings or my thoughts.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has ever felt like this, and tell me how to make it stop.