Hello, like I said I just discovered this today and don’t really know how this all works, but we’re jumping in ig.
So I guess my question is if I should get help.
I’ve been hallucinating for possibly 7+ years now and around 3 years ago it started getting much worse. I’ve known this entity since I was very little, but have only been hallucinating him for this amount of time. He’s the one my hallucinations and delusions mainly branch from.
My hallucinations are visual, auditory, tactile, and occasionally olfactory or gustatory.
If you want to skip reading this ■■■■■■■■ go to the next bold text.
For my visual ones, I hallucinate the entity at night and I’ll sometimes catch glimpses or traces of him everywhere I go. What I mean by traces is he has these black vine things, it’s kind of difficult to describe because I don’t know too much about them to begin with. Just know they’re associated with him. Along with these are seemingly unrelated visual hallucinations, where everything goes all Alice in Wonderland on me. Frames tilt, shelves shift, walls warp, floors slant, ceilings ■■■■■■■ b r e a t h e, and the like. Basically everything goes to ■■■■. Also my entire field of vision will go gray which makes it difficult to maintain eye contact because you literally don’t know what you’re looking at. Things will also just go darker and darker until it’s entirely black. If I close my eyes, I can see things that I often have a hard time comprehending (partly due to the exotic colors). I include this as possibly a visual hallucination because they can be faces or certain objects like knives.
For my auditory ones, I can hear him. He’ll say things to me, ranging from verbal abuse to comforting remarks? Yeah he talks to me a lot. I also hear a lot of random things: tapping, scratching, screaming, the whole package.
Tactile ones are very hard to endure and very hard to hide. They can be basic touches like hands on my shoulders, I can feel the black vines as well, I even feel licking and breathing (which is quite disturbing). They can also hurt: scratching or claws digging into me, biting, grabbing really hard, choking, plus other sensations of pain that are very hard to explain. I’m very ashamed of this, but they also can be sexual. This ■■■■■■■ sucks because I have a fear of intimacy. I won’t go into depth about what these are like.
As for olfactory or gustatory, I sometimes smell/taste the most random and specific ■■■■, as well as smelling/tasting what I can only describe as death itself.
Wouldn’t you know it, I have all kinds of delusions (hooray).
Let’s see, we have the classic everyone is out to get me delusion, the delusion where you are living in a fake reality, delusions of grandeur (I’m apart of some epic plot), delusions of the entity hurting my loved ones or me hurting them myself (with or without his influence), delusions of being possessed, and so on and so forth.
Hiya, background info done now.
Now this is all fascinating from an objective point of view, but not very fun to experience. I think it’s safe to say that, if you read all of that, my hallucinations and delusions hinder daily life. I accidentally spilled my little secret to my dearest friend, and I am at a loss for what to do. My family doesn’t know and my accelerated school program doesn’t have a lot of room for these constant distractions and they’re just getting worse.
I’m kind of running out of options now and I fear I might be found out by my family and I want a plan before that happens. If I could have things my way, I would never have told anyone and I would not get help for it, but I’m at my wit’s end. I can’t count on my parents to be very supportive (chances are I’ll be kicked out) and also it costs a lot of money just to get evaluated, let alone treated. I don’t like the idea of meds or therapy but obviously there aren’t many options.
Right now it feels like the cons outweigh the pros, so what do you all think? Should I try and get help? You guys are probably more experienced than me, so I’ll probably get some good second opinions and if anything this was probably good to vent and just write down.
I’ll probably delete this later as well.