And even if I knew I wouldn’t tell you.
Eating dinner in the cafeteria earlier this evening with everybody. A girl says loudly, “Why is everybody acting so weird?” I stopped in my tracks ( is it possible to stop in your tracks if you’re sitting down? Now that’s a puzzler) Anyway, being someone with paranoid schizophrenia, my first thought was, " Am I causing everyone to act weird"?
I was thinking to myself furiously, :“What am I doing wrong?” Oh well, some things are not meant to be known.
Slow day today at the races today folks. Drank my soda, relaxed in a chair, smiled at people. Two girls came up and sat next to me and before I knew it I was in a pleasant conversation. Damn, how did I let that happen?
But something else happened today. I was out front getting some space and fresh air and watching the cars go by. And it hit me. Nothing was happening!! My mind finally crawled to a slow even pace. I have never heard voices but I’ve always had racing thoughts. But right then I knew peace of mind and the world was a nice place to live.
I enjoy stuff in life even though I have anhedonia or avolution or whatever that symptom is called that means you can’t experience pleasure. I’m here to testify that I appreciate and enjoy things . I enjoyed comedy clubs. The beach is fun. Volleyball in college was fun.
I wasn’t rolling on the ground with laughter or deliriously happy but I appreciated those things. And today I was looking at the leaves on a tree and looking down the street and I would swear I didn’t have schizophrenia. It was like I was seeing the world for the very first time, like a little kid does. I savored the hell out of the moment.
Anyway, it’s midnight, tomorrows another day. Wish me luck.
